going through ddlc again is...painful. I mean, it always is, for pretty much anyone who goes through it, but something about it is reaching me in a way it didnt before. I think, in my head, I've built up this grand fortress. Ive spent years and years building it, and it has taken all my blood, sweat, and tears. I am not sure if it's something that comes natural to me, but I think, at some point, when a punch hit a brick instead of my chest, I realized that Id prefer to see the person recoil with blood on their knuckles than have to deal with the painful, fluttering instability of the wind being knocked out of my lungs. and so I kept building the wall higher and higher, passing things to others through the gaps or the doors that only I can open, and then locking it shut again when someone tries to peer in. Carefully knocking out certain bricks just to give the other a certain view of who and what's behind them, only to slam it back in so they cant ever be sure if it was really there or just a trick of the mind. And I reveled in the wall. It is a big project, after all, especially for someone as small as me with arms as weak as my own, but bricks are heavy, and walls are sturdy, and they give off such an imposing impression. Even if they see the shake of my arms, they cant deny the strength and craft it took it build it all. I dont know. I think I want someone to break down that wall. Not with the brute force of a hammer or begging at a door, not with the entitled declaration of "I think you should let me in," but the genuine, thoughtful deconstruction. Maybe it starts as helping me repair part of the wall, and maybe it ends with me realizing that part didnt need to be repaired at all. I dont know. I think I want something, but I dont want to say the words.
I think I relate to all the girls in their own ways, but there is something special about Yuri specifically, which I didnt really expect. We're not very similar on the surface at all, but... I... dont know. It's not just the pursuit of intellectualism, that's hardly a factor, but rather the self-awareness as ones own strangeness. Being "intellectual" is just a cover for that, though it is woven into it in a lot of ways. I feel like Im talking nonsense a lot of the time, or like Im talking in circles, and it doesnt mean anything, or Im using fancy words for the sake of it when Id be better off just being blunt. But being blunt isnt true. People think it is. For me. But people think a lot of things about me. And most of them are wrong. Everyone picks their own part of the wall to stare at. Each part looks a bit different. I think I wish someone could look past the wall. Or maybe I wish the person I think did would come back and look again.
