Who Do You Need When You Come Undone?
A choked noise left him, a weak attempt to laugh like it was a bad joke, “No I’m not…..I’m a fucking mess.” he mumbled, turning his head and pressing his face against Roy. To hide, to muffle himself and pretend he wasn’t crying, Ed didn’t know. He didn’t care anymore either, not about that, “I’m exhausted….. school has tests coming up and keeps mentioning nothing but college, I keep trying to pick up as many shifts as I can at work, and get things taken care of and make sure Al is okay but….” but it just was never enough.
“I can’t…..” every day he felt his body wearing out more and more, it was a miricle no one had called the cops on him yet for it. Teachers were worrying and he tried harder to hide things. Sometimes he slipped, and was quick to change it around others and brush off. But it was getting harder. The lies still came easy but people were starting to watch closer. The act had to be held up better and longer. Ed owed a lot to the Rockbells with Pinako standing in where she could but he didn’t want them to get into trouble. More than they already would be for helping hide it.
How much longer until someone figured it out and called someone?
Ed felt his chest heave again with a sob he choked himself on, “I can’t……..I can’t anymore but no one else is going to be there to pick up if I don’t…He….” he squeezed his eyes shut, “……..He won’t come home…….he’s never come home. Not since I was twelve……”
His stomach knotted saying it lout. Admitting it. Hell if it wasn’t for monthly checks showing up Ed would have thought the bastard had walked out on them for good. No phone calls, no letters checking in, impossible to get a hold of. There were times Ed had tried, when things had gotten really bad, when Al had gotten sick, when he needed to go stand in court and talk about one of the worst nights of his life….never an answer. Just a voice mail that Ed had filled up once with desperate calls and he never tried again.
The man came home once, for barely two weeks, and was gone back to work, or wherever he was. Just like that, like they didn’t really matter. Like he didn’t care. Ed was sure he didn’t now, he tried believing their mom when she told them otherwise, tried to believe like Al did that he’d be home if they just waited. He couldn’t do it anymore, he had to step up where the useless bastard couldn’t, and now he couldn’t even do that.
“I’m trying, I can’t do it anymore, but if I don’t no one else will……”
Roy wouldn’t let go of him, not for a moment, letting him sob it all out if need be. He’d seen how hard things were on Ed, questioned to himself why he put himself through so much. Of course he’d had his suspicions but he’d never felt it was his place to ask... even now he didn’t think it was... not until Ed started mentioning ‘he’ and ‘him’ and how he wasn’t around, how he hadn’t come home... hadn’t since he was twelve...
The pieces started to click. All of the time Ed spent working when most his age couldn’t be bothered... how he doted and worried over his brother... Why he always looked so tired.
Still not letting him go, Roy only allowed himself to pull back enough to look at Ed. “Wait... are you trying to tell me that you and Alphonse have been alone there for the last five years?” The shock was almost as prevalent in Roy’s voice as the concern. “Ed... why... why? Why haven’t you told anyone? Why do this to yourself?”
Roy’s heart broke even more. He remembered how it had been for his father and he was an adult. Even he hadn’t been able to handle it... how had Ed done it all of this time? There was no way that Roy could let him keep doing this to himself, but what could he do? He was only a college student himself, not much older than the blond now breaking in his arms. He hadn’t even been able to keep it together without years of therapy when his parents had... when... when... when his father had killed his mother and then himself. What good would he be to Ed? Roy didn’t even know where to begin to try and figure any of this out.
“Ed... I... I...” he stammered, tripping over his own tongue. He wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to do it alone, wanted to tell him that he’d help him... but he didn’t know if even he could, despite his best intentions and desire. He hated seeing Ed like this, hated knowing that so much was resting on those shoulders... and there wasn’t a damn thing he could think of to do about it except just hold him while his world seemed to be falling apart. “I... I want to help... I don’t know how but... please...”
