#colombianca

[bia2136]

Haaaan … this baby hurt 

[bia2136]

Nothing to say

This morning i woke up pretty late (10 am). Im trying to go to bed at a decent hour no days but my life does not permit it on a consistent basis. Any who, i feel i have nothing to say which is another way of me saying i have no drama to talk about. This is new for me, as my life was previously full of it. Today i am okay with #accepting life the way it comes and the way it is. You know, the way i live my life now is through spiritual principles. My day begins with a #meditation reading and #prayer. I pray for guidance and acceptance throughout my day. Im learning to live life, not survive it, or control. Im learning to live for the beauty it has to offer, for the blessings it has to offer, for the lessons it has to teach me, and for the weird moments that make me laugh at myself. Im learning to live to be of service to others in the world. Number one, my child, next comes my family and whoever it may be that crosses my path. Its been brought to my attention to check my motives. What really are my motives behind the things that i want and do? Is it self seeking? is it to my benefit and no one elses? Is it for approval? I will carry these thoughts with me today. When the time presents itself to make a decision, i will ask myself what my true motives are. I believe this will help me to break away from #selfwill and #selfishness. The life i desire to live is a spiritual one. One lived from my heart. #Awareness is the main ingredient in growth. I can't change anything, if I'm not aware it needs to be changed. I was recently in an #untitled #relationship... but we were both emotionally attached. This went on for a little over a year. I wanted so bad to make our relationship official, but my lover told me no, he wasn't ready and he had nothing to offer me at that time. While the situation was fresh, i was upset and just settled for it because i liked him and i didn't want him to go away, so i settled. My immature thinking was still at play. I had decided to occupy my time with other things and took a step to get back in school. During this time apart from him, and doing work on myself, i realized that what he did for me, not knowing it, was nothing but beneficial to me. It came to me that by him saying no to me, i was able to see why and i was made aware of the motives i had behind rushing into a committed relationship with him. I just didn't want to be alone, i wanted him and i didn't want anyone else to have him. But what he did for me, and what my g-d made me aware of, has now allowed me to do work on myself in that area of my life. I grew up, and am able to see my true motives behind that specific situation. I was in the wrong, he wasn't. Now we are just friends, acting as just friends. Still having feelings for each other but I now know i am not ready for a relationship and i now have the opportunity to work on myself. I thank him, i love him for loving me enough to respect me and my decisions. G-d is good, #pain is the best teacher. 

‘Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional’

[bia2136]

Be a big girl...

Tuesday, four days of my son being gone.... I've been having an awesome week on the outside, but its not completely coinciding with my insides. Many times before I've ben in this predicament. I woke up today to my alarm clock going off every 5 damn minutes, i set it that way. Why do i do these things to myself? They say when you hit the snooze button many times, it actually does more harm than the good that the couple extra minutes can do for you. So i got stressed. I woke up feeling empty again, thinking of yesterday, of people, of things that are not my business. Want to know why? Just because when theres nothing else to think about or nothing else going on, my mind wanders off to a dark place and starts thinking all these negative things. Unhealthy as shit. Anyway, at 10 i have a concert for my son, I'm excited to go and be there for him. These are the types of things I'm able to do today, show up for people. After that, i have traffic then therapy. Its going to be a full day. Ive already mapped it out, thought about how it was gna go... how i was gna act and feel through out the day, how I'm gna look.... Bc I'm #insane in the membrane, but i know not alone. Oh, I've been eating so much better... drinking a lot more water and i feel so good, I'm so pleased with myself or that. Im aware that theres foods that make me feel crappy and bloated and change my mood. Processed foods and sugars make my mood change. So i bought me some veggies for myself. I went to a yoga class yesterday too, was amazing. Its so perfect for me. I have trouble breathing and with anxiety and its a practice that will help with that. I truly believe in yoga and all its benefits. Im considering going to yogi school so i can learn more about it and incorporate it in my life. This is something i believe will be very good for me, plus its a great experience. New possibilities arising... its the little things in life that matter, the little blessings.... the way my little doggie looked at me with his dark brown eyes while he was licking his paw this morning, the ability to open up my lap top and google, the ability to do my make up and my hair, cook myself breakfast, read a book, and just live, today I'm living. Before i was just surviving... I've been to very darkened scary places, I've been around dangerous people, I've done lots of mood and mind altering things. Ive abused myself for years... i know what its like to have your freedom taken from you... today i will do my best to not take advantage of the freedom i have and the blessings that life and the universe will give me today. Today i woke up, today i am breathing, today I'm healthy... and i was just sent a beautiful picture of my son. How handsome and sweet he is!! Thank you g-d.