Rejected Sketch I Love: “Galaxy Bowling”
INT. LIVING ROOM, NIGHT.
A mother and her two adult children sit around a table.
MOTHER Well, kids, today is 15 years since your father went up into the Catskill mountains and disappeared. Do either of you have anything to say, you know, to remember him?
DAUGHTER He always gave the best hugs.
SON And he threw a killer curve ball.
MOTHER And he made love like a maniac.
DAUGHTER (Sympathetically) We know, Mom. You must miss him.
Weird UFO sounds go off.
DAUGHTER (CONT’D) Woah! What’s that?!
SON Oh god, the light is blinding me!
MOTHER WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
Pop! DAD appears.
DAD Hey guys.
SON ... Dad?
DAD Yeah. Wow, you guys look huge — you go through puberty in the last 8 hours?
DAUGHTER Eight hours? Dad it’s been fifteen years! Where have you been!?
DAD Oh yeah, I got straight-up abducted by aliens.
MOTHER Oh my god. What did they do to you? Where did they take you??
DAD Bowling.
MOTHER ... What?
DAD Yeah, they beamed me up into their UFO and took me galaxy bowling.
DAUGHTER ... like in the cosmos?
DAD No, like in Chester at the bowling alley right next to Destinta Cinemas. We bought a few rounds of beer, a couple baskets of hot wings, and I scored like five strikes in a row. They were pretty chill actually! Then I was so hammered they said I shouldn’t drive home so they were gonna drop me off. Now here I am. AND YOU ARE ALL SO OLD.
SON So are you! You’ve got a big long beard and your hair is totally gray.
DAD Okay now you’re just fucking with me — woah, where did this beard come from?
DAUGHTER So they didn’t do experiments on you?
DAD Nah, we were just bowling. I’ll take you next time.
DAUGHTER I can’t believe you go missing for fifteen years and the whole time you were in fucking Chester, New York?
DAD Yeah, it was super fun!
SON You missed my graduation!
DAUGHTER You missed my prom!
MOTHER And you missed my sexual peak! Doesn’t any of this mean anything to you?
DAD I mean, I don’t know! Kids... honey... I went hiking that day to get away from the grind of responsibility. You know, maybe I wasn’t ready to be a Dad. Then I got abducted by the raddest aliens. I had no idea I was going to miss so much.
DAUGHTER Would you say you have a renewed sense of appreciation for your family?
DAD Yeah, probably. What can I do to show how sorry I am for missing so many milestones while I was bowling somewhere in upstate New York?
MOTHER I don’t know that there’s anything you can do.
DAD What if I told you I brought you the bowling alley’s famous $3 hot wings?
ALL ALRIGHT!
ANNOUNCER The Bowling Alley in Chester New York, off of exit 16. Out of this world hot wings for $3.
