Procrastination
There’s a post I love that keeps popping up on my Medblr dash. It’s about the reality of procrastination. We procrastinate because we fear that if we put time and effort into a thing, and then we fail, it reflects badly on us. I know this feeling so well. It’s deep in my soul, in everything I do. I procrastinate all the time.
I did not get a great score on boards last year. In fact, I just barely passed. I’ve told no one my score, because NO ONE I know scored as low as me. When they ask I smile and say “Oh, I passed. Good enough for me,” but it’s not. It’s been gnawing at my self confidence all year long... Which is why when patients and preceptors praise me it matters so much. When a little old lady grabs my hand and thanks me for listening, when a doctor says I’m great with my patients, I know that medicine is my field. And on those days, I know a number doesn’t measure my worth, because I will be a great doctor someday.
But as I think about boards I cringe, knowing that I have to get a certain number to be considered by certain types of residencies. It almost feels as if my score will decide which specialty I “choose...” And as the weeks pass by and Level 2 approaches that doubt seeps in. And instead of throwing myself into studying I come online and read about studying, about PE nightmares, make elaborate study plans and then go watch some Netflix. It’s the worst kind of self sabotage. So, why am I on Tumblr right now? Because Medblr are my people, y’all get me, and I know there are others feeling the same way right now. And because today I’ve really thought about why my score was so bad last year. And it was this behavior. I had the right setup, and a good study plan. But I didn’t follow it. This year, no more excuses. If I do my best and still fail, so what? AT LEAST I TRIED THIS TIME. That’s what I want to be able to say in June.
So, my queue is empty, and I probably won’t be doing more than liking posts for a few minutes each night before bed, or during some strictly timed study breaks. Because I’m going to do better this year, or I’m not, but it won’t be procrastination and self-sabotage that gets me that score. It will be work.