Fears
Okay so, today or rather tonight’s topic will be fears. Uh, I was afraid of heights for a while when I was younger, but I outgrew it sort of. Not that I’m not still rather terrified when standing in a high place, looking down.
I’ve grown up with a very torn and broken family, who suffered from loss a lot. In the way that we had three deaths in the span of two years. My younger cousin lost both his parents in the span of those two years. His mother committed suicide when he was 4 years old. I don’t remember it affecting my life much, only that we hung out a lot more often then we used too, I was 5 at this time and we were best buds. It was around this time we found out his father had terminal cancer, my mom helped out around his house a lot in the next year, and my cousin started relying on me for things, not even important things, but I felt the need to be there for him when he missed his mother.
About two years late my father suddenly died, and me being 7 years old, I still couldn’t quite understand the whole concept of death. A week or two my cousins father passed away from the cancer, which had eaten away at him for two years. My cousin moved in with his grandparents on his father’s side of the family, my side. My need to be there for my cousin returned, I started pushing my own problems away, thinking that he had it worse, I still had my mom. So I started focusing on his needs and feelings, if we encountered something scary I would ‘face my fear’ or at least ‘suck it up’ because I didn’t want him seeing me that way. I wanted to be someone he could rely on, which meant that I couldn’t afford to be too scared of something, in case he needed me. He of course grew up to be bigger than me, which made my mindset change up a bit. Instead of me sort of ignoring my fears to show him that I was going to be okay, I enden up with the whole ‘if I can do it, then so can you’.
In reality I’m afraid. I’m afraid of a vast amount of things. Myself included. I’m afraid to open up. I’m afraid of actual physical pain, in the sense that even though I’ve wanted to hurt myself a lot of times, for being scared or to feel in control of a certain situation, but I’ve been too afraid of the pain to actually doing it. I’m afraid of feeling my emotions. I’m afraid of not feeling my emotions. I’m afraid to burden the people I care about. I’m in general afraid a lot of times, by a lot of things.
