So today's topic is things that I hate about myself. I like most people my age, aren't quite certain where to start when told to list dislikes about themselves. I could point out how I think my thighs are ugly because of the stretch marks, I could point out how I'm self conscious about my stomach or how I thing I'm annoying. But no, the thing I'm going to focus on today is me being unable to react the "correct way" when I get in an uncomfortable situation. Let's take today as an example, in school we had these two coaches visiting us, talking to us about what we thought the problems were and stuff like that. That might seem nice, maybe a bit tiring or boring for most people, but I'm in the position where my class is so split where one part basically sort of subtly hates the other part. We've had a number of larger conflicts in the past, so us sitting and talking civilized about our problems weren't such a great idea. Yes, usually it would be great to talk it out like the adults most of us are, but seeing but that literally everyone acts like butt hurt 13-year-olds every time things doesn't go our way. I'm not saying I'm better, because I'm not. We all know the kind of person who can just get the worst out in you, that is my whole class, we all have that role to some of the others, and that's just how it is. Anyways I'm a little late, not by much, but like with a minute or two. I walk into the room to see that people is sitting on chairs in a circle. You could litterateur feel the tension in the air when the door opened. I just stand there for a moment trying to calm my sudden anxiety, I end up sitting on a chair in the circle, because I don't want to give my class the satisfaction, of me acting like I'm above everyone else. Because I'm a stubborn piece of shit, I sit down in the circle, trying to calm my breath. I now sit like this for 40 minutes, not saying anything new, just trying to breathe, too stubborn to remove myself from the situation. We get a 5 minute break where I almost run out, calling one of my friends, who always knows how to handle situations like these. Break is over. I have to go back in there. Once again I can feel the tension in the circle once I open the door, standing in the doorway, debating whether or not it's too late to grab my stuff and leave. Before I can make a decision I am ushered inside and back into that dreaded circle by one of the coaches. There were two major problems with this. 1. My anxiety returned as soon as I stepped into the room 2. My spot, beside this one person who knew how I felt like, were taken. I couldn't seek support from her. For the next 40 minutes I would be on my own. I ended up almost crying twice in those 40 minutes, but I didn't, because I didn't want them to see me cry. After the day I've had, I feel like I need to go easy on myself. My stubbornness is a thing I hate about myself, how I let it control me. My need to prove myself right, or at least prove others wrong.
