Send me "I miss you" to know what my muse will say after 1 year, 5 years, then to 10 years after your muse's death.
"It has been exactly one year to the day. I have not cried in six months. I feel nothing, really. I do not even know why I keep coming back here. There was not even a body to bury. I am not sure I want to know why, but I like to think it is because somehow, some way, maybe Sebastian did not devour your soul after all. I know it is silly and naive of me. I don't care. Olivia does not discourage that line of thinking, so there must be some hope there... right?
I told Elizabeth that I'm in love with you. I thought she would be angry with me, but instead she laughed and cried and told me that she was happy that she wasn't the only one who could feel that for you. I guess it brings me a little comfort -- to be honest with her. I did not tell her anything else, but I don't think I have to. She's a smart girl. Smarter than either of us really gave her credit for. I think she knows the truth. Not about the contract, but certainly everything else. I don't deserve her kindness, or her friendship. She ought to hate me, but she doesn't -- at least that is what she tells me.
I know we agreed not to speak of it, but it seems moot now, so why not? You knew it even if I didn't say it. At least, I hope you did. I did-- do love you, Ciel. Maybe I always will... I don't know."
"I could kill the cemetery caretaker. I spent a good fifteen minutes pulling weeds from around your marker. It seems no one has been keeping it up around here, so I suppose I will have to start doing it myself. Perhaps I will have some flowers planted. I think sterling silver roses would be good -- they remind me of you. Lizzy would've had an absolute fit if she had seen the state of this place, though. Oh--- right, I suppose I should mention that. She is my sister now. At least by marriage. I'm sure it would thrill you to know that I married your cousin, Edward. I cannot seem to cut ties with you completely, can I?
He's sweet, though. Lizzy introduced us after he returned from Weston. I didn't like him at first, but I've warmed up to him. Of course, I don't think I'll ever love him as much as I love you, but he'll take care of me and I suppose that's all I can hope for in these times, isn't it? He doesn't really like that I keep visiting your grave. He says it's unhealthy, but I don't care. He can't stop me."
"Vincent, come here, mon petit. Don't pull the roses, please. Can you say hello to Ciel? ---That's a good boy. Run along now, Papa is waiting for you.
He is turning four next month. It's strange. I never really thought I'd ever have children, but I love him dearly. He's named for your father, of course. I wanted to name him Ciel, but Edward would have none of it -- so it is his middle name instead. Vincent Ciel Midford. I think it's a fine name. Lizzy adores him, of course. She has two of her own now, by Charles, but I'm sure you know that. I have no doubt she's come to visit you just as much as I have.
I still miss you, but... I think I'm alright now. It took a while, but I think I'm whole again. Perhaps it is Vincent that has done the trick. He gives me reason to get up in the morning. I think you would've liked him.
I must go. I think this will be my last visit for a long time. Maybe Olivia was right. It's time to move on. Let go. I'm sure you'd want that for me too, wouldn't you?
Jusqu'à ce que nous retrouvons."
