symptoms
-increased paranoia/anxiety -constant daydreaming -but sometimes feeling like you have brief periods where you’re just having no thoughts, you can just sit there and exist and zone out, nothing is in there -trouble articulating things or speaking on the spot -having complex inner fantasies that are almost abstract, very meaningful to you but you could never explain them with words -feeling like time moves weirdly, like slow for some days and incredibly fast for other days -increase in unconventional beliefs, or at least feeling as open to them as you do mainstream or scientifically based ones -constant preoccupation with topics such as human nature, the origins and evolution of man, language & thought, history, and spirituality, and thinking of yourself primarily in those contexts. this is a big one because it’s the very lens i see my life through and is in my head at all times. but despite that i would probably find it hard to talk about those topics -feeling like you could be on the verge of some kind of mental break -feeling less trusting of your senses and not trusting your own sanity -thinking about miscellaneous types of crazy people (or people with dementia or brain injuries etc) and empathizing with them, thinking they could feel on the inside no different than you, or how you might just be a less intense version of that -always chasing nostalgia and things that are sentimental in a very personal way, even small elements like a color or item or smell, their value is very very high to you -feeling like you sort of base your personality and self-identity on those things, but no one else but you could understand those things obviously, so it’s like your personality exists only to yourself -sometimes feeling like you’re able to put yourself in the mind of you when you were younger, as if no time had passed you can just suddenly return to exactly how you felt as a kid or a young teen -thinking about life in the grandest scheme possible, always thinking about each stage of life and how you’re moving through them like a point on a line. and similarly to the last point, feeling like you can think as yourself as a kid and also as a senior. but all these stages also seem very close to each other. like you can sort of feel how linear time isn’t a concrete thing and everything actually occurs all at once at the very same instant -simultaneously wanting to be completely alone/isolated, yet feeling terrified of having no one who understands you, no one you can talk to without feeling guarded or judged -feeling that no one knows you in the least. even the closest people to you understand you 1% -spending more time thinking about death, how human’s reconcile with their own mortality, types of deaths, how the dying process feels, etc. -not in a fascination way, in a fearful way. also generally thinking about suffering a lot -feeling profoundly self conscious yet not caring about others’ opinions -feeling like there must be so few people in the world who are in the same mental/spiritual universe as you, feeling afraid you’ll end up without one and thus not having met your soulmate and that’s very important to you -genuinely wondering if you’re some level of retarded -thinking more about how others perceive you as deeply weird, knowing that’s a fact, and understanding their point of view, and feeling like shit from this, like a monster, and “weird” becomes this awful awful descriptor. ties into wondering if you’re just retarded and no one’s told you. -preoccupation with depth vs. superficiality -feeling you think much more deeply than most other people, feeling like a jackass for feeling that way but still believing it -having two primary modes, one being your usual spaced out scatterbrained self (ie during the work week, most of your time). the other being your more special, deep, meditative mode. when you’re in that mode the other mode seems like a complete waste of time. this is what leads to sadness -when you’re in the special/deep/zen/meditative mode, that’s the only time you feel clearheaded and introspective and thoughtful and sharp and creative -your major life drives including the pursuit of more depth, the pursuit of special things and the special/deep/zen/meditative mode--this is also linked to the nostalgia/sentimentality stuff -feeling like you’re able to articulate only a small portion of your thoughts and the concepts in your head -detachment from others partially because you don’t feel like you can relate to them in any way shape or form, partially because you feel retarded and couldn’t form any bond with them even if you wanted to -feeling like everyone knows you’re different even in the simplest interactions -strong desire, almost a need, to create art that is meaningful or accesses my soul directly in some way
