Me and my sister are chilling in the living room when suddenly I hear yelling from outside. Like, the street. “Grab him, thief!” And I’m like, damn it, of course I gotta check this out. Jacket on, pull out my Coke Zero, and I peek outside.
Of course, I roll out like some nosy old lady from upstairs. I look down, and there’s this dude—holy shit—running out of the building across the street. Someone’s chasing him screaming, “Grab the thief!” And think about it—this is right before New Year’s.
The kid wasn’t exactly Usain Bolt, you know? But then it gets wild. The guy running out bumps into other residents from the same building. They hit him with a move so brutal he just… goes out. Like some giraffe getting pinched at the wrong spot. People start handling him, and more neighbors come out, all four floors of the building, curious what the hell is going on. Everyone’s asking how he got in, communicating through gestures, yelling stuff like “drugged idiot!” You couldn’t hide what had happened if you tried.
They throw him down on the ground, shouting at him, calling him every name in the book. Meanwhile, I hear someone calling the cops. About two minutes before the cops arrive, I hear this echoing from the back courtyard. It’s like in the movies when the psycho runs out swinging a sickle—you get the idea. There’s this shortish kid, flying across the yard like mad, screaming, coming from nowhere.
And then—this kick. I swear, it’s like a Suzuki hits a Honda Civic. He launches it full force. You could hear it wake people in the next neighborhood. Absolute chaos.
The cops finally show up, three cars, and the guy? They went to this one guy, who by then wasn’t exactly in peak mobility. – Well, yeah, I figured. They could hear him two streets over—he got wiped out, big time. I’m not gonna say I felt sorry for him (let him rot by morning), but damn, it was something else.
Honestly, he looked like a beaten-up dog… like, a really beaten-up dog. Poor guy. You could tell he knew what had happened. Everyone instantly got back to their business. – Respect, good evening! – We found him in the hallway, already in full “intruder caught” mode. Stopped him. – And then that quarter hour? – That was the part where they basically laid into him hardcore. Good Lord. I’m not gonna lie, I laughed a little. – I was shook.
And think about it: nowadays, trying to break into an apartment building… he only managed to get in the first time. That’s it. So you can imagine what kind of “genius” we’re dealing with here.