Recognizing and Handling Manipulation in Co-Parenting: A Real Conversation Breakdown
Co-parenting can be an emotional rollercoaster, especially when manipulation, control, and emotional abuse seep into the conversations. Recently, I found myself in a dialogue with my co-parent that started as a simple reminder about our child’s baseball practice but quickly evolved into an exchange filled with subtle manipulation and control tactics.
In this blog post, I’ll share a detailed breakdown of our conversation, highlighting the manipulative behaviors at play and explaining how I handled them. By understanding these patterns, you can learn to identify manipulation in your own co-parenting relationship and take steps to protect your emotional well-being while keeping the focus on your child.
The Full Conversation Breakdown
1. His Initial Message: Missing Practice
"We won’t be attending baseball practice today, but we’ll be at the game tomorrow." (Sent: 10/14/2024 at 12:16 PM)
This message was neutral, simply informing me that they wouldn’t attend practice. While it seemed harmless, it opened the door for a deeper conversation about the importance of consistency and commitment when it comes to our child’s development.
2. My Response: A Gentle Reminder About Practice
"Thanks for letting me know. Just a quick reminder that practice is key for Kai’s growth and confidence on the field. The games are fun, but practice is where the real progress happens. See you both tomorrow." (Sent: 10/14/2024 at 12:21 PM)
What I Did Right:
Kept It Child-Focused: I emphasized the importance of practice for our child’s growth and confidence without making it personal or confrontational.
Neutral and Gentle Tone: My response was simply a reminder, not an attack, designed to keep the conversation respectful and productive.
3. His First Response: Assertion of Expertise and Dismissiveness
"I’ve been in baseball most of my life. I understand that practice is just as important as games. We practice at my house all the time. I also believe letting the coaches coach and the parents stay off the field and out of the dugout is key to a young child’s development as well as his confidence as an athlete. That’s why once we get to the practices or games, I step back. I let Kai know that I am there to support him or take him to the restroom, but other than that, he needs to pay attention and ask questions to his coach. We will be there Tuesday. See you then." (Sent: 10/14/2024 at 12:25 PM)
Breakdown:
Assertion of Expertise: By emphasizing his experience in baseball, he attempts to discredit my involvement or input, positioning himself as the authority on the matter.
Dismissal: He deflects from my point about the importance of practice by highlighting what he does at home, implying that my concerns are unnecessary.
Control of the Narrative: His statement about staying off the field and letting the coaches handle things indirectly critiques my participation at practice, trying to control how I should engage.
4. My Response: Clarification and Setting Boundaries
"I understand your perspective, but just to clarify, I’m not the only parent going in and out of the dugout — it’s pretty common with the other parents too, and none of the coaches have ever had an issue with how I support Kai during practice. I communicate directly with them, and they’re fine with how I handle things. That said, we are co-parenting, and I respect that we may have different approaches at times. I don’t interfere or dictate how you parent, so I’d appreciate it if you kept your personal opinions about my approach to yourself as well. Thanks." (Sent: 10/14/2024 at 12:34 PM)
What I Did Right:
Clarified the Situation: I provided factual information about how other parents behave and the coaches’ approval of my involvement, which grounded the conversation in reality.
Set Firm Boundaries: I reminded him that we are co-parenting and that I expect mutual respect for our differing approaches without overreach or control.
Respectful and Direct: My response was firm but respectful, ensuring the conversation stayed focused on boundaries and parenting, not personal attacks.
5. His Second Response: Deflection and Emotional Manipulation
*"I have paid pretty close attention. Other parents do not go in and out of the dugout and follow their kid out on the field. There are coaches who have kids on the team, but other than that, unless a child gets injured, the parents tend to stay on the sideline and out of the dugout. This is the sport that I have played my entire life. From the age of 5 all the way to getting a scholarship for baseball. I will not keep my opinions to myself when it comes to my son. As you stated in the prior message, we are co-parents. This means that we both have a say in how our child is raised. You think letting him watch things on YouTube like Skibidi Toilet is okay as well as watching the movie *IT. I can tell you that I don’t think it’s appropriate, but I have no way of enforcing it. So, when Kai is with you, you can watch those types of things. He has expressed to me that he is scared to walk anywhere in my house without me, and he follows me around everywhere. Those are just my thoughts and observations. Do with them what you will." (Sent: 10/14/2024 at 12:47 PM)
Breakdown:
Deflection: Instead of addressing my clarification about the dugout, he shifts the conversation to unrelated issues, such as media choices, to deflect attention from my point.
Emotional Manipulation: He uses our child’s fears as a tool to manipulate me, trying to make me feel guilty about my parenting decisions and portray himself as the responsible parent.
Refusal to Respect Boundaries: By stating, “I will not keep my opinions to myself,” he disregards my request for mutual respect in co-parenting, continuing to impose his views on my parenting choices.
6. My Response: Reframing and Redirecting the Conversation
"Just wanted to follow up to clarify that my reminder about practice wasn’t meant as a personal attack, just a reminder. I know you have a lot of experience with baseball and as long as you're practicing with Kai, that definitely makes up for missing team practices. Since I don’t have that same experience, I try not to miss practice so I can keep up. But for you, taking Kai to the park and practicing together is just as valuable, and I know he benefits a lot from that time with you. Thanks for understanding." (Sent: 10/14/2024 at 12:53 PM)
What I Did Right:
Clarified My Intentions: I made it clear that my reminder wasn’t an attack but a simple suggestion aimed at supporting our child.
Acknowledged His Expertise: By recognizing his experience, I diffused some of the tension, reframing the conversation to focus on what’s best for our child.
Redirected the Conversation: I shifted the focus back to the shared goal of supporting our child’s development rather than continuing an unnecessary debate.
7. His Third Response: Gaslighting and False Equivalence
"I would like you to know that my opinions are not personal attacks as well. Just my thoughts on our son. I believe it is important to keep open lines of communication so we can raise our son as seamlessly as possible. I hope it is clear to you by now that I have my son's best interest and I am not an absent father. I do have opinions, and I am entitled to express some of them to you when it comes to our son and his development. This app is here to create open lines of communication in a safe space to better help raise our son. An example of this would be the dentist appointment. You stated that giving him donuts could have caused his teeth to be bad. I let you know that I brush his teeth lots after those kinds of foods. After the dentist, I said I would cut back on the donuts, and you said I don’t have to cut back, I just need to keep his teeth brushed. Your opinion was to keep his teeth brushed. Mine was to both brush his teeth and cut back on sweets. Though we have a difference of opinion, I still listen to your opinion. I cut back sweets at my house, and you can do what you choose at yours. No problem with either of those ways of parenting." (Sent: 10/14/2024 at 12:55 PM)
Breakdown:
Gaslighting: By reframing his opinions as “not personal attacks,” he tries to make me question my perception of his previous critical comments.
False Equivalence: He creates the illusion of balance, claiming that we’ve both listened to each other equally, even though he has consistently dismissed my feedback and concerns.
Subtle Blame: He frames the issue in a way that implies I have been overreactive or dismissive of his role as a parent, subtly shifting blame onto me.
8. My Response: Direct and Firm Boundary Setting
"I hear you, and I understand that you have a lot of experience with baseball, which I respect. We both want what’s best for Kai, and I’m always open
to hearing your thoughts. That being said, I’ve seen other parents step into the dugout as well, and none of the coaches have ever expressed an issue with me being involved. If they had, I would have adjusted my approach. As for co-parenting, you’re absolutely right — we both have a say in Kai’s upbringing, and I respect your opinions on things like the media he watches. But just as you have concerns, there are a lot of action movies you’ve put on for Kai that I don’t feel are appropriate either, and Kai has mentioned things to me as well. Unfortunately, you haven’t always been open to my feedback on those matters, like when I suggested therapy for him, which you refused. I’ll continue to do my best to raise Kai in a way that builds his confidence and makes him feel supported. Thanks for sharing how he’s been feeling." (Sent: 10/14/2024 at 1:00 PM)
What I Did Right:
Acknowledgment: I continued to acknowledge his concerns, which helped avoid escalating the conflict.
Addressed His Criticism: I pointed out that while he has raised concerns, I have also had issues with his choices, creating a more balanced conversation.
Reinforced My Boundaries: I reaffirmed my role in making decisions for our child, showing that I wouldn’t be swayed or controlled by his critiques.
9. My Final Response: Ending the Conversation
"I understand your perspective, and I appreciate you sharing your experience with sports. However, this conversation has gone far beyond what it originally started as—a simple reminder about practice—and hasn’t felt like shared, positive feedback. I’ve been open to listening to your thoughts, but this back-and-forth isn’t productive anymore. I know what I’m doing when it comes to supporting Kai, and it’s clear you haven’t seen that. I don’t feel the need to justify my actions or explain every decision I make. Justifying myself isn’t the solution here. I’ve heard what you have to say, but it also shows me you haven’t fully seen what I’m doing during practice. So, it’s best to end this conversation now. Let’s move forward with the understanding that we’re both doing what we believe is best for Kai, and we can continue co-parenting in a way that’s focused on him, not on disagreements." (Sent: 10/14/2024 at 1:11 PM)
What I Did Right:
Closed the Conversation Firmly: I ended the conversation respectfully but clearly, signaling that I wouldn’t continue the back-and-forth.
Refused to Justify Myself: I made it clear that I don’t need to justify my actions, especially when the conversation isn’t focused on solutions.
Focused on the Child’s Well-Being: I redirected the conversation back to the child, keeping the focus where it belongs—on their growth and well-being.
10. His Escalation: Projection and Legal Threats
"This conversation with you has further shown me that you can shoot out criticism, but you cannot take it. Every time I try to tell you my thoughts, you immediately go into victim mode. You gave me your opinion about practice, and I acknowledged your opinion and gave you one of mine. It is very one-sided when it comes to communicating with you. I will not allow you to try to portray me as a bully for being concerned with my son's upbringing. Fathers have the same amount of rights as mothers, and I will continue to express my opinions on how to raise our son. Take them however you feel, and the court can sort out if you are a victim or not." (Sent: 10/14/2024 at 1:27 PM)
Breakdown:
Projection: He accuses me of the very behavior he is engaging in—claiming that I can’t handle criticism when, in fact, he has been dismissive and controlling throughout the conversation.
Gaslighting and Victim Blaming: He claims that I am playing the victim, trying to make me question whether my boundaries and concerns are justified.
Legal Threats: By mentioning the court, he attempts to intimidate me and assert control, creating fear and positioning himself as the one with more power.
Key Takeaways for Co-Parents
Recognize Manipulation Tactics: Pay attention to signs of gaslighting, projection, and emotional manipulation. These tactics are designed to control the conversation and make you question yourself.
Set Clear Boundaries: Establish and reinforce boundaries when necessary. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into debates or justifications that aren’t productive.
Use NLP Techniques: Techniques like pacing and leading and reframing can help keep the conversation calm, focused, and child-centered.
Stay Focused on the Child: Keep redirecting the conversation back to your shared goal of supporting your child. Don’t allow unrelated issues to derail the discussion.
Know When to End the Conversation: If the conversation becomes unproductive or toxic, end it respectfully but firmly, as continuing will only create more stress and tension.
By breaking down this interaction and analyzing the manipulation tactics at play, I hope other co-parents can see how to handle similar situations with clarity, confidence, and focus on wha