rambling
I am unsure if I am disappointed in myself or if I am disappointed in others. I can’t set expectations to others, that is unfair. They are living their own lives, emotions, struggles, etc. So it may be my fault, my own disappointment, that I set expectations for people for myself. Do I bring my own sadness? Do I bring my own downfall? By causing my own disappointment? By associating that disappointment with people? To distance myself from people? As a way to distance myself from...myself?
Have I really grown? All this self-care, self-aware bullshit. Am I any different? Surely, I may have made SOME progress. Clearly, though, it is not enough.
Seems as though I need to start focusing on myself. Like how I used to do before this self-care bs. Creating my own happiness. Just like I used to.
I used to lay in bed every night, let my mind wonder, let my imagination explore, beautiful scenarios and possibilities. I lived vicariously through my bedtime imaginations. Traveling the world, exploring breathtaking places, learning new cultures, indulging in delicious cuisine, meeting beautiful people, sharing my experience with a best friend and love.
I learned it all, from reading countless books.
I lived it all. I’ve seen it all. Imaginary fights, imaginary struggles, imaginary illness, imaginary peace, imaginary fortune, imaginary sights, imaginary love, imaginary dreams coming true.
I miss myself. My old self. I think I will go back to my imaginary world. I was in control. It was better.