Day 22 Quarantine.
Yo so I changed my fb profile picture, I always feel so weird posting or doing things. It feels so public and permanent. Only being able to interact with myself, its losing its meaning. Not that it ever had meaning. I mean why do we care what the internet says about us? because we are afraid someday someone will find something embarrassing..or maybe because we secretly home someday our lives will have been worthy of a story and someone will be interested in what we said? Not to be dark, but thats not going to happen. There are what? billions of people on fb? I need to live like I care about no ones validation beyond my own? I need to find a way to do things and not imagine someone seeing me do things. I dont think god is watching but I definitely often act like someone is/or could watch. Maybe living along is making me batty. I have lived alone awhile and I prefer it, but not actually interacting with anyone is driving me bonkers! And yet, I write like someone is going to read what I am saying while trying to make myself forget someone is going to read this as i write. Does this make any sense? I think so, but I am also not big on rereading. I do like to write and dream of writing something people will read, someday. I am in a constant struggle with comprehending my existence, life and death and meaning, but no one wants to really talk about this thing. It drives me, consumes me sometimes. Imaging being old and dying, or just being old and not having reconciled myself with my non-existence. Sometimes I bring it up just to see if I can get any traction. I have yet had another human being want to truly engage about death. It is the one thing we all have in common, but its the thing we cant talk about.;not really.