I dont care who reads this, or why, or what their reaction is, I feel like i need to vent, and maybe(?) this is the place for it, maybe not. I dont know.
We all have angry thoughts, but I never truly wanted to hurt someone. We all feel insecure sometimes, but i am only insecure because i feared the outcome or feared the wrong is within me. I pushed too hard with those i loved and i pushed them over. When I first met my partners, i was an asshole, and honestly I still am. They left me because I turned back into the asshole I was. I was abusive, angry, over emotional, too forward with nearly everything. I moved too fast for both of them, I did things that could have gotten them in trouble, that got me in trouble. i hurt them and i wasn’t even thinking. i look back on it and damn myself because i knew what i was doing, i was being impulsive and controlling, wanting something then doing it without thinking ahead. They told me what i was doing wrong once, i didn’t feel like it was enough and honestly i barely remember it. this last time this told me again, and i said some stupid things, impulsive, angry, unclear, hell at one point suicidal. i cant take back what i did or what i said, but i would give anything to. i love them so fucking much, and i always will. i need to change things before i should even talk to them. I never meant to hurt them, i never wanted to leave them. But they needed to leave me, i was toxic and abusive and i couldn’t do that to someone,,, anyone, them.. I asked them if they wanted to stay together, they said they didn’t know, leaning towards no. they had every right to, i couldn’t control them, and if i thought i did then i was wrong. they’re free to be happy with each other and i hope they are for a long time.
i hurt them both, bad, and i hope that in time (soon) i can fix myself and they can forgive me and we can at least try and be friends again. if i never see them again, if they shut me out of their lives, more power to them.
i dont know what writing this out will do and i dont really care, i just hope it will make things easier for anyone in some stance.
And yes im fine, i just needed to open the flood gates for a little while. your regularly scheduled madness will continue... soon?