Weirdly, I feel like being nonhuman makes my gender dysphoria worse because I don't feel like this human body is mine, so no matter how masculine it looks, I can't feel like it really reflects me. I feel like I have a hard time seeing myself in this human body without a haze of weird shit people have put in my head about it. Like, no matter how masculine it looks, it's still *deadname*, and all the pressures and expectations attached to that. It still isn't me.
I've struggled with dissociation my whole life, and partially due to complex truama and my shitty surroundings, but also, I think, because being in this body was just so painful. If I pretend to be human too long, I get restless, frustrated, irrationally angry, and deppressed, etc. The only cure I've ever found that works is reconnecting with the real, nonhuman, me. Even now, well into my "transition," I still just feel trapped in this human body that has never fit me.
