#cp'18

[cyruspavels]

Remember?

I’ve been in love with so many women that there are women in my past I have completely forgotten about. Good women; Beautiful women that never get written about or thought of. 

And I guess that’s my curse, right? Being unable to recall beautiful loves of my past; beautiful moments that once meant the world to me. 

And maybe you would see that as a gift because you’re hurting on the inside right now. But I believe that your hurt is self-inflicted. Actually, that gut-wrenching feeling you’re currently experiencing on the inside is because of your own doing; by your own hand. 

I don’t think you should read my stories and much less watch them. Mainly because they’re not about you, but being the narcissist that you are, you will totally believe that everything is about you. 

My sunshine is already mine. You’re still hidden in the darkness searching for yours and I can appreciate that because I have been there once or twice, too.  But there’s nothing but pain waiting for you if you lurk in the shadows of my loves. There’s nothing but regret waiting for you there.

I don’t want to be a tool for your self-inflicting rituals.  I don’t want to be a pawn for a checkmate you will never achieve against me.  All I want to do is find happy souls and bask in their lights.  I think it’s time You really say goodbye.

—CYRUS PAVEL

[cyruspavels]

Leo

I could spot your mane from a mile away, And if your hair is tied up or pulled back, I’d wait for you to enter my domain. I’d watch everyone in that room turn to stare your way,  And as you walked on by, I’d simply ignore your gaze.

And I’d watch how many other men battle over you, From a distance.  I’d laugh at them knowing that they never stood a chance; No ability to/ Zero resistance.  And on your way out, I’d say something funny.  You’d melt like butter in my hand, Trapped between my fingers, Slowly turning into honey.

—CYRUS PAVEL The Cancer Fire Dragon

[cyruspavels]

Supposed To Be Gone

Sometimes I hear your voice and it’s as if you are right there next to me.  I turn to see your face, but you are not there.  And I scare myself because that familiar tone and texture of your voice could only have come from my own mind.  You’ve been gone for so long.  To a place none of us on this Earth are allowed to find.  I wonder if you think of me, wherever you are, too.  I hope that maybe when it’s all said and done, I’ll still remember you.  I think that I pray for these things now more than ever because I am a dad.  I beg God to not let my own son miss out on the things that I never had. 

And if death comes for me before I can say goodbye. Please remember, my son, that I only lived this long to forever be by your side. 

—CYRUS PAVEL

[cyruspavels]

Happy Fucking New Year

I leave 2018 with another grin on my chin and multiple bodybags under my belt. Don’t worry, one day you will get here and see that it’s not all we crack that shit up to be; Trust me. 

But still, it’s nice to have more wins than losses in anything you do. More champagne and less pain.  More jackpots and less busts. 

My life has been progressive for nearly a decade.  Yes, I was once a mess like you, too. 

2018 was full of less hate and violence, and much more love.  I’m grateful for all of it, though.  Grateful for the great times, Grateful for the disastrous ones. 

I have noticed that our revolutionary conversations have dissipated, tremendously. Don’t think I forgot. We will do what we set out to do. But everything in good time, my dear friend. Everything, in, good, time. 

For 2019, I will become even scarcer than I’ve ever been. Take no offense to unanswered texts and unreturned phone calls. I have a baby to raise, and if the reason you need to speak to me isn’t about how that is going to elevate his future and secure it nicely—I want no parts of it. 

I want no parts of your dreams because you’ve never asked me about mine.  I want no parts of your plans because you really have none, they are just dreams.. (see previous sentence.) I want zero parts of your love because that shit is notorious for being temporary, anyway, right?. Tell me I’m lying..  I want nothing to do with your memories because I am a ghost. You have no pictures of me, and that was done for a reason. I want absolutely nothing to do with your life because I never existed in it. Can you honestly say that there was ever a ring?

Hopeless romantics love to pretend that no one knows what is going on in their hearts, but that’s bullshit. It’s bullshit because you know, very well, that I have always known what was what, even when I made you believe that I was clueless. 

In 2019, I will become a ghost. I will change my settings and surroundings. I will continue to share what I want you to purposely know. I will post temporary stories and delete them when I choose to do so. I don’t follow any fucking rules. I subtly dictate them; always have.

Most of you spend your lifetimes looking for the master—the teacher....  Me? I spend my time influencing those you have been looking for. In the long run, you’re just walking on the paths I have laid out and decided all the choices to. 

And once in a while, I will disappear with no trace only to respawn in some other form. The OG’s following me know. One day, you will get it, too. 

—CYRUS PAVEL

[cyruspavels]

Nancy (With The Laughing Face)

I’ve been listening to a lot of Frank, lately. A fuckload of Frank’s music; writing words behind thick clouds of freshly blown cigar smoke. Arturo Fuente, sometimes. Other times, a Padron or two. Not Frank Ocean, no. Frankie Sinatra, duh. 

I’m on that wave. Cuba in the 20′s. There, I’m at a tiny coffee shop at the very crack of dawn, before the first half of the morning is over. Havana is quiet at this time. All the passed out Americans, silenced by hours of imbibing. 

I want the next decade to represent where I am in life. I want the same peace within me, reflected by what I surround myself with, outside. 

They say that Saturday Night is the loneliest night of the week. Well then, Thank God—it’s, Friday. 

[cyruspavels]

Birds Stopped Singing

Last night you were in my dream, And even there I wasn’t fucking with you. You apologized in that way that you always do, But your way is no longer enough for me.  I’m not so sure that there is any way that it will ever be. 

I told you, I’m good, So I don’t know why your soul is calling for mine.  Once I’m done, I’m overdone,  It was only just a matter of some time.

I have a message for you that will clear things up.  Move on, far along, And never look back Because for you, there is not one more song. 

—CYRUS PAVEL 

[cyruspavels]

Paradise

Good air, Great breeze. I never did care,  Much better to breathe. 

I’m in bliss,  Warm weather,  Nothing to miss, No ugly sweaters. 

Sunlight on my face,  Hot hearts in your old space.  No evil for thousands of miles,  I’ll be staying right here, for a long while. 

—CYRUS PAVEL

[cyruspavels]

Checkmate 101

I think she believed that I had no idea all she wanted to do was to get back at me for breaking her heart, but I could see it in her eyes from day one; the heartbreak still lingering inside her pupils. What did I expect though? I knew she had been hurt. Most people become devastated when they are broken up with for someone else. She was no different—still human, and all. 

True enigmas are really scarce. Societies exist and cease to exist before the earth sees a true enigma again, and sometimes, even if the enigmas are within us, they rarely show their faces. 

She didn’t understand that she was dealing with an enigma. She believed that a mirror reflection is what she was looking at, but that’s only because she is blinded by beauty and fury at the same time—much like a toddler going through her terrible twos. 

But some things on this earth are not meant to be uncovered. Not all bones should be unearthed. Not all jars need to be opened. We must leave chaos in its bottles; must leave disaster alone. 

We were the science experiment that blew up in your high school lab. Two elements that cannot coexist because the only way for them to do so would be to blow everything else into oblivion. 

I’ve been to oblivion before. I have no interest in heading back there, yet. I like this world and this life and my manner of being. Actually, I adore the state of just being. 

One day it will all make sense. One day you will realize that although I may have actually had some sort of real feelings for you, you were just a pawn on my chessboard, and I eagerly sacrificed you for my King and Queen. I’d do it again and again, in a second. 

Maybe you recognized all of that in my eyes, too.  Maybe we both pretended to be the fool. 

—CYRUS PAVEL