"All you have to do is point and shoot, right?" (Domestic Assassin AU, Frozen)
Let's just say, don't ever hurt Anna's boyfriend, Kristoff, in front of her. Especially when her sister is a domestic assassin.
This is for @kalikoke, a quick little gift/throw back to a wild crackverse of Frozen brought to us by @ultranos. Also have a feeling @raksha-the-demon will enjoy this.
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Elsa was having a rather spicy dream where she was having very good sex with Anna's friend, Jannike--whom Elsa had been dating for a good few months now--when the erotic slumber was rudely interrupted by a very loud, very heavy knocking on her bedroom door. Immediately, all instincts were on high alert, Elsa wide awake faster than she could say "coffee", whipping her blankets off and trying to remember where the hell her nearest rifle was again.
"ELSA! WAKE UP!" Anna yelled from the other side of the door, her volume rivaling that of standing next to a jet plane right as it takes off.
"I'm up!" Elsa yelled back in a few less decibels than Anna's--at the very least, softer than a jet engine at take off.
"About time!" Anna shouted, volume now softer, albeit roughly the same decibels as being up close and personal to the stage at a rock concert.
Elsa began to rush toward the door, only for it to be kicked open so hard by a red-faced, furious Anna that it slammed the wall behind it, jumpscaring the five cats that had been on Elsa's bed, and were all now scampering toward hiding places or out into the hallway.
"Okay, who should I kill?" Elsa asked.
"Him!" Anna yelled, pointing her arm out into the hallway, Elsa immediately rushing forward to look over her shoulder, but saw no one.
"I don't--"
"It can't be hard to aim a sniper rifle, right?" Anna asked through clenched teeth, fists white-knuckled and eyes blazing with a murderous fury.
"Anna--"
"All you have to do is point and shoot, right?"
"Wait--"
"Let me borrow it just this once!"
"Anna, no."
Anna stepped forward, hands against Elsa's shoulders like she was trying to push her aside.
"Let me use it!"
Elsa stood her ground, digging her heels in, raising her own hands to firmly cup Anna's face, holding her head still so her little sister couldn't look away from her.
"Anna, I say this with love, but no. Now, tell me, what happened?"
"Sniper rifle lessons. Crash course."
"How about this, you tell me what happened, and I'll find the asshole."
Anna dropped her hands from Elsa's shoulders, now folding them, shoulders hunched up even more than they were before.
"He bumped into Kristoff. Smacked him into a glass door and laughed. How dare this fucker hurt my boyfriend."
"Who is he and how hard did he--"
"Hans. Hans."
"Not surprised," Elsa said, scowling at the name. "Should've taken him out ages ago."
Anna's jaw dropped open. "Wait, you know him?!"
"Yeah, he's someone we've all been waiting to exterminate."
"Well! Maybe tonight's the night!"
"What. Did. He. Do." Elsa asked very slowly and emphatically, in dual purpose to try to calm Anna down a bit, and emphasising how pissed she was getting right now at Hans.
Anna audibly inhaled through her nose, then blew it out all at once, ruffling Elsa's fringe.
"We were taking a very romantic stroll in town, trying to get some boba tea--"
"This late at night?"
"Emergency boba tea--"
"Emergency?"
"I had a craving, but that's beside the point, Elsa." Anna inhaled through her nose, nostrils flaring, before continuing. "When who should fucking show up? Hans! Hans, who waited until we were about to walk out of the shop, to shove Kristoff into the door, and laugh."
"This. Man. Needs. To. Die." Elsa ground her teeth, fingers flexing and clenching. "How dare he." Now it was her turn to take a deep breath. "How's Kristoff?"
"Terrible. Gonna take a while to recover."
"Oh shit--"
"He's going to have a bruise on his forehead thanks to Hans the Shithead."
Elsa cracked her knuckles, pretending not to see Anna's grimace at the crackling.
"Death," Elsa declared in a flat, emotionless tone.
"Death!" Anna agreed, sounding unusually enthusiastic at the prospect; ordinarily, she was very much the opposite.
Well, that does it then.
"Let me get my sniper rifle and we'll go hunt Hans down."
"Oh good, I'll wait for you to get dressed--"
"Dressed?"
"Yeah, what, you're going to snipe him in your pyjamas?"
Elsa looked down at herself, examining the pyjamas for a few seconds before shrugging and straightening her shoulders.
"It'll do. This is far too important."
"Don't you need that camoflage stuff?"
Elsa swooped Anna into a tight hug. "Ordinarily, yeah. But not tonight."
Anna hugged her back. "I'm coming with you."
Elsa pulled back from the hug, squeezing Anna's shoulders.
"I would never dream of letting you miss this."
Anna pumped the air.
"...nor that you'd be so... excited about this."
"I'll still get those sniper rifle lessons, right?"
"..."
"Right?"
"So, how much do you understand about the Coriolis Effect and the Earth's curvature?"
Anna blinked at Elsa, her face the picture of confusion.
"Nothing, I take it." Elsa nodded sagely. "That's always the first lesson. Now let's go avenge your boyfriend."
