#crimsoncarcass

[crimsoncarcass]

I love him

Why didn’t I know how much power these

Words were in affirming someone and their

Everything they’ve carried till today to simply

Say I love you, knowing complete confidence

Trust in their perception of you, a mirror of you

You can’t control no matter how wrong they are

To believe with complete faith in another’s

Universe moving in the same timeline and space

The ultimate moment of faith and chance all

On a bet in those words, is power of surrender

And potential destruction of your everything

And the strength of power to move forward with

Something that could be dead weight, is indeed

A pack animal’s best and highest form of honor

To continue to show up and invite them to run

Alongside you in life, for a forever that could be

Short or long, you promise uncertainty with a

Word that brings hope, trust, and even trusting

Your downfall to be worth this chance of you

Existing longer in my world as much longer as

Possible because the sight was so dazzling it

Hurt me to not see it forever again as if that

Feeling could end any day any time so it has to be

Now or never, and the lack of caution was so

Attractive that you would fling your weakest part

Right in front of me as the strongest proudest

I’ve ever met in this battlefield I loved everything

Bold about you, and when you were soft and sad

It was so attractive that you could look and feel

So raw and genuine to your heart you hide

Everything and nothing at the same time

It is so sweet and cute and yet I simply want

To be around you while you live and survive

Because I love seeing everything you do, think,

The way you move through struggle to victory

To me, you are so beautiful I want to see

So much more everytime you appear, I have to

Be careful to not scare you away since you

Are unexpectedly shy and I love that too

To not pry and hold space, so you can unfold

In your most natural sense I want to watch your

Face turn into happiness because of me one day

I just want to make you happily ever after so

I’m sorry I didn’t say it back, I’m sorry fear

Got me engulfed in my own thoughts I didn’t

See the trust in me to hold you into the magic

You chose of all people me, to uphold that day

[crimsoncarcass]

You know I wonder why I stopped writing when I’m distressed or sad. It keeps me away from bothering ppl and I love that this time for the first time forever, that me, staying away from someone is actually something they may prefer since he gets overwhelmed easily. And that? Is so new.

That’s right I gotta try this new style because I’ve been anxiously attached and criticized in silence and so unsure of silence but his silence is possibly, that everything is …okay. And that is so…strange and new and maybe reassuring.

Reassuring of my freedom and I’m so glad I get to see him soon and see, if he’s simply as fun as we always were, and want nothing more.

He never wanted a contract maybe.

Maybe he was just expressing how big and real his emotions were to him.

And maybe marriage wasn’t a contract to him.

Maybe he just …wanted to tell me that he wanted to try.

Try something more to keep me in contact.

And this time, maybe it’s time for me to show up.

Just like he always showed up for me.

[crimsoncarcass]

[Avoidant attachment style]

I love and love with all my heart

We knew this from the start so

Fear grew stronger only to warn me

Be smart be cold be bold and make

A decision you will regret. Yes regret.

That maybe it could have happened

But walk away with glee that it was

Already so beautiful I didn’t need more

And tragedy is always your demise but

This time a hint of hope and sweetness

Can engulf your sadness, give you that

Smile backwards when you look past

That maybe this could have been so

Great but the best part was, you didn’t

Fuck it up, and neither did I. Because I

Simply ran away, a coward, but in love,

And that’s why I’ll forever never disappoint

You or the future I could have wanted that day

[crimsoncarcass]

Dear Father,

It’s my birthday so here’s a letter

That I’ll never send to you unless

I die and my mother is still alive enough

To care to send it to you, for she is not me.

Every year I wait for you to die, this year

The same. The reason is not merely spite

But because I want to miss you finally,

But knowing what you continue every day

Alive, I cannot miss you for the curse ongoing.

You commit torture and abuse, If not physical

all mental, the hardest game of chess I’ve ever

played or watched, when You, a fool or a genius,

or simply an entity of something dark evil

Merely flip the board off the table with victory

Written all over your face, choking my hair onto

The very table I laid my argument on, you judge

My entire life with the look of fear in my eyes

That I can’t get rid of at 29 despite my fight since

I was 6 in that living room, broken objects

A woman covering corners of tables and walls

That constant yelling and the smaller shadow

Peeking his eyes from where only I could see

My siblings, you beat less lighter I hope than

Everything from my life, I took on so much

As the shield of target, a live bullseye of your

Obsession for perfection because I was actually

So close to it being your perfect life, is it why

My life is such a shamble without your control?

[crimsoncarcass]

Self sabotage

Stay away. It’s so cliche and yet

Something my corny childhood thought

Was so cold and cool to learn, to protect my

Fully loaded heart of a weapon, I wanted to go

To war for my love and die, a martyr to betrayal

Does it hurt me now to unlearn something

That I still think is cool? Even though I know

How much pain it causes, because you too,

Are so cold and cool, we were so alike dearest

And I loved you so much like I could heal

If I could prevent your future from destruction

But it broke me when I saw you cry, it’s all

Okay when you’re here but it’s actually not,

Is technically what you said and I knew

I was the knife in your wound, so set you free

Was what I did, but your heart shattered finally

When I let go I didn’t know, hanging on thin

You were so far off the ground, it’s my fault

I was supposed to protect you with everything

I had and yet all I remember is how hard I tried

Simply to shut you out so you couldn’t see

All the pain I had behind doors because I trusted

It was too much for you to handle when nobody

Could even if they tried, and the wounds that bled

Couldn’t be cured they come back periodically

Suicide-addiction and dark cynical ideation

My demons are so excited to destroy anything

Especially deny and fight what could reach

My heart because without that cruelty in me

I would be broken too quickly by a heart so pure

Like yours full of fire, so tell me what is it

That you want from me?

[crimsoncarcass]

Crush

Nobody can save me. And yet all I yearn is someone who can. A hand to reach out

Down. Into my hands when I drown and

Reach for the sunlight above water

Not for you, but for the beauty of life

I wanted so badly and knew I didn’t deserve

My dream that isn’t a nightmare, is that

In that final moment where air bubbles leave

My mouth as I gag on silence, the water fills

My lungs until my body relapses to static

No pain just simply suffocation, this time more

Real than life ever was. Finally fading, I’ve been

Dreaming nightmares for this silence when my

Eyes stay open and see nothing but everything

I had above me as I leave, crying is invisible in

Water as I drown downwards, I want to feel

That smile grow on me finally, genuine, for now

I know I did, indeed, have it all, my life wasn’t

So bad, because it’s finally over the pain can

Be immortalized romanticized to gorgeous glam

A crowned tragedy with no remorse, except if,

There was one last wish, I wish too, that someone

Could have saved me like I did so many others

My smile still on me for myself, cradling hurt,

My dark gaze lowers into darkness, it’s okay

no one can save you anyways, remember

Even if they try don’t let them because they can’t

It’ll only hurt them to know they can’t carry

What you have for them and your own life

But one day if I’m born again, I wish I could

Be saved this time. Not by me, but someone

Cooler than what I ever could have been

[crimsoncarcass]

Walmart

All day all I do is search for the past

My father used to criticize me for

Looking at things I have at home happily

“Why come shopping to look for what

You already have?” Belittled. I stopped

finding things that felt like home

Even when I found it where I could reach

[crimsoncarcass]

Birthday

If it brought me in, it should be able

To take me out, it has to be somewhere

A solution to take me out of this dark

Dark tunnel. No light here at the end

when you’re the Sun in this universe

Warming and supporting anyone and

Everything falls apart when they go to

Sleep, night falls, and the glow from

Moonlight is also simply yours you put

On yourself, because you can’t live without

Attention in this dark cold place, your fire

Is so tired, but that’s why it’s out of

Control, combusting, enflaming, burning

Anything and everyone out of my life

So this loneliness will be justified one day

Only to flatter myself in false glory so

My new audience in different galaxies

Don’t think I’m some loser who burned

My entire solar system just because I fell

In love once, and the second time my fear

Burned happiness straight out of

Andromeda and beyond, by now the cold

deep Space was all I knew floating like debri