MAMA! MAMA!
Magnus’s amber cat eyes shot open as the last remaining echo of the painful memory lingered in his mind. The smell of burning candles, the soft sound of the crickets nearby, and the warm breeze of the late night wind felt all too real as he stared at the dark ceiling of his bedroom, which was slightly illuminated by the dim lamp at the bedside table. He took in a deep heavy breath as he tried to calm down his already trembling form. Then a moment later, he realized that there were already a flood of silent tears streaming down his face.
He knew that sleep was something he just couldn’t do, especially right now. Every time he closed his eyes and let himself drift off, all he could see behind his eyelids was his mother's lying form in her old bed, a pool of blood surrounding her as a huge blade was sticking out from her chest.
Magnus bit back an awful sob as he tried desperately to push that image away from his head. As he sniffed back the tears, he turned his head to the side and saw Alec’s curled up figure beside him, looking peaceful and fully unaware of what’s happening with him. He watched as his boyfriend's shoulders and chest rise up lightly with each breath he took, accompanied by the sound of muffled snores that Magnus grew to love. As he quietly stared at his Alexander's sleeping face, Magnus contemplated on whether or not he should wake Alec up—just as he asked him to do earlier.
“Magnus, if things get bad again, please tell me. I don’t care if it happens during the day or in the middle of the night—I just don’t want you to face this on your own.”
“Don’t worry, Alexander. I’ll be fine. I promise I’ll be here when you wake up in the morning.”
He reached his hand out and carefully pushed away a few strands of hair that fell on Alec’s forehead. Looking at how comfortable his boyfriend is right now, Magnus decided that he didn’t want to bother him anymore with his own problems, and he thought that it just seems unfair for Alec to bear this burden even when it’s not his to begin with.
“I’m sorry, love.” he whispered, his voice cracking. He deliberately scooted closer to his Alexander, and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. When he was sure that Alec didn’t wake up from that, he let out an unsteady sigh and gently moved away from his sleeping boyfriend.
He slowly sat at the edge of their bed, and he felt the familiar heavy feeling on his chest weighed him down again. As he tried to shrug out some tension on his bare shoulders, he lifted a shaking hand and nervously rubbed it at the back of his neck. He could feel the tears forming in his eyes again, and he took a sharp intake of breath as he stared at the space in front of him.
Please, just pull yourself together, he pleaded to himself as he ran his fingers through his hair. He just couldn’t stop crying, damn it. Feeling defeated, he closed his eyes and let them flow freely down his cheeks. Okay, just think of something else.
After a beat, he heard a sleepy and hoarse voice calling out from behind him.
“Magnus?”
When the voice finally registered in his head, Magnus's eyes opened widely in a flash. He took a big gulp, and just stayed frozen in his place as he felt the bed shift slightly at the other side. Everything around him clicked on his mind and he hurriedly wiped the remnants of tears on his face. He tried his best to find composure, and he pushed himself to put on a brave face as he felt a pair of hands placing a soft fabric around his body. Somewhat confused and curious, he looked down at himself and realized that the fabric was his cobalt blue robe. He glanced at the hand on his shoulder and followed it up until his bloodshot amber eyes met a pair of beautiful hazel ones, which shined like gold from the little light of the room.
“Hey,” Alec whispered as he gently sat down beside him, placing an arm around his lower back. Magnus noticed that there’s still a hint of drowsiness in his boyfriend’s face, but there’s also a serious look of concern and worry in them.
Seeing that expression on Alec’s face, he swallowed hard and fought back the urge to break down at that very moment. To balance himself down, Magnus reached out and rested his hand on Alec’s upper thigh, just above the knee. He tried to make himself sound normal when he spoke up, but he failed as his voice cracked at the end. “Hey.”
Alec’s face soften at the sound of his voice breaking, and Magnus went still as his boyfriend slowly lifted a hand to cup his tear-stained cheek. He leaned into the touch, and Alec’s thumb gently brushed through it with so much care that it somehow managed to calm him down. As he closed his eyes, Magnus felt the space beside him shift as his boyfriend leaned closer to him, and bumped his forehead to his temple. He could feel Alec’s warm breath at the side of his face, and he tried to match his breathing with him. Soon enough, the heavy feeling on his chest subsided, and the tears finally stopped falling. With a sigh, Magnus placed his other hand above Alec’s, and he let his thumb caress it as a way to silently say thank you.
“Do you want me to make you some tea?” Alec whispered, his other hand rubbing some tension away from Magnus's back.
Magnus angled his head slightly to the side, almost bumping his nose to Alec’s. He chose not to speak, and instead, he just quietly nodded as his Alexander breathed out a sigh.
“Okay,” Alec mumbled, reaching up to the side of Magnus's head and placing a soft kiss on the temple. Carefully, he untangled himself from his boyfriend and slowly stood up. When he faced Magnus, he reached down to take his boyfriend’s hands on his own, and gently guided the High Warlock up from the bed. “Come on, let’s get you some chamomile tea.”
“Okay,” Magnus said quietly, his throat felt rough after not using it for so long.
He stood up from the bed, fixed his cobalt blue robe around his body, and placed both of his arms on the sleeves. As he did so, he watched as his Alexander grabbed the discarded maroon shirt on the floor and put it on. When both of them had settled those comfortable clothes on, Alec took hold of Magnus’s hand and guided him out of the room.
The entire loft was relatively quiet and dark, with the delicate muted sound of the borough outside seemingly breaking the absolute stillness. It was almost pitch black when they emerged from the bedroom, with only the faint light of the city lights trying desperately to shine past the thick curtain on the tall windows. Magnus watched as his boyfriend reached his hand out to the wall beside him to find the light switch. With a hint of a small smile on his face, he snapped his fingers and the room’s dim lights immediately lit up. As he looked around the place, he could feel Alec’s eyes on him, and he turned to see those hazel eyes staring at him with a gentle expression behind them. His lips turned into a delicate smile, and he gave Alec’s hand a light squeeze. Alec looked relieved to see a smile on his lips, and placed a quick kiss on his hand before guiding him again towards the room.
They both found themselves in the living room area, where the big chandelier shined elegantly in a comforting way. Alec led his boyfriend to the big leather sofa in the middle of the room, and he gestured towards it as the Magnus raised a perfect eyebrow in confusion.
“Here, sit down while I make the tea.” his boyfriend explained, a gentle smile appearing on his face.
Magnus relaxed and nodded, and gracefully sat down on his sofa behind him. He made himself comfortable as he watched his Alexander’s retreating figure disappear towards the kitchen.
When Alec was no longer there, Magnus's attention drifted to the light blue chair that stood opposite from his place on the sofa. At the sight of it, his thoughts instantly went back to the conversation they had a few hours earlier, when he finally found the strength and courage to let Alec know about his childhood and past struggles—including the trauma he faced while stuck in Valentine’s body.
“Alexander, I’m so sorry for hiding all of this from you. I just—I never wanted you to see this terrible, ugly side of me.”
“Magnus, you don’t have to be afraid about letting me in. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I love you—every single part of you. The best, the worst, the beautiful, the ugly… everything. Your heart and soul means everything to me, and I don’t want you to go through this on your own.”
“Magnus?”
He jumped slightly on his seat, and he shook his head as he tried to bring his thoughts back to the present. He looked up from where the voice came from and saw his boyfriend looking very worried as he held a cup of steaming hot tea on his hand. His dark brown eyes followed Alec as the Shadowhunter carefully kneeled in front of him, placing the cup on top of the coffee table. The position reminded him again of their earlier conversation, and as he watched him intently, Alec reached out and brushed away a few tears that fell down on his cheek. Magnus was slightly shocked—he didn’t even realized that he was crying.
“Hey,” Alec muttered softly as he continued to caress his cheek. “I’m here.”
Magnus closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, and opened them up again a moment later to see Alec still staring at him with the same gentle concern in those hazel eyes. A little relieved smile creeped through his lips as he faintly replied, “I know, Alexander.”
With a deep sigh, Alec leaned in and placed a quick kiss on Magnus’s forehead before settling next to him on the sofa. For the rest of the hour, they both sat in silence as Magnus took the time to sip his tea slowly, cherishing the warm heat flowing down his throat in a soothing manner. As he did that, Alec sat patiently beside him, and he rubbed circles around Magnus's back to ease his slightly tensed body.
When he finished drinking all of the tea, he eventually found himself resting his head on Alec’s lap, with the rest of his body occupying most of the sofa. He breathed out a sigh of relief when he heard Alec humming a soft tune to his ear. The sound of Alec’s voice, low and gentle, was enough to completely calm his nerves, and he closed his eyes when his boyfriend ran a hand through his already messy hair in a reassuring way.
“Thank you, Alexander.” he whispered so quietly that Alec almost didn’t catch it.
Alec responded with a low “Go to sleep, Magnus. I’ll be here when you wake up” on his ear, then proceeded to hum a different song that Magnus recognized as an old lullaby. As he focused on the melody, he realized how tired he was and he found himself slowly drifting off to unconsciousness.
Before sleep totally consumed him, the last thing he remembered was Alec whispering “I love you so much” and the soft touch of his lips on his cheek.
