baby shane who hates physical contact, especially out of the blue. his parents who can only do so much when relatives expect hugs and kisses when they see him and don't care that it clearly makes him uncomfortable. baby shane who learns that family can demand physical affection and you're a bad kid if you don't give it to them.
teenage shane who learns that his girlfriends expect hugs and kisses and holding hands and an arm around their shoulders, who has already learned that he's the one in the wrong for not wanting to. teenage shane who's just gotten used to teammates giving him high-fives or fistbumps or pats on the back. teenage shane who sees physical affection as a box to check in to be a good friend, good boyfriend, good teammate. teenage shane who never really stopped feeling like a bad kid for not wanting to.
young adult shane, who meets ilya and for once doesn't have to brace himself for a handshake. who goes for a second without thinking about it. young adult shane who lets ilya grab his face and push him into walls and for the first time in his life skin-to-skin contact doesn't hurt, for the first time in his life he's comfortable letting someone touch him and for the first time in his life he's touching them too and going back for more, and maybe he's finally not a bad kid anymore.
adult shane who's in a relationship with ilya, who's having a bad day and for the first time avoids ilya's touch. and he's so scared that he's a bad kid again, that he was getting better and now he's ruined it, he's failed to check the boxes of good boyfriend, so he tries again to lean into ilya, but it feels like his skin is crawling and he can't do it. ilya who notices and moves away, and shane is so sure this is the end, but instead ilya looks at him and asks what's wrong and listens when shane explains that he can't do physical contact right now and asks what he can do to help, and shane realizes maybe he wasn't a bad kid in the first place.
