#cruz22

[outflowofemotion]

i saw your face again

it’s been over a year

since i last saw you, spoke to you, walked away.

i stopped writing because i healed enough

to not have to write about us anymore.

i am okay with my decision.

i needed to put myself first and let you go.

but last night i checked your instagram

and there you were staring back at me

after so long.

i can vividly remember falling in love

with your face.

i could stare at you forever.

i was so incredibly attracted to you.

you were everything i wanted.

your hair in my fingers

your mesmerizing eyes

your intoxicating lips

the curve of your nose and jaw

your constellation of freckles.

seeing that picture

brought everything back

and i cried

at loosing and walking away

from everything

i chose to want.

[outflowofemotion]

2/18/18

on valentine’s day he told me

he had feelings for me.

and i was both sad and mad.

i was flattered of course and it felt nice

to be wanted.

but i was sad i did not feel the same

and i was mad he ruined our friendship.

my mind skidded to you.

and that made me more angry.

here was this man who did make me happy

he listened, he was there, he wanted me.

but he never made me feel

like i used to feel with you

during our good times.

my heart twisted painfully.

it made me think

could i not fall in love with anyone else

because i’m still in love with you?

[outflowofemotion]

safe place.

your lap was my safe place.

i can't even count how many times

i slid into place

looking down at you lying under me

your eyes

sometimes playful

sometimes mischievous

sometimes concerned and worried

always on me

we would argue we would get frustrated

but you would pull me onto your lap and

i was safe i was home

we could work through anything

our defenses could come down

we could be silly, serious, sexy

the world didn't seem so complicated

fights would turn to make ups

sitting on your lap

no matter where we were

i could slip onto your lap and

everything was right in the world

like two puzzle pieces made perfectly

for the other

just waiting to feel whole

waiting to belong

waiting to make sense

and we made sense

when i sat on your lap

and i could look down at you

and know you were the one

i chose

and your lap was my safe place

[outflowofemotion]

you made me fall in love with kid cudi.

have you heard the new album? i feel like you would love it. i hate that the first thing i thought of when i heard of his new album was you.

you introduced me to him and i fell in love with everything you liked because i fell in love with you.

i could just picture us all wrapped up together just listening to the album my fingers gently tracing your skin your chest firm under my cheek your heartbeat steady under my ear our fingers easily intertwining

i wonder idly if you love the things i told you i love nevertheless i hate that i still think of you when listening to cudi but i still hold on to the things you love because i can no longer hold onto you.

[outflowofemotion]

love does not just disappear

and of course i still love you.

i'm still so in love with you.

love doesn't just disappear

yes i walked away from you

but my love still lives here

my love never had a home in your heart

she starved and died waiting for you

love doesn't just disappear

but you never loved me

so i had to disappear

[outflowofemotion]

the end.

how do you write about the end

when things feel this final?

i can write about you leaving me

i can write about moving on

i can write about the pain,

betrayal,

hurt

i can write about the future

but i cannot put into words the end

i left you this time

i was so in love with you

and i had to break my promise

because i cannot save you

i'm letting you go to find yourself

without your safety net

without your doormat

without me

please let me go.

i need you to let me go

i need this cruel back and forth to end

i need this to end

please

let this be the end.

[outflowofemotion]

11.29.16

it doesn't make sense

for me to still be here.

for me to come running

as soon as you call.

for me to so easily forgive you.

for me to be so utterly in love with you.

it doesn't make sense.

it doesn't make sense

but i look into your eyes

and i'm hypnotized.

your lips may lie to me

but your eyes never do.

you may have a mask on

but your eyes have always

spoken the truth.

it doesn't make sense but

you have pulled me back

into your arms

and suddenly

the pieces of my heart

that i've hidden away

come to life.

you gently run your fingertips

across my skin and

my veins ignite into fires

i cannot control.

you intertwine our legs together

and i don't know where you end

and i begin.

you place kisses

on my cheek or forehead

and the guards covering my heart

slowly come down.

it doesn't make sense but

i take your hand and

intertwine our fingers

and i'm whole again

when i thought i was complete already.

[outflowofemotion]

it was then

it was that week we spent

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday

together

the summer was ending

so that meant we were ending

for the first time

and I played "kiss me" by Ed Sheeran

I was in your arms

and like the song says

my head against your chest

my lips against your neck

and the thought of us

separating brought tears to my eyes

I did not want to let you go

looking back it was then

in that moment

with "kiss me" playing in the background

and the thought of us not being together

it was then

I should have known it was then

that was three years ago

and I'm barely realizing

it was then

I loved you from the beginning

and I only recognized it at the very end