#crying posting this

[playlamb]

[cedarnommer]

I've been committing self harm by reading news about trans people and our care and riding a wave of dread and anxiety. I seriously just need to vent out.

I'm so tired of the impossible circle of negativity. If I'm non-conforming, that means I'm a man in a dress. If I'm conforming, that means I'm being misogynistic and replicating the patriarchy. If I speak up I'm silencing women. If I stay quiet I'm a groomer and a predator. I'm both stronger than any cis woman while also somehow being a failed weak male. I'm apparently spreading a social contagion while spending most days at home and having no real life friends. I apparently am mentally ill and need help but I'm also dangerous and should be killed off.

This summarizes the soup of negativity I keep seeing. I wish I could control myself from reading this, yet when you see a large crowd of people saying these things, don't you feel terrified? Any action I do is bad. Any action I do is dangerous. Even if I stood still and said nothing, I'd be a threat.

Do you know why I work carefully on my makeup, what I wear, what my figure looks like? Part of it is that I enjoy being feminine and pretty. Part of it is a fear that I'll be beaten up or killed when outside. I've been ganged up on outside before. I'm afraid for my own life. The bathroom thing is insane. I was so afraid of going to the restroom at some point that I held my pee in for 4 to 5 hours until I got home. I tried using a men's restroom and some men started being hostile towards me.

I'm afraid.

I'm scared.

I don't feel safe.

And all I get is conflicting messages of bigotry. Awful laws being passed. Literal Nazi organizations funding anti-trans research and sentiment just so I could stop existing. This is beyond evil. Beyond painful. It's scary! It's wrong!

I'm someone that can't talk to most people! I don't even register that people are around me. The world is less overloading when you have your earphones on and listen to music.

I'm physically weak. I'm an emotional wreck. I deal with anxiety. And I just want to be left alone. I want to spend my money on my pills, wear cute outfits, take nice selfies and share them with my friends. Maybe one day being with my friends and partner. That's my dream life. The life I'm striving towards.

What?

You expected more?

Some grand plan to enslave women?

To tell others how to live their life?

I haven't had much for most of my life. My transition is the first time I've felt accomplished. Felt like I fulfilled my only dream. I don't want money, a house or anything else. I don't even care about the stupid sex that these bigots are so obsessed about! I never asked to have these genitals!! My whole life has been suffering and mental problems, family problems, school problems and abusive employers. I.. I just want my quiet happy life where I get to be a beautiful woman. So.. why do so many people want to have me suffer more?

What did I ever do to these people that they relentlessly bully and harass me and others?