[playlamb]

[withinlamb]

Being left to die has been my biggest fear, without knowing it. ‘Dying’ meaning being left alone in the dark hole of my complete disconnect from everything. I developed a phobia of the thing that defined everything about me.

This is why sudden goodbyes were utterly unbearable, I had a friend I was obsessed with who flew to visit me and when she left I entered the worst depression I have ever experienced in my life. I think that might have been what triggered my psychotic depression actually. ..damn I didn’t know that. I survived by the frantic grace of my mania and creativity.

I have always been alone but being alone is impossible for me, so I fantasized about human connection because otherwise I’d die, either physically or spiritually— That emptiness is not survivable or tolerable to the human mind.

I’m probably still alive thanks to my clinging onto the idea that working towards a connection with whatever specific person is possible.

I don’t know how I’ve survived my life. [edit: through repression & suppression of needs] It’s been full of everything a person like me can’t experience without killing themselves. I want the miracle of someone seeing me and appreciating me for the work I’ve been able to put into my growth. I fantasize about being loved and accepted. I think everyone thinks I’m a worthless idiot. But that’s the trauma speaking, but everyone has viewed me that way. So at some point it just becomes reasonable suspicion. I don’t know if it’s reasonable suspicion.

I don’t know if the idea of being appreciated is ludicrous or not. My understanding of basic emotional needs is mush. I think the most painful thing I’ve been called is annoying. I don’t want people I love to think I’m worthless anymore because the thought of being left behind in the dark hole scares me so much. I don’t know if I am worthless. I don’t know if they’re right.

I feel like the only thing I know is the direction I want to go in, and am moving towards. Nobody has ever believed in me. I don’t know if I am worthless or not.

[playlamb]

every demon needs a mama sometimes

[playlamb]

hi.

sad about health things. all very treatable, but takes very long to heal, and when it gets bad, it’s very hard to deal with, often can’t move at all, need so much rest, just feel tired of having to live this way. can’t seem to do anything I want before being put back in bed. Gotta go very slow and wish didn’t have to.

[playlamb]

thinking about you. what is it thinking about in this moment?

I am thinking of Jean-Michel Basquiat and the movement of his mind, dashing through life experiences and documenting them immediately, as abstractly as they are, the original form of experience, through painting. The dashing and the inability to pretend or walk outside the truth. I’m thinking of Lewis Carroll’s refusal to conform to the rules pressed on him. The familiarity I feel. I’m thinking of the easel I got, and the pain my body is in, and the way I know where I want to go but am pushed down every time I get up to leave.

[withinlamb]

frail and recovering

[playlamb]

Using language as a tool to communicate, a tool I don’t believe in, I can say things like, “The christs of the world are coveted for their light” and mean it sincerely. There’s a truth about me I wish you knew. Will you listen to what I’m trying to tell?

[playlamb]

not enough food before meds again I guess so I get to feel foodpoisoned and not sleep. please

[playlamb]

feeling better

[playlamb]

not enough food before meds again I guess so I get to feel foodpoisoned and not sleep. please

[maeborowski]

you love me and so i will giving you prizes

[mismedleym]

birth of an angel (revisited)

[playlamb]

The euphoric release in the moment loneliness becomes solitude

[playlamb]

did you know some razors have precision bit on the top of thhe so you can’t scratch your face with that bit or else you will shave your eyebrow off :)

[playlamb]

every demon needs a mama sometimes

[seasonofhorror]

HOUSE OF WAX

jaume collet-serra, 2005

[firagasoap]

Jun Takahashi - UNDERCOVER

[playlamb]

(thinks about it) I think having parents must be awesome actually, because you get to see two people love each other and kiss and then they also love you. (pauses and then . nods)

[playlamb]

This has been a mystery until rightnow, I’m really glad I could understand this

but now I think..I want something