#cryingcritter

[th3critt3rag3]

Anybody else just fucking tweak randomly like I CANNOT KEEP LIVING THIS WAY I AM A HIDEOUS USELESS BEAST HELP PLEASE GOD HELP ME

And then just kind of take a deep breath and put on lip gloss and go back to work

[th3critt3rag3]

I am very tired these days. I have crawled back up to 157.8łɓs. I don't mean to let go every time but I don't want to go back to where I was. I'm very disappointed in myself, I had worked extremely hard to get my w31ght down and even did it in a careful, non-d1s0rdered way.

When I would gain back after doing insane crash d1etș or things I knew were wrong, I would get irrationally angry, but it was all from the disorder. It would go away as I began to recover.

But this feels entirely different. I've never felt so defeated and disappointed in myself. I spent way, way too much time strengthening my body and learning to enjoy excercise and finding truly healthy eating habits to just... give up and slip back into old habits for the sake of comfort. I know when you're juggling a lot with a chronic illness some ball has to drop, but jesus christ does it always have to be my body? Does it always have to be the one thing I can't just get over?

I have a week long lake trip coming up at the beginning of September to celebrate by 21st birthday. My family and partner will all be staying in a cabin with me. I'm super excited! But man. I had plans. Outfits to wear, visions of getting blitzed and having fun and knowing i would bounce back after. But I'm having a terrible flare up that's left me tired, in pain, covered in psoriasis patches and back up to my starting weight from January of 2025. It's exhausting and I'm heartbroken.

I'd even been patient. Didn't buy new clothes until I had maintained the lower w31ght for a month or two. Only for it to aaaall come crashing down and leave me right back where I started, in clothes that don't fit and skin that feels wrong on my body.

I know I can get back to where I was, with healthier habits that will not only help my w3ight but are HUGELY helpful in managing my psoriatic arthritis. The medditeranean style dïêt I was doing + working out 3-5 times a week FINALLY had me feeling the way I believe normal, well people feel. And I threw it away because I wanted to binge and drink and muffle the stress in my brain.

My partner and I have decided that we're going to put off looking for a house until we feel like we will still have a savings cushion post down-payment. It's given me some clarity and room to breath. Having a house would not be worth it if we are then stressing about money constantly and living on a painfully strict budget to reinstate our savings.

Blah. I'm just complaining. It was going okay but I was kayaking on the river with my family this past weekend and there were so many lovely fit girls with pretty thigh gaps and toned tummies and tanned skin and I just felt like this fat pale blob covered in nasty red flaky skin patches and greasy half grown out dyed hair. It's so humiliating to look back and know, 100%, that I was miles more beautiful when I was 16/17 than I am at 20, despite having significantly better access to better skincare, haircare, makeup, clothes... everything i need and yet here I am, looking like I've already given up because aparently my general quality of life is not as important to me as three glasses of wine and a pint of ice cream.

I ordered a new swimsuit for the lake trip, because the one I have it better for lounging than really swimming. I started out good this morning and have been slowly getting back into a better excercise routine, though its only been about twice a week during May. I'm going to do my best and hope I can lose 10-15 lbs in the next two months. I can do that on a reasonably strict d1êt without... y'know.

Anyway. Rant over. This just isn't a can of worms i want to open with anybody in my irl world so I am unloading it here, lol

[th3critt3rag3]

Was super excited to go to a jazz club with my girls this weekend, bought a new dress n everything, only to realize that the planner (who should not be planning anything, god love her) did not pay enough attention to detail and it's a 21+ establishment. Which i am not. So I can't go unless everyone else agrees to change their plans, which i don't want to ask them to do. Sighhhh

I just wanted to wear my new dress out :(

[th3critt3rag3]

[th3critt3rag3]

I hate hate HAAAATEEE that there is a camera directly on my desk at work and theres one other person in the building who watches cameras other than me

My autistic ass needs to rock or something rn I have so many Feelings but I cannot because she's watching and it's stressing me out knowing she's watching me 🫩

[th3critt3rag3]

Had a dream about my high-school ex-boyfriend that was incredibly pleasant and soothing after my current bf (whom I love dearly) and I had a little fight and I do NOT appreciate my brain doing that.

FUCK that man he SUCKED why on earth would you give me the nice parts??? "Hey remember when-" NO. I DO NOT WANT TO REMEMBER. HELLO????

Anyway. Sometimes our subconscious sucks and it makes me uncomfortable. Also Emily from pretty little liars was there but that's besides the point lmfao

[th3critt3rag3]

WELCOME TO THE

☆CRITTERAGE!☆

A little about me:

I make these posts on mobile, if it looks dumb elsewhere omg don't tell me. Please read to know what you'll see on this blog including TW!!

A little bit about me:

°•○☆ My name is Tobie! I am 20, pronouns she/her or them/theirs. I'm not too picky.

°•○☆ This blog is entirely whatever nonsense comes to mind. May be blurbs from the book I am drafting, may be Baldur's Gate 3, may be Deltarune, may be knitting... you get the idea

°•○☆ I am a vintage/historical fashion buff and history buff in general! I like mundane history and enjoy following the lives of common women.

°•○☆ I knit, sew, paint, draw, write, and I love anything to do with cloth, fabric, makeup, hair... I'm very "girly" in my interests.

°•○☆ I love to bake and cook :) maybe I'll post meals sometimes

°•○☆ I play the Sims 4, Baldurs Gate 3, and Stardew Valley when I do game. Sometimes I dabble in Helldivers, Ultrakill or Risk of Rain, if you ever want to chat! I have only watched my bf play Undertale/Deltarune because I like the story and I am kind of bad at it lol.

°•○☆ TW. 3D AND 3ATING ISSUES

I have had a r3str!ct1ve 3at1ng d1s0rd3r since I was 14 years old and, naturally, have been in between relapsing and recovering the past 6 years. I may discuss this sometimes and it will not *always* contain a trigger warning. It's my life and I am going to be honest about it one way or the other.

°•○☆ Some writing posts may contain NSFW stuff and I'll put a warning on that because I, too, hate to be surprised with smut lol. I like to know what I'm getting in to.

°•○☆ I will not immediately block minors, as it is you and your parents' responsibility to control the media you engage with. However I will not respond to asks or messages from anybody under 17 unless it's innocuous like "How do you knit a garter stitch" lol Also under 14 IS getting blocked because I refuse to encourage children to remain on Tumblr. It did me no good at that age and I recommend you go elsewhere :T

°•○☆ TERFs/homophobes/p3d0s/transphobes/racists/p0rn or f3t1sh blogs etc just don't bother I am swift with the report and block buttons <3

°•○☆ 4n4/m14/3d/$h blogs you are SAFE here! I ask to not be shown (or asked for) any b0dych3x. No $h pictures either please. But if you need to vent or want to respond to a post where I discuss 3d related topics in my life that is 100% okay. You can reblog my other posts or respond as normal and I am not going to block you just for having a vent blog. I have been there and I luv ya!

°•○☆ Finally, the tags on this post are some you will see throughout the blog. I like to think they are fairly self explanatory but feel free to ask if you are unsure!!