Cancellations! CSI Is Saying Goodbye! CBS Cancels CSI:Cyber Ending The Franchise After 16 Years!
Cancellations! CSI Is Saying Goodbye! CBS Cancels CSI:Cyber Ending The Franchise After 16 Years!
Say goodbye to CSI! The 16 year veteran franchise player is saying goodbye for now. The last installment of the CSI Franchise, CSI:Cyber has been cancelled. (more…)
On February 29, thousands of cybersecurity professionals will flood San Francisco's Moscone Center for the RSA Conference, one of the security industry's largest and most authoritative events. This week, RSA announced its 20 keynote speakers — and i…
My first session with a cyberpsychologist didn't go so well. She asked me to lay back on the couch, relax, and "think of cyber." "You know," she said, "what you do when you're angry." "Well, I don't really cyber when I'm angry-" She cut in, "Do…
CSI‘s fate has finally been set: the show has been canceled, but will go out with a two-hour TV movie. And William Petersen will be back!
“Over the past season, ABC has made incredible strides creating diverse programming with more shows featuring minority leads than any other network on television … We’ve got people of color, we’re got women, we’re got men who are turning…
It’s so frustrating waiting to find out if CSI is going to be renewed or cancelled. This goes for CSI:Cyber as well. CBS please just let us know so we can be happy or to give us time to accept the fact that we will no longer see our characters on screen.
So I just saw a new episode pop up and I wanted to do what amounts to a livetweet of my first viewing of it, but on Tumblr. And all at once.
If this is fun I’ll do it more often, if not I’ll stick to painfully long summaries about how this show is so gloriously, painfully bad.
0:00 I will never get tired of this terrible intro. I should do an entire post on how bad it is.
0:56 Cleavland huh? seems a bit...far?
1:10 This is exactly how I feel when my phone rings. I look at it and I’m like “since when do you recieve Calls? You’re for texting, internet and Bubble Witch 2.”
1:13 That is some fast coffee.
1:18 The price register sound indicates he paid, but...how? Dude couldn’t even look at his phone right, and I’m supposed to believe he reached into his wallet, took out money and gave it to this lady...in 5 seconds? CSI:Cyber, never change...
1:51 The truck hit him full-on even though he’d been standing in the street tripping balls. And now you want me to believe the pill bottle fell out like that? AND that this dude just has a scrape on his head? Just the quality writing I expect from you CSI: cyber.
1:56 The fact that this show has a fucking Holodeck will never cease to amaze me.
2:14 They mention the FDA being involved...but...why is this crime in Cyber? There were no electronics involved. The dude didn’t even have his phone on him anymore.
2:18 Online Canadian Pharmacy. The worst kind.
2:19 The drug is Tamizor, which doesn’t exist. Since this is a world where Facebook is FriendAddress, I assume it’s supposed to be Tramizone, an anti-depressant and anti-insomnia pill. Let’s see how wrong the show gets it!
2:35 Hey they’re going to point out that Cyber shouldn’t be part of this!
2:40 ...fraudulent....ads. There are fraudulent ads on a medical website so now it’s a Cybercrime. Sorry, cant help you with this case, we’re too busy busting THE ENTIRE INTERNET for fraudulent ads.
2:54 “Unauthorized ads” The fuck does this mean? You mean like, ads for drugs that aren’t authorized? Or, and please, let it be this you glorious bastard of a show, that the ads have been hacked into ScrollMD and the site doesn’t even know they’re there. Please.
3:00 A clickbaiting scheme? Well I guess while we’re prosecuting the internet for fraudulent ads, we should also prosecute it for clickbaiting. Agent Avery’s gonna be busy...
3:04 There we go. Tramizor is used to treat...heart disease. Well I guess once you start making random shit up, you might as well go all out, right?
3:20 “little to no pharmacological ingredients” “It was placebo” Sure, CSI Cyber, we’ll go with that.
3:31 Fungus in the brain? And Oxy? I thought you said there were no pharmacological ingredients? That’s literally the opposite of what you JUST said.
3:32 Oxy is a MOOD ENHANCER now too? Also, WHY would anyone sell fake drugs when THEY HAVE FUCKING OXY. SELL THE OXY. You don’t even need a fake website for that shit. Sell the Oxy!
3:43 That sudden, obvious, painful lighting surge. I’m dying.
3:51 “HTML injection” Oooooh boy.
4:04 Two codes written on top of each other. And you know one is bad because it’s red. This show man. This show...
4:05 STOP USING CLICKBAIT LIKE THAT.
4:30 If you’re going to show us how the ads are specifically targeting users who search certaint erms maybe you should TAKE THE AD OF THE SCREEN FOR A SECOND?
4:39 Wait....are you trying to say that the site is redirecting people to the page on heart disease to sell this drug? Oh god, please. Please tell me we’re doing this. Buckle up folks, the ride never fucking stops.
4:49 “wormhole of related symptoms” YOU CLICKED THE LINKS. THIS ISN’T MAGIC. YOU ARE A HACKER. YOU KNOW HOW THE GODDAMN INTERNET WORKS.
4:59 If you type in these vague symptoms, you get the most common disease in America. HOW SINISTER.
5:15 The black guy might have an STI. This is what passes for humor on this show. Well,a side from the humor of a HACKER BEING SURPRISED THAT CLICKING LINKS TOOK HIM TO DIFFERENT PAGES.
5:20 I sure hope those nine other drugs are all related to Heart disease since it would be weird if they were all related to--
5:26 High blood pressure, diabetes (wait what?), and...a cancer drug. So...is the site also routing people to Diabetes, cancer, and high blood pressure? I do hope this is never mentioned again.
5:43 We’re behaviorally analyzing a target already? Did I change the Channel to Criminal Minds from a parallel dimension? must have been sitting on the remote...
6:08 Okay. Penalties for fake drugs are less than Narcotics. But. Oxycontin is a Narcotic. So...uh... WHY IS THERE OXY IN THESE PILLS?
6:17 Some day I would LOVE to hear what CIS Cyber thinks the difference between the Deep Web and the Surface Web are. I get the feeling they think that Deep Web is some sort of exclusive club for hackers and murderers.
6:40 a mysterious guest. Please let it be someone from Avery’s past so that I can watch her try to fake human emotions.
6:51 “The FDA told me you were handling my husband’s case”. I...I....And so you came to Washington? And got access to an FBI building? Also, the FDA told you? WHO? HOW? WHY? WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?
7:01 OH GOD. They’re playing the “I am looking deep into your soul with PSYCHOLOGY” music...
7:21 Insurance changing huh? Could this show be getting...TOPICAL?
7:35 So wait, you went to the site that list symptoms to find information on cheap drugs? This seems like a needlessly meandering route, couldn’t she just have searched the drug’s name and cheap and ended up in the same place? Or would that not by...CYBER enough?
8:14-Uh wait....I thought this place was from Canada. We have Postal codes, not Zip codes. 78217 huh? Let’s see where that is...
San Antonio Texas.
So I guess that rules out cheap Canadian drugs being run across the border...
8:21 Now we’re using IP Addresses? I though we were using Zip codes?
Uh...hang on... The first 3 digits of those IPs are all different... But those are regional codes to determine location...
First your hacker is bamboozled by links, now your IPs are all random number generators?
Never change CSI Cyber...
8:29-Well at least they ARE going to the right city. For the Zip code. That’s...nice? How low are my expectations that I EXPECT the show to just make up random numbers?
...oh right.
8:56 Wait...the IP addresses of...POSTAL SCALES? They’re GOT to be kidding...
9:20 ...they’re not kidding. And they apparently have access to ALL the records and can filter them by typing in “Filter: package_weight_>_82_grams”
10:21 This is a residence? So was this a computer connected to the internet or a postage scale?
10:41 AVERY. YOU ARE NOT SCOUTING YOUR CORNERS. YOU ARE GOING TO GET SHOT. WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LEADING?
11:27 Why are you interviewing the suspect in his home immediately following the raid? This seems like it violates all KINDS of protocol.
11:30 Wait so he’s a cancer patient? I AM NOT DISTRACTED FOR THE OXY BEING IN THESE DRUGS BTW. I STILL WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE SELLING DRUGS LACED WITH OXY.
11:47 Hold up. If Brain-Fungus killed that one dude in a few months, how new is this guy that he’s 100% lucid and feeling fine?
12:08 Ah yes, the Cancer Support Group Chat rooms. Where all the Deep Web Counterfeit drug peddlers seek out their mules.
12:43 “Doctors say I’m a lost cause” Because your cancer came back twice. And yet, you sound REMARKABLY healthy for someone too sick for Doctors to give medication to. And such a full head of hair for someone undergoing treatment.
13:31 SUDDENLY HE’S COUGHING.
13:56 A crash from the next room? IT MUST BE THE BRAIN FUNGUS! What TERRIBLE timing!
14:02 Oh, no, just a garden variety suicide. Guess Oxy isn’t that good a “mood enhancer” huh?
14:20 Uh...Hi theme. What are you doing here? Did you show up to work ten minutes late?
14:58 OH GOD.
GUYS.
THIS IS THE BEST PART OF THIS SHOW.
I CANNOT DESCRIBE TO YOU HOW TERRIBLE IT IS.
I JUST HAVE TO SHOW YOU.
After the theme the screen goes black, And then this types across the screen with 80′s-era typing-beeps.
It’s always a different word, and the word either doesn’t exist or his being hideously misapplied.
THIS SHOW IS FUCKING MAGIC PEOPLE.
15:46 AVERY IS PSYCHOANALYZING THE TARGET AGAIN.
NOW SHE KNOWS HE’S A SOCIOPATH.
BECAUSE REASONS.
For real though guys, Sociopath isn’t a diagnosis anymore, it has been subsumed under the Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Or PDs in general. If Avery was a psychologist, she would know this.
16:30 Journey mode? Ah yes, the function that ALL phones have and is turned on at ALL times. And can be accessed easily through one program in your computer. Because Software Differences? What are THOSE?
16:38 THAT IS GOOGLE MAPS. YOU ARE NOT EVEN TRYING.
18:01 The way this show thinks code works is so blindingly funny. I can’t even pick out a single part of this exchange to highlight. He event ells the guy to have his techs “scrub the servers”, the phrase “PR nightmare” is uttered as well as “You can’t or you won’t? ...I won’t.”
18:54 My but that is a conveniently placed camera. That is apparently clearly visible. What are the odds that the secretive drug lord didn’t do his drops in the OBVIOUS GIGANTIC BLINDSPOT?
19:27 An “IR LED array” that makes a license plate invisible to cameras? But...those don’t actually work.
19:41 A zoom with no enhance? I THOUGHT I WAS WATCHING A CSI!
20:09 A DOT Bluetooth-enabled box that picks up traffic patterns using Bluetooth in cars.
Ah yes, so much easier that the old way...of setting up a survey camera...
and counting.
Especially since every single vehicle has Bluetooth in it, right?
CSI Cyber. The Best Worst show.
20:26 “DOT only keeps the data fro 20 minutes”
WRITERS. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON? WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS? NONE OF THIS MAKES EVEN A MODICUM OF SENSE.
21:02 “My husband is dead because someone was negligent”
NO YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD BECAUSE YOU CLICKED A SKETCHY BANNER AD AND ATE PILLS YOU BOUGHT OFF THE INTERNET. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
21:30 How did you get the VIN? There were like over a hundred of them to try and filter. You just did it by Magic?
22:20 So now the FBI agents are standing outside? And when did it become night?
22:23 YOU DIDN’T CHECK THE BARN FIRST?
OR AT ALL?
IT IS A FUCKING BARN, NOT A SHED IN THE BACK.
A BARN.
IT IS BIGGER THAN THE HOUSE.
WHAT THE FUCK, CSI CYBER?
22:51 They’ve done this a few times now, but every time they apprehend the suspect they ALWAYS know which one is the ringleader and the one they’re looking for without even asking anyone. Like, they have a name and they know which one of the three to five people in a room has THAT name. Without ANY explanation whatsoever.
23:25 Avery again uses her Psychology Powers to read a suspect’s obvious cues and make a guess based on that.
This time? The guy was looking at the pills so he MUST be a chemist, NOT a CYBERCRIMINAL.
Because you have to choose, you can’t multiclass.
24:31 He had the Ex Black Hat (who, remember, is being played by Lil Bow Wow) run a DDOS that’s causing the site to crash?...right then,
26:42 THEY WERE GETTING PAID VIA AN ONLINE POKER SITE.I COULD NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.
THEY WOULD GO INTO THE GAME ONCE A WEEK, PLAY ONE HAND, AND QUIT.BECAUSE THAT’S NOT REMOTELY SUSPICIOUS.AND POKER SITES ARE SO POORLY MONITORED THAT THERE’S NO WAY THE SITE WOULD HAVE NOTICED THIS
.27:06 ONLINE POKER FUNDS ARE HARD TO TRACK?
YEAH, SURE.
Not like those sites have a vested interest in knowing where every penny they get comes from and goes to, right?
27:44 “This could happen to anyone”
MAYBE ANYONE WHO BUYS PILLS FROM THE INTERNET AND THEN TAKES THEM.
SO NOT ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN THE INTERNET FOR MORE THAN THIRTY SECONDS.
27:59 A DOCTOR BOUGHT PILLS OFF THE INTERNET.AND GAVE THEM TO CHILDREN?
CSI CYBER, PLEASE. I can only take so much...
28:35 “Based on our psychological profile can you build a physical description?”Uh...no? No, you really, really can’t...
28:54 AVERY. You just listed an age range from 13-50. I don’t think that’s helpful.
29:00 First, that is the most HAGGARD looking 20-year-old I have ever seen. Second, 20-40 is STILL NOT A HELPFUL AGE RANGE.
29:14 I feel like Avery is missing the point of a physical description here...
29:50 Avery wants $250,000. To play poker. With this guy. who uses poker games as his money laundering/PayPal service.
Can’t wait to see where this goes.
30:42 “his weakness is, he’s cocky.”
Oh wait...It...it all makes so much sense.
CSI Cyber is written by a thirteen year old boy from 2004.
This explains so much...
31:21 This Poker Site Chase....I can’t even tell you how silly it is. Avery is directing this think like the Captain of the Enterprise, they have full Admin privileges, they can see any screen...
31:42 SHOW, stop cutting to random nobodies. WHERE THE FUCK IS RAVEN? I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN’T SEEN HER THIS WHOLE EPISODE.
32:53 This guy is jumping tables, going all in and has multiple Smurf accounts.THERE IS NO WAY THE SITE WOULD NOT HAVE ALREADY CAUGHT HIM FOR THIS SHIT.
33:21 HE IS PLAYING AT SIX TABLES. WHAT THE FUCK.
33:27 Six, eight, sixteen “He’s using an algorithm” Uh...no shit? I’m more wondering how we got six since doubling would have gone 1,2,4,8,16...
33:45 These visualizations are terrible and I love them....
34:02 THERE’S A BANK ACCOUNT LINKED TO EACH ACCOUNT?
AND YOU HAVE TO SHOW UP IN PERSON TO CASH OUT?
NO. NO. THAT IS NOT HOW....INTERNET WORKS.
34:13 The Admin’s can’t access bank accounts? “We should have access to yellows AND red, I specifically asked for it”
Shut up Nelson, you were confused by weblinks.
34:43 “We have to hack it!” “Just DO It”
This show has no idea how hacking works. I love it.
35:17 Uh...show....? Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean his account information is no longer accessible...Like...the account information stays on the server. And you JUST said he’d have to show up in person to get the money so....
Show?
Show are you listening?
35:37 SHOW. HIS ACCOUNT INFORMATION IS STILL ON THE SITE. HE IS NOT “GONE”.
35:38 AND WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE YOU KEEP CUTTING TO? AND WHERE IS RAVEN?
35:55 NO THERE IS A TRACE OF HIM IN THE SYSTEM BECAUSE HE HAS AN ACCOUNT. ON THE WEBSITE. THAT HE IS REGISTERED ON.
36:07 INFECT THE FIREWALL WITH A VIRUS? PUT A BUG IN THE LINE OF COMMUNICATION, FOLLOW IT TO THE RED?
WRITERS.
SHARE YOUR DRUGS.
36:16 As always, hilarious visuals.
36:38 Why is his bank account in Kentucky? He was based in Texas...
36:49 SO WE’RE STILL GOING WITH HIM NEEDING TO CASH OUT IN PERSON?
BECAUSE, CREDIT CARDS AREN’T A THING?
37:14 SO HE KEEPS CLOSING ACCOUNTS?
HOW HAS THIS MAN’S OBVIOUS MONEY LAUNDERING NOT BEEN CAUGHT ALREADY?
38:05 HOW DO THEY KNOW HIS NAME? AGAIN. WHY DO YOU KNOW HIS NAME?
39:22 Avery is holding her wine glass like she thinks it’s going to bite her.
39:31 Oh I get it, it’s because she only drinks soda. Ha...hah.....?
39:41 Scroll MD is going to give an announcement that you shouldn’t EAT PILLS OFF THE INTERNET.
So there you go kids. CSI: Cyber, Launder your money through Poker Sites because they’re untraceable and don’t eat pills from the internet.
