Status Update
Well... as one would have likely been able to guess already by the occasional prompt sent or reblog still happening, I am still alive. I have however since my rant last week not really done anything on here, piling up a whooping 8 replies I owe on Sceada and 5 replies and a prompt on Kamiizumi.
And before I tackle these I feel the need to say a few things. First off naturally thanks to the few of you who saw my rant and offered me support or an open ear. I really appreciate that and I am terribly sorry for not having had the strength to come up to you and make use of your kind offer. If I still may do so I’ll take you up on it soon. I feel I could really need this... Anyways, you fine people and treasured friends know who you are.
And as for the rest I have to say...
Lately, I have been struggling heavily again with my depression and my doubts towards myself, or maybe in other words, my low self-esteem.
My therapist thinks it may have been caused in large part by the change in my medication that we went for in favor of my eyesight, who knows if that’s it. What is true however is certainly that the whole instability and uncertainity in my life currently is weighing heavily on me...
I am feeling displaced everywhere these days. Like I don’t fit in or don’t belong, like I should be someplace else or maybe someone else even.
It’s most definitely the biggest problem I face these days, what with so many of the things I held on to and relied on outright falling apart. Starting Wednesday Afternoon I’ll officially be out of a job, what with my internship ending and me not having found anything new since I started looking in February. It’s not enough that there are already only a handful of jobs available in my field currently, no, the fact that I have been told by the insurrance to lay open my health history has already cost me at least 3 jobs where I was being considered. After all, I have a “mental sickness” and had problems before that rendered me unable to work. I’d only be a risk. An unreliability factor.
Add to that that since last Thursday I am without a raid group and/or perspective in FF XIV. While I am being torn between an FC I don’t feel home with anymore but that could help me and one that could be home but I’m not sure and on top of that, it lacks perspective, I feel left out in pretty much anything. Neither group really includes me or even just notices me. I am but a faceless no one on Cerberus these days, stuck in the terrible limbo of “Being good enough at T13 to kill it but not having had the group for it yet”and “Actually able to farm T13.” - Let’s face it: Raid Groups are often full of elitists and assholes, at least towards “outsiders”. And I understand that. Why’d you wanna help people out with learning the final touches of the most challenging encounter and wipe dozens of times a night when you could just as well farm it with a better group for gear and what not? Nobody fancies continuous wiping to a mechanic they already mastered months ago... So where would there even be room for me, where could I belong?
Speaking of groups, lately most of my roleplaying here on tumblr had come to be centered around the plot of Crystathereum, and even if it was far from unexpected that it woul evenually close down given the last few weeks the closure of the group still left a certain void, which makes me feel without a proper place in this rp community for my two characters. Granted, they have their canon fandoms, despite Sceada being an OC, so I could just stick him there. But correct me if I am wrong - I actually hope I am - it’s just I don’t feel like there is much room in the IX fandom for my little rat. And the BD fandom for Kamiizumi is just slowly waking up again...
Maybe the problem isn’t however the fandoms and groups, but rather me. I’m inconsistent in my activity, so who would wanna engage in bigger plots with me? Things can potentially drag on for mutliple months - curtesy not only of diferent timezones but also my inability to reply swiftly at times. Plus, let’s face it... interesting as the idea behind Sceada may be... Oftentimes it feels like he is not really interesting to play with. His constanty defeatist attitude may have shown some growth, but... most of it was in CT and thus not his canon verse. In that... he’s made only little progress... - And where would there even be room for such a whiny little rat who doesn’t believe in himself...?
You know what I really miss as well...? Skype groups. Not just on here, with the roleplayers, but in general. I used to be in Skype groups, I used to be active, I used to feel connected and like I belong - Now I only feel out of place most of the time. Like a foreign object that’s just waiting to be removed eventually. I hardly know people anymore, and I cannot help but feel that people hardly know I’m around anymore either. I’m invisible, it seems. And also like there is simply no room for me any longer...
But maybe that’s only natural that I feel like I don’t belong anywhere anymore. After all, I’m not even sure anymore where I belong in this family, if I still belong here or not. Or whether I still belong in the field I’m working in. Not just because it is a rapidly dying field, curtesy of the shit market and the multitude of online sellers, but also because I simply cannot picture me myself still selling electronics in ten years. I simply cannot picture myself sustaining a family with such a job. Should I ever have such a family, that is. Can’t be sure I ever will after all...
But where would I wanna go with my life? Am I cut out of the right material to maybe become a teacher? And if so, would I even be able to afford studying towards it? I’m turning 26 in exactly two weeks... If I’d still opt for a studium I’d easily be 32-ish by the time I’m done... - And even if I saw no issue in that, where would I wanna go? What do I wanna study, and where? What do I plan to do with it?
Where... is my place...?
