I fear I am dangerously close to the point where I just can’t anymore. I’m not even sure what I can’t anymore, I just...I can’t... This month has left me so drained and broken, I... I just don’t think I have the strength left I’d so desperately need...
The whole month I’ve been dealing with a depressive downswing, potentially caused by a change in my medication that we did due to the meds giving me problems with my eyesight. Massive problems. I can at times not read things anymore because my eyes simply struggle to capture any text clearly. So we need to change my meds, my doctor agreed, and for the start we reduced them. Well. Since then I have been unable to even contact her, she doesn’t react to mails or calls and I am vulnerable as fuck these days when it comes to negative shit happening.
And this fucked up May had plenty of them to throw at me.
Not only is my therapist quitting her job by the end of next month and we’ve been unable to arrange an appointment with her successor, no, I’m also gonna be out of a job by middle of June due to my internship that was paid for by the IV - a swiss federal insurrance for invalidity and disability that helps with health related work problems - ending and me still not having found anything new. I’ve been looking since early March, and let me tell you, for a job that is a widely taught and practiced, retail has a fucking dead job market. And the few places I got interviews with either cancelled soon after or have not called me back in weeks. Really good for my self esteem which is plain shit anyway already, and more vulnerable these days on top.
Of course, having been sick the entire freaking month isn’t helping either. Granted, I am somewhat used to hayfever by now. I got a quarter century to accustom myself after all. But this year it’s the worst, because it decided to mix with a nasty cold that just keeps coming back. Add to that my crappy circulation and stamina, and you have sweaty mess that is constantly freezing and hot, whose nose drips 24/7 and whose sneezes have reached the level where elefants tip ther hats in respect. Wonderful, no?
And to make matters worse I also keep gaining more and more weigh when it’s been a problem for over a decade already... It’s not like my self esteem already suffers heavily under my weight, no. But I just gotta have a metabolism that even if I don’t eat as much as normal makes me gain more weight when I’m stressed. And since I am constantly stressed... Let’s just say I’m getting dangerously near to a BMI of 38. And I’m almost two freaking meters tall! I’m a veritably fatass...
At least I’m doing okay in my job. I finish all tasks I get quickly, bring ideas into the store and reached the point where they all wish they could keep me aftr the internship. They just can’t. They can’t afford hiring a new worker as the store, no, the entire company is going downhill rapidly. But it’s no wonder we get so few customers these days. After all, even if we by now have more LEGO in our computer store than graphic cards and laptops, people simply don’t come to an electronics store, a computer specialist no less, to buy cheap toys. Or would you guys go and buy a scooter at your local pc expert? Or maybe a LEGO Architecture Set of the Lincoln Memorial?
Needless to say, if we don’t have customers we don’t sell stuff, so we don’t get much new stuff daily, so I essentially have almost nothing to do anymore at the store. And since they are not the one’s paying me my monthly salary I am the cheapest one to send home earlier... Like at 1 instead of 5 so I have to wonder why I even bothered showing up in the first place if I don’t have anything to do really...
But hey, at least I can use that extra time off to clean my room and prepare for when my girlfriend comes to visit me next month. Of course, I only know yet that she’ll come. I don’t know yet about her family, like how long will they be in Switzerland even before they move to Amsterdam to visit relatives and leave me and my girl alone? And will they stay here in rooms I have to clean still or at a hotel instead? Not that it’d really matter at this point though. I am pathetic enough to not even make progress at all in my cleaning up... Instead I just vegetate around and do jack shit.
Cause my favourite past time, roleplaying, has become so dormant lately for my characters that I tend to have more and more trouble to find inspiration to write... It takes me much too long for my own liking to reply to the few interactons I still have. No surprise though, given the failure I am...
I mean, I gotta be a failure. After all, besides the inconsistency in attendance on our Final Coil Raid in XIV I have been the main reason for us failing to bring down the Dreadwyrm.in T13. And even if it’s not my fault, if the other’s don’t blame me for a change, I shall myself without fail. Not that it matters anymore though. Our Raid Group died anyway. Disbanded just yesterday when we lost our Bard and the Dragoon. After the Paladin once more failed to show up on time and the Scholar had to leave already when he did. And that after it had been going in a promising direction again after the last troubled months of raid inconsistency... Looks like monday’s 20% run will remain my best mark for a long time... After all, who’d want this failure of a Black Mage for their group anyway...
Last but not least of my worries is the fact that my family is essentially broke to the point where we needed a credit from my aunt and her husand in order to be able to pay taxes and a fine, but my dad just keeps throwing money out. 400.- for a new garden machine we’ll rarely ever need? Where’s he taking that cash from? Ah, but it doesn’t matter... for when every shit starts breaking like our Washing Machine or grandma’s Dishwasher then they at least still have their idiot son who can pay for it. Problem solved! Of course who could have guessed every second thing we use for living is breaking down these days...
I’m at the point where I have to loudly ask what is going to break next. Is it gonna be our stove or the oven? Or maybe the fridge again? We could also go for my Desktop. He’s been mucking about anyway... Or maybe it’s gonna be one of us instead. Like my sister whose back is still a problem despite her surgeries. Or my mum whose back’s a mess too and actually causing paralysis in her left foot. Maybe it’s my dad instead. He’s got more stress these days that can be healthy, with workin at work and on his time off during the weekends on other stuff he gets paid for as well as dealing with us all and organizing a town festival and juggling his own health troubles.
Personaly I’d bet on me. Even if I cannot afford to for at least another month...
I just need to hold on long enough before I can sink into my love’s arms again and forget about this crappy world for a while...
Days until end of internship: 14 13 Days until my birthday and Heavensward: 21 20 Days until my girlfriend is here: 29 28
Hopefully I can hold on just this much longer before I finally break down...