is that you..?
Hi everyone... i know its been a while since i have written something but tbh, i wasnt sure really what i wanted to write about. i’ve had a few thoughts in my head but then this morning as i was getting ready, multiple thoughts come to my mind every morning, while i’m doing my make-up, made me look at myself for a minute. is that you? is today going to be the day? what stresses do i have in my life? what am i overwhelming myself with? do i look the same? have i been forgetting things lately? have i stumbled more that i usually have? am i able to focus in class? do i feel more angry than normal? have i hurt anyone’s feeling lately? does my mind wonder to places that it has never before? is my work starting to lag? is that you? every day, i have these thoughts, along with many more run through my head. the thing about HD is that, you will never know when it’s going to “hit”. HD is so different for everyone that no one knows. HD is a mystery. yes, we know what gene HD affects and we know that there is no cure and we know that there is only medication to help the symptoms and we know there are studies going on to find a cure and we know that we cannot do anything to avoid HD from hitting. that’s scary though, isnt it? think about it, lets use my mom’s case specifically. my mom had a “boom” that really brought on her HD. my mom was a single mom for years of 3 kids then all of a sudden within 3 years, 2 of your kids decided they wanted to move to their dads. all the stress, anger, sadness, decided to mix together just perfectly then BOOM, HD symptoms. isn’t that scary to think? youre just living your life perfectly “normal” and all of a sudden you can’t work, even though you have a masters degree, you can’t drive even though you have a child at home and have places to be, you can’t take care of yourself like you should. you used to do your make up every day, make sure your hair was done, went to get your finger nails and toes done. now, because of HD, you can’t sit still long enough or you cant work your arms like you used to. isn’t that crazy? isn’t it crazy that so many people like me, 24.. even younger, have to live their life walking on egg shells because we do not know when it’s going to “hit” ? isn’t it crazy that people who know they are positive for HD or are at risk have to worry every if the choices they are making today like going to college? isn’t crazy that people positive with HD or at risk may not even want to be in a relationship? isn’t crazy that people positive with HD or at risk have to make the decision if they want kids, and even from that how they want to “have” kids? isn’t it crazy that there are people like me who didnt know HD ran in their family and now that we know, its our whole lives? isn’t it crazy that there are people that have known HD has been in their family for generation after generation and have to make the decision, if 1, they want to find out and 2, when they want to find out? isn’t it crazy that you have to worry not only for yourself but for your siblings because they havent tested to find out? isn’t crazy that you wish and pray everyday that you are the only one with it so your siblings never have to go through the thoughts you have everyday? isn’t it crazy that you thought since youre the oldest sibling that you are the strongest? isnt’ it crazy that one result can change a persons life forever? i know i have HD, and isn’t sad that i have to worry every single day if my daughter will be positive? isn’t it sad that i’m thinking about more kids in the future and possibly using IVF and having to tell my daughter that her siblings will never be at risk for HD like she is? isn’t it sad that i look at my daughter sometime when she falls or coughs from choking a little when she eats to fast and wondering, is that you ? isn’t it crazy? isnt it sad? i ask myself these questions consistently.. but the question that haunts me minute after minute, 24/7, is that you?