#cuteometer: 5

[eddiebinge]

@eddiebinge reviews: London Boulevard (2010)

Eddie plays: DI Bailey (IMDb link)

In London Boulevard Eddie plays Detective Sergeant Bailey (though he’s credited as Detective Inspector Bailey), a bent copper trying to make a bit of extra money on the sly. 

...

Colin Farrell’s in it.*

* This film was so incredibly awful we don’t want to waste our time or yours with reviewing it. Even Eddie himself confessed (on Twitter) to never getting round to watching London Boulevard and Eddie, if you’re reading this, we suggest you never do.

Favourite moment:

Ray Winston stealing Bailey’s egg butty:

Cuteometer rating: [5]

Bailey isn’t exactly cute but he isn’t exactly creepy either. 

Nice sideburns though.

Bingo score: [4/9]

BEWARE! SPOILERS AHEAD.

☑ Cops & Robbers ☑ He dies ☑ Fisty-cuffs ☑ A nice cuppa

He doesn’t actually drink the tea but, as he asked for it, it counts.

Cause of death: Shot in a stairwell. For no reason whatsoever.

SPOILERS END HERE.

Our rating:  ★

Because it isn’t possible to give this film half a star (because HTML doesn’t allow it), we have to give it the one star it doesn’t deserve. To be fair, there were some pretty people in it (Eddie included) but Colin Farrell, bless him, should never ever ever attempt a London accent again.

Where to watch: There is no place on Earth where you should watch this film. But, if you absolutely insist, here’s the Amazon link. 

[eddiebinge]

@eddiebinge reviews: The Rocket Post (2004)

Eddie plays: Heinz Dombrowsky (IMDb link)

The Rocket Post tells the story of German rocket scientist Gerhard Zucher. Gerhard is commissioned to build rockets that can deliver mail quickly between two remote Scottish Hebridean islands. Set in the 1930s, Gerhard must overcome not only the islander’s prejudice of him but the pressure of returning to a National Socialist Germany. Based on a true story, the film also follows Gerhard’s romantic relationship with an islander, Catherine.

Initially filmed in 2001, The Rocket Post had difficulty finding a distributor. After no cinematic release it became available to buy on DVD in 2006 but didn’t make much of an impact. Unfortunately, it didn’t make much of an impact on us either. Despite boasting gorgeous scenery and offering a horrifying glimpse of early Nazi Germany, the romance just didn’t work for us. The story relied too much on Gerhard and Catherine’s relationship to pull at the audience’s heartstrings when there were much more interesting elements that could be focused on. The couple fall in love far too quickly (apparently all you need to do is wash someone’s back and have a short conversation about reincarnation with them to realise you’re soulmates) and with no real depth to their relationship we were left not really caring about it.

Eddie plays Heinz, Gerhard’s patriotic apprentice. Heinz doesn’t take so easily to Scotland and is therefore perpetually grumpy, often shouting and rambling angrily in German. Hints at an interesting backstory between Heinz and Gerhard were left unresolved and while initially being a good assistant Heinz becomes more of a hindrance as time goes on.

Due to the shallowness of the love story, which gradually took over the more exciting plot of the rocket building and testing, we found The Rocket Post quite a slog to get through. The ending woke us up a little bit, but not quite enough to make up for the issues we had with the rest of the film.

Favourite moment:

Every time Eddie spoke German.

(There were several more occasions) 

Cuteometer rating: [5]

To be honest the main reason we’ve given Heinz a five is because he had the exact expression of this emoji for almost the entire film. 

Bingo score: [1/9]

☑ Salivation

"Tears” was almost checked off but as they didn’t roll down Eddie’s cheek we’re not including it, sorry about that.

Our rating:  ★ ★ 

The Rocket Post had beautiful locations and an unusual idea with potential, but the love story was too rushed to be convincing. For a whirlwind romance to be believable it needs substantial screen time; I mean, it’s not exactly rocket science is it? We’re so sorry but we just had to get that joke in somehow!

Where to watch: Amazon (DVD)

[eddiebinge]

@eddiebinge reviews: Kavanagh QC (1997) TV

Eddie plays: Ian Vincent in S03E05 "The Ties That Bind” (IMDb link)

Kavanagh QC was a popular British courtroom drama that aired in the 90s. In this episode Eddie plays Ian Vincent, a suspect accused of beating a young man to death for stealing a briefcase containing... some sandwiches.

As the case unravels in court with the honourable Kavanagh QC presiding (Inspector Morse) some shocking secrets are uncovered and reveal an even more shocking conclusion!!!!!!*

*NB: it’s not that shocking

Favourite moment:

Eddie in handcuffs 😏 

Cuteometer rating: [5]

He wasn’t particularly cute (although he was very smol) and did kill a man with his bare hands, but he wasn’t very creepy either; in fact he was kind of pathetic - so we scored him a nice level five.

Bingo score: [2/9]

☑ Cops & Robbers ☑ Fisty-cuffs

Our rating:  ★ ★

Where to watch: Amazon (VHS)