#cvreview

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As far comic book films go, there isn't many where you'll get curb stomping violence and the gripping of thong covered mulatto cheeks by caucazoid hands set to a soundtrack that has Depeche Mode in the tracklist.

Nah, usually to achieve that I'd have to read a Crow comic book, throw on a Depeche Mode album and watch Team Skeet after a re-viewing of "American History X" to achieve such gravitas.

That's all in a day's work. James O' Barr was able to achieve that in one script that Rupert Sanders has captured in the gritty dankness of the 2024 iteration of "The Crow".

Yet again FKA Twigs portrays a bedwench, but at least she gets a larger role than her efforts in Shia La Beouf's "Honey Boy".

She's sexy here, but then those teeth? A UK thing at best.

Danny Huston is a familiarly villainous face in cinema and delivers as the sniveling, elitist villain, Roeg.

Watching Skarsgard's Eric get vengeance on him was a joy, and that leaves me with Skarsgard who plays the relatable love-stricken Romeo who would do anything to save his lover.

It all checks out here : girl falls for bad boy, girl has a checkered past, they get killed over it. Boy comes back from the dead and trades his soul to become immortal and resurrect his dead lover after killing their would-be murderers.

Worked for me.

Fairly simple plot with sexy scenes from jump starting with Twigs and Isabella Wei in torso-bearing crop tops to Twigs having a bag put over her head and getting asphyxiated to death, all the way to the end with Twigs being resuciated with her nipples visible under her dress in the river.

So no, the film's sexiness doesn't just serve teenage girls into six pack abs and gang tattoos.

But that's there too, and with the majority of the film being a love story, this is the best romance movie of 2024.

Perfect cannon fodder for those still attending the movie theater for date night. And yes, that still happens, I've seen it - though less of it now as the U.S. economy continues to worsen.

What better film than "The Crow" to mirror what hell the Westernized world has turned the idea of romantic love into?

I like how Skarsgard was able to follow up his performance in "Boy Kills World" by turning up the angst with every painful bullet he took in "The Crow".

Skarsgard could give Hugh Jackman a run for his money with displaying the pain of being immortal, and Jackman has made a silver screen career out of that with silver claws.

Twigs is still sexy, Huston is still devious, and Lionsgate still makes comic book movies better than Disney can. Not every comic book film needs to break the mold, but breaking faces and breaking hearts can go a long way in entertaining cinema.

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C.V.R. The Bard

25th/Aug. 2k24

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"Memoir Of A Snail" is the most disappointing claymation film I've seen - and I grew up watching Gumby re-runs. Thank fuck for Aardman ! Adam Elliot's joint uses claymation as a vehicle to get a chick flick narrative across about a plain jane who goes through a series of unfortunate events after she is orphaned and separated from her brother through the foster system. The old Cuban woman was cool, a foil to keep the main alive as she lives through her odessey and her brother was great too - a rebellious youth looking to escape a foster home that is a front for a sweatshop and an Abrahamic cult. This character, Gilbert Pudel, happened to be homosexual. The main, Grace Pudel, happened to live with foster parents who were nudist colony members. And then there was a homeless man who got disbarred because he was masturbating during a court session. Sexual themes used for shock and humor just didn't feel right wielded in Adam Elliot's hands. But this is what a majority of the film was based on. Without it, "Memoir Of A Snail" would be as boring as Grace laying in bed eating fish sandwiches all day wondering why she was a virgin until late in her autobiography. Some tales just shouldn't be told. Even the snail Sylvia races as fast as she could to get out of earshot as Grace goes over her narrative to her.

The saddest part of the melancholic pity party though is that Sylvia gets off screen before the credits run, while audience stays transfixed by a trainwreck in claymation - which when proposed sounds way better ideally than what "Memoir Of A Snail" actually is.

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C.V.R. The Bard

16th/Nov.2k24

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Ash Avildsen's "Queen of The Ring" is a highly embellished re-telling of the life of Mildred Burke, also known as the first female Million Dollar champ. Avildsen focuses too much on priding single motherhood as well as gender and racial politics when the focus for this picture would have been more enjoyable if it would have been all about women's wrestling like 2019's "Fighting With My Family". The film deviates not only in topics but also introduces a myriad of wrestling legends. Some who have gotten their flowers (Mae Young, Gorgeous George, Fabolous Moolah portrayed by a scene stealing Mickie James) and some who haven't (such as Babs Wingo, Marva Scott, and Trinity Fatu gifting audiences a cameo as Ethel Johnson). Also modern wrestlers (Toni Storm as Clara Mortensen, Kamille as June Byers) make noteworthy appearances. There's nods to NWA as a flagship promotion, the McMahon family, Brutus Beefcake and a slew of jargon is dropped to get casual onlookers familiar with pro-wrestling culture but the melodrama diluted the film. It's too late to put out a cautionary film about the trainer/trainee relationships that often bloom into tragic romance all throughout the history of pro-wrestling. Even wrestlers as young as Mia Friday are finding romance in between the ropes. And as an FBA viewer I could only see Babs Wingo's side story as pure pandering. She dropped her opportunity for a title and passed up on higher earnings with another promotion just to stay loyal to an anglo woman who already had her time in the sun. That and that little sneak in of a Jackie Robinson nod just felt weird. Especially given the way that Robinson was instrumental in ruining the revenue the Negro Leagues was earning as a "black business", before that term was even politicized. The semi-incest/ stepmother storyline was also strange but not surprising in the business of pro-wrestling. The constant "single mother" line being thrown in the audiences face did not work to make Mildred look sympathetic, but it made her look silly and deserved of the bumps that she sustains throughout the film for being stupid enough to mix business with pleasure and think that every man is just going to be happy to play stepdaddy. I've seen better re-enactments of wrestling matches in "The Iron Claw", but I did like that the audio from the original matches were interwoven into the film. I like that Avildsen attempted to make a film about women's pro-wrestling but I dislike the fantastical factors in the film. It was easy to see that alot of the history in this film was heavily revised. Knowing about Sweet Georgia Brown's legacy, I just couldn't stomach the embellishment of the story of Babs Wingo, Marva Scott, and Ethel Johnson. Damaris Lewis basically made Babs coon from the grave. It would have been great if she never took that role. It would have been great if Avildsen didn't frame this film to champion single motherhood and marriage only to be used as a business agreement; essentially using this period piece to cop a squat all over the Western family structure.

"Iron Claw" and "Fighting With My Family" in contrast were just more wholesome while "Queen Of The Ring" is a one-sided handicap match for every self-respecting man that ever celebrated the beauty in the art of women's pro-wrestling.

C.V.R. The Bard 16th/Mar.2k25

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Paul W.S. Anderson is back at it again with his muse-turned-wife Milla Jovovich in "…The Lost Lands". Essentially audiences get a high adventure with a condensed runtime which I for one am grateful for. The film stars Jovovich as an agent of change dubbed as a witch by the papacy that takes up the role of the main antagonist. Both Arly Jover and Fraser James slide into this role with ease and provide the most soul and laughter, despite delivering their lines with deadpan and menace. The secondary antagonist of the film falls to the role of the Overlord hierarchy. Here audiences get Amara Okereke as a bedwench Queen who will stop at nothing to take the seat of power from the bedridden lech Overlord Jacek Dzisiewicz, but her biggest downfall comes to reside in the suitors she juggles - such as the leader of her guard in Simon Loof and the father to her developing child, Boyce - who (portrayed by Dave Bautista) is Jovovich's foil, another outlaw with a plot shaking secret. The cinematography teases Zack Snyder's "Sucker Punch" - gloomy and dismal while still containing airs of cyberpunk. Milena Jaroszek's costume work especially shines on Okereke - her sheer see-through dress making her look every bit the femme fatale during the asphyxiation scene where her political dreams are realized. Otherwise she looks every bit the regal madonna that she was intended to portray. The sound department in this film demands well deserved attention. Crisp pulsation audio whenever Jovovich's Gray Alys (Jovovich just loves taking that name see : 'Resident Evil") uses her powers of persuasion. Haslinger's electronic soundtrack isn't too bad either, especially towards the closing of the film.

I dont believe "In The Lost Lands" will be as memorable as "Monster Hunter" or the "RE" franchise but it's what any new renditions of high adventure films should aim for : concise , sexy, and uncomplicated.

C.V.R. The Bard 16th/Mar.2k25

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Yet another film about the disgusting vanity driven white supremacist culture from my city of origin, "Magazine Dreams" plays out as if "The Waterboy" and "Taxi Driver" had a premature baby. Elijah Bynum's picture is plainly disturbing. The film ultimately carries with it a nauseating atmosphere that is punctuated with many moments that both will indulge audience members to be on the edge of their seats or to barely keep their eyes open to the screen in horror. Bynum noticeably pays homage to Tarantino, lifting a line off "From Dusk Til Dawn", twists the diner scene from "Falling Down" and even takes liberties with another Sandler classic in "Punch Drunk Love" while curating the tale of Killian Maddox - your average L.A. outcast due to the slanted demographics who will do anything to see his name in lights, due to the vanity driven culture of the metropolis - so he picks up bodybuilding. Throughout the film audiences get a glimpse of what makes Maddox such a peculiar character - an only child who witnessed the murder/suicide of his parents (though through the late flashbacks in the film, that event becomes questionable) this dude is a bag boy at a Super A Foods (a familiar grocery chain for Angelenos) who spends his time taking care of his "I only voted for the Dems because I need Medicaid" grandfather and abusing search engines to figure out "how to get people to like him". Repulsive. Rest assured Bynum's film is a journey of self-acceptance, but on that bumpy road audiences get treated to Major's Maddox getting jumped (not once but twice) only in a way L.A. can; Maddox picking up the low hanging fruit by attempting to go on a date with his place of employment's local dumpy mudshark (portrayed by Haley Bennett), Maddox teasing mass shootings at the club (that after having experienced so many of these before 21 in L.A. - I cant stand the club), picking up a hooker (portrayed by the gorgeous Taylour Paige) who he cant get it up for because of steroid abuse or maybe because as the film progresses he ends up having a "Six Degrees Of Separation" moment with his idol "Brad" (Ken Donaghue) who is the Eminem to Maddox's Stan. I came into this film expecting it to be masculine, instead this was yet another film about a Black U.S. male who is reduced to infancy and emasculated in degrees of homoeroticism despite his otherwise chosen "macho" profession. I can see why this film wrapped in 2023 but wasn't released until now, a film this disturbing would certainly have been damaging for Major's legal troubles over the past couple of years. If that legal trouble would not have been though, "Magazine Dreams" would have further cemented Majors as a household name if kept to it's original target release date. It's buck-breaking from the slave auction mirror of the body building pageants Maddox attends - always under duress, ill, and even at one point in the film bloodied and bruised - all the way to the end where Maddox ends up bawling after spending the majority of Bynum's picture throwing violent tantrums and brandishing artillery at those who thought they could pull one over on him. I hated the buck-breaking. I hated the relatability as an Angeleno growing up in a non-chocolate city bred to levels of self-hatred that only FBA's from outside of inner-city L.A. understand. I hated that Maddox didn't travel and broaden his perspective so he wouldn't manifest the incel horror story so many Western women love to hide their own shortcomings behind. Despite my disgust of Bynum's picture a film such as "Magazine Dreams" is needed in modern society. The ostracization of the Westernized Black Male in a European Country who grows up idolizing the Eurocentric model of beauty. "Magazine Dreams" is exactly what that picture looks like. Another California Nightmare that would be a perfect companion piece in a double feature showing with "The Substance"; tack on "Skincare" to round out a triple feature of just how ugly the vanity industry of the West Coast can get when pushed to the extreme.

Western Women point to "Travis Bickle" being a red flag favorite movie character for men; well, Major's Maddox is the palette swap that has a beer for DeNiro's Bickle to hold while he's holding a dollar bill for his new friend at the bar to bang a line through.

C.V.R. The Bard 20th/Mar.2k25

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While the streets of L.A. are buzzing about the takedown of Big U and the notorious Rollin' 60's Crip gang, Barry Levinson's "The Alto Knights" hits the box office to double down on the facts of U.S. organized crime and how snitches and rats are apart of the dirty game. Mafioso legend Robert DeNiro stars in the opposing roles as both Frank and Vino - childhood friends who take differing paths to gain influence in Manhattan's underbelly. The former an illegal gambler who launders his winnings amongst politicians and the latter a hothead who is involved in nearly every murder within the film because of his ignorant passion. I believe I was listening to "The STAR Report" when the question was posed as to why DeNiro does not get reprimanded by the Italian community by consistently portraying stereotypical Italian mafioso's in U.S. cinema. It can be chalked up to the fact that film's like "Alto Knights" are period pieces - reflective historical accounts. By that merit, I dont mind seeing DeNiro in this as he admits towards the end of the film that immigrant classes (such as the Italians) got rich off crime in the states and that the U.S. essentially was built off the backs of exploiting it's indigenous people to allow crime to run rampant by primarily European immigrants that paid bribes to law enforcement and politicans to look the other way and keep the cogs of criminality turning. It's as sobering as watching the many sit-downs between Vino and Frank as Vino constantly reminds Frank that he's still a criminal, no matter how much he dresses it up. Given my personal demographic as a Black U.S. citizen who gets criminalized often just for being apart of the class of the working homeless, I enjoyed watching the gangsters get taken down in this film as much as I enjoy criminal enterprises get taken down in 2025. I have always lived by the axom ascribed by 50 Cent - "If I can't get no money witcha, then fuck ya". As I transition into my 30's, throughout my 29 years in the physical, no one ever put me into any route to fast money through criminality and I am international now. I come from a metropolis. So I have no pity when I see sting operations go down or criminals in cuffs. Having drug addicts essentially as my neighbors on the streets nationwide for the past four years has also given me a particular disdain towards drug peddlers. So I dont look at bootleg liquor runs during the U.S. Prohibition-era as something to be celebrated. If I would have saw "Alto Knights" as a kid, I would have most likely taken this film as a glorification picture of the mafioso lifestyle. As an adult, who has now lived around Italians in the East Coast, I took in "Alto Knights" as a story that shows just how ugly U.S. history is. The only time I applauded throughout the film was when Frank walked out of the court proceedings using an agency of natural law. That moment, was something that reminded me that there are loopholes in the U.S. and it's crooked system that values criminality over most other tenets. Other than that, a film like this made me disgusted that as a child I ever aspired to get into a gang lifestyle. From DeNiro to Fraiser, everyone in this film looked incredibly sloppy. When it was revealed that Vino dies of congestive heart failure, I laughed aloud. Platters of excessive flesh were served throughout the film, penthouse suites depicted, one mob boss even brags about his "16 sq. ft. living room" … minks on dogs, U.S. decadence all built off the backs U.S. criminality, it just did not sit right with me. The last film I saw DeNiro in he was playing grandfather to some kid with special needs. Frasier ? "The Whale". "Alto Knights" just feels like a regression of sorts for every notable actor that starred in this film.

Even Ford Coppola got the picture last year and did "Metropolis". "Alto Knights" in the DJ Vlad / U.S. immigrant crisis era is honestly a film released in bad taste, piling on further evidence as to why this European country is not as great as advertised.

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C.V.R. The Bard 20th/Mar.2k25

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Following upon the heels of "Love Hurts", Jacobson's "Novocane" caps off the winter box office with yet another story of simping gone wrong. Once again, the film stars an everyman who goes to extraordinary lengths to rescue a female who made her bed in a life of criminality. Along with "Love Hurts", Jacobson's film paints the picture that all females from the Western hemisphere are natural born criminals looking for a sucker to risk life and limb to clean up their mess and I cant really find fault in this depiction. When observed from this context, "Novocane" operates as a cautionary tale with Jacob Batalon guest starring in his typecast role as the comedy relief / "man in the chair". The jokes hit when a seasoned vet like Batalon is delivering, when off screen, the other actors make notable attempts the audience was noticeably dead. The bank robbery scene had shades of "Dog Day Afternoon" while torture scenes saw directors Berk and Olson borrowing from "Resevior Dogs", pro-wrestling, and "John Wick", and the Judeo-Christian concept of the "Man Of Sin" - excellent pastiches to paste into this painting. Amber Midhunder isn't exactly any female to crash out over, neither is Jack Quaid off the A-list Eurocentric movie model crop. In any other film these guys would be supporting actors at best. Kress and Bouman made a game decision by keeping things fresh with some familiar faces and letting the spotlight shine on them more than in the box office smashes that they found themselves starring in - just not on the marquee. Jacobson also made a wise move by allowing a sprinkle of social commentary into the film by adding into the script his thoughts on how self-deputized citizens / vigilantes face criminal charges and how anglo U.S. citizens/sympathizers get lighter charges for the same crime as Afrocentric U.S. citizens. Once more Bouman and Kress deserve more credit for their choice in the cast for this film - Choiema Umeala's role provided on-screen proof that the most attractive females at a bar tend to be behind the counter and Betty Gabriel channeled Pam Grier so well as Detective Mincy, that at moments I could've swore I was watching a blaxploitation buddy-cop film. Still, I did not pay to watch "Novocaine". I actually stumbled into the film five minutes out from the starting credits by mistake. I had no desire to see another Western chivalry film after "Love Hurts", as I find the concept misplaced as I believe Western males should save their mating choices for women overseas, based off my personal experience. Irregardless, "Novocaine" held enough of my attention to be entertaining but I would not pine to see it. With Rami Malek starring in "The Amateur" coming soon to theaters, I think the Western chivalrous genre has died out as much as the idea of Western romance has. Unless you live under a rock, moviegoers already know that the Western woman is a selfish entity - villainous to say the least, a businesswoman at best. The theater business in the West was warped to be pushed towards couples and families - those target demographics that will spend the most in an outing to keep up with Western societal norms of gluttony and pride. Films like "Novocaine" contain anti-family/anti-procreation morals rooted in reality but are remedial viewing for the art critic. This is why this film and the one's of it's ilk after "Love Hurts" will not earn a recommendation from me nor a purchase at the box office. I'm a U.S. born, Westernized male - I paid for "Queen of the Ring". I'm more entertained by women slugging it out with each other than getting saved when they dont deserve to be.

At least Jacobson got the ending right on this one. The majority of Western women deserve a starring role in Roger Corman's "Women In Cages". Shit, I've paid for that.

C.V.R. The Bard 16th/Mar.2k25

[analogousanalogannals]

Ghostface Killah - Set The Tone (Guns & Roses)

View credits, reviews, tracks and shop for the 2024 Vinyl release of "Set The Tone (Guns & Roses)" on Discogs.

I had no idea that this was a double album before actually checking out the artwork. "No Face" had me investigating. The Rae feature on "Skate Oddessy" was a callback to all the overseas collaborations the duo accomplished while "Pair of Hammers" is like if GFK was a lost feature on "The What". The rest of the LP (the Roses side) finds Ghost deeply in his Ghostdeni character. Too soft for me, but without that side of Ghost there'd be no Ghost, but from here on out the "Guns" side is getting replayed 'til it gets tired; and last I checked Wu-Tang is Forever. Fat Joe on the end, Jim Jones and Sheek Louch at the top ending the Dips/D-Block "beef" - strong start, strong finish. Oh and my response to that first skit : Best cereals ? 1.Reese's Puffs 2.Cookie Crisp 3.Cap'n Crunch 4.Honey Grahams 5.Cinnamon Toast Crunch - C.V.R. The Bard 2nd/Mar.2k25