Jiwon goes with Hanbin to his therapy sessions. It’s a big breakthrough to have a mediator there, providing education and dispelling all the myths and pointing out all those negatively reinforcing behaviours that people tend to do when they’re mad and frustrated. Hanbin chews his nails aggressively in the first session, convinced that Jiwon has another front row seat to his “Psycho Show” and will judge him relentlessly but because Jiwon’s no ordinary boy-off-the-streets, it does the opposite and there’s a real understanding from Jiwon, who slowly begins to realise that he has a few issues of his own too. Things don’t miraculously improve overnight, because Jiwon still has days where he has no idea how to process all this while having his ass kicked by his record company....but the therapist gently asks him if he wants to come back on his own some time.
And he says yes.
Hanbin may have said, ‘What The Fuck?” out loud at that point.
So they do sessions now. Together. Separately. It’s helpful. It helps.
Jiwon’s body and mind slowly but surely adjusts to the demands of his new career. He and Hanbin make time for each other, even if it’s just eating breakfast at the sink or having dinner together 3 out of 7 nights. They force themselves to do it because if you let your work run your life then you aren’t really living after awhile, you’re just going the motions. He hates it when they miss out on all the small things that makes life worthwhile, like having all the time in the world to sleep in, watching bad movies, eating take-out (vaguely off limits now that Jiwon is preparing for a debut soon).
Things are okay-ish.
The funny thing is, whenever a few areas of his life is going well, another will inevitably implode. This time, it’s his own writing career. He becomes despondent, watching newer employees get better and more high profile assignments and top page billings and by-lines. Donghyuk encourages him to hang in there as best as he can but it’s not really a problem Donghyuk has had for a long time, being the magazines star-writer and the editor’s favourite.
Hanbin tries to write better, write stronger, write harder but all it does is churn out depersonalised pieces that not even he really cares about.
It’s Jiwon, because of course it would be, who ends up being the catalyst.
“If you don’t love it, why don’t you try something else?”
1 month turns into 2 months and by the third, the question is still cycling around Hanbin’s mind. And for someone who tries to plan everything within an inch of it’s life, he does something completely unplanned: he goes to work on a Thursday morning, walks past his office, knocks on the Editor’s door and gives his 2 week’s notice.
After spending 30 minutes apologising to Donghyuk and promising to stay in contact he leaves the Daily Grind behind. In all sense of the word.
Then he has a panic attack in the car park.
“Could’ve warned me about this in the morning babe.” Jiwon teases gently when he comes to pick Hanbin up and drive his car home.
“I didn’t know I was going to do it today!” Hanbin grumbles in his seat.
“So. How does it feel?”
“How do you think?! I didn’t even make a back up plan. What the hell was I thinking. You should always have a back up plan. What the hell am I going to do now? How are we going to pay the rent and-”
“Woah woah woah.....come on, you’ll be ok. We’ve got savings and I’m still working. It’s gonna be okay.”
“I can’t expect you to-”
“To what? Support you? Like you did for me before I got signed?”
“That’s different.”
“It’s not and you know it.”
Hanbin just humms in response.
“Tell me how you really feel. Honestly.”
“Well.....” Hanbin sighs, pauses, looks out the window at the city whizzing by and basks in the knowledge that tomorrow is really a brand new day. He doesn’t have to wake up and go to the same place, only to sit down and force his brain to type words he doesn’t care about. Rinse repeat rinse repeat.
A smile creeps on his face after awhile. Jiwon makes an amused sound but doesn’t say anything.
“I guess, I’m kinda....relieved?”
“That all?”
“And better?”
“Anything else?”
“A little bit excited?” Hanbin grimaces then. “God no, that’s just lame.”
Jiwon reaches over to mess with Hanbin’s dark hair. “Nah, it’s not. It’s good babe. It’s real good. I’m proud of you for doing this. As I said, when we have kids, they’re gonna have balls of steel genetically and that’s gonna come from you.”
Hanbin rolls his eyes in mock disgust. “What if we have girls?”
“Even better, haha.”
For the first few days of his unemployment, the apartment is just so quiet when everyone in the block is either at school, tai chi for the Eldery or at work. Except Hanbin. Hanbin is on the couch, holding the phone in his hand, his mum’s number staring back at him. He’d cleaned the apartment three times. Folding and ironing all his clothes then all of Jiwon’s. Making enough meals to last the entire week in one day.
There’s just the small-big task of telling his parents that he quit his job.
And his parents? Well, they don’t take it how he expects them to but at the same time, it’s oddly typical. He chickens out of calling them and drives there instead.
His dad scolds him for not having a back up plan and rambles on and on in a long-winded version of “I told you so”. But to everyone’s complete surprise, his dad doesn’t try to get him back into the business company again, he offers of course but Hanbin can’t do a job like that, it’d kill him and they all know it.
When he leaves, it’s not on an entirely bad note. His mother is concerned. His dad is full of suggestions and demands Hanbin updates his resume and reads the list of options he provides. It’s kind of heartwarming, even if he knows that his Pre-Stroke dad would never be like this.
And Hanbyul? Well, she has self interest in his unemployment.
“Can we go get bubble tea and cake after ballet then?! And you can pick me up from school! But in Jiwon’s car!”
“Gotta check my schedule.....Oh that’s right! I’m free indefinitely!”
“YAY!”
And funnily enough, his days get filled up pretty easily. Playdates with his sister, lunch dates with Yun, hanging around June at the tattoo shop, not being mentally exhausted when Jiwon gets home, being able to have dinner and get up early to kiss Jiwon goodbye in the mornings without the time pressure.
BeatBox is really beating Jiwon’s ass to the ground. He’s not on a light stroll into his music career, instead he finds himself sucked into a dizzying whirlpool of meeting schedules, training contracts, fitness appointments and recording the same lines until management arbitrarily deems them good enough. It’s hard but he’s no quitter, no complainer, no ungrateful diva, even when he’s exhausted and spread so thin, he ends up falling asleep in meetings.
He’s no complainer until one day, 2 months in, they push for a fall album release and then it’s double the meetings, double the training, triple the recording and all that leaves minus zero time for sleep, him mental health and spending any meaningful time with Hanbin. He complains then. He rants and fumes and internalises his frustrations until it explodes spectacularly onto inanimate objects.
Hanbin steps in when he finds Jiwon swearing at their coffee machine on more days then not. Jiwon snaps at him then regrets it immediately but is too tired to apologise. They argue and argue, over the most inconsequential of things (the brand of laundry detergent, how thick their toast slices are, how sweet the honey is) and Hanbin takes it on the chin because he knows this is HARD and Jiwon needs his understanding and support more than ever.
But he’s still human. And a human with anxiety problems that waxes and wanes. When Jiwon has to fly away for a company music festival, he felt fine, maybe even a little relieved somehow. The time apart might be good for them after weeks of being at each other’s throats in the confined space of their apartment. It was fine. Until photos emerge on the internet of Jiwon interacting with the female BeatBox trainee that Hanbin has been hearing about. He wasn’t worried until he sees what she looks like (hint: she’s gorgeous and nothing like Hanbin in any way). It should mean nothing but he’s still got trust issues and those things don’t just change overnight. His anxiety gets worse and worse and until one day, Yun comes to visit and realises: Hanbin’s relapsed.
The psychotherapy was a secret at first. Hanbin doesn’t feel the need to disclose that to anyone else yet. Yun keeps his secret and supports him unconditionally. Jiwon returns, happier and lighter and whatever tense frustrations he had before the festival had now seemed to disappear. Jiwon asks of course, he’s always been quietly perceptive, and after days of evading the question and lying, Hanbin gives in and tells him the truth. It’s deja vu. To that first argument they had over Jiwon’s girlfriend rumours. History repeats itself. The argument plays out exactly like it did the first time round until Hanbin pulls at his hair and yells at Jiwon to stop talking.
“I’m going to therapy for this, okay! I am TRYING!” Hanbin shouts defensively. “You knew I was like this so why are you even surprised?! How did you think I’d react to the photos?”
And because Jiwon takes two steps forward and one step back, the wrong thing comes out of his mouth again. “Like an adult in an adult relationship?! I don’t cheat! Just admit that you still don’t trust me!”
“I don’t trust you!” Hanbin snaps back. “And thanks for just ignoring the fact that I had to go back into therapy over this!”
Jiwon just stares at him for what seems like a whole minute before shaking his head in resignation. “Maybe this isn’t working.”
Well. Because history repeats itself again and again, they go on another break. They don’t exactly break up because neither even had the energy to say those words out loud. Jiwon spends more time at the studio and sometimes sleeps there. Hanbin goes home to his parents under the guise of being a good son who just wanted to reconnect with his family. His mother suspects something, of course, but she doesn’t bring it up.
Therapy is hard. Hanbin thinks about quitting and cancelling every single appointment. He tells his therapist that, which is met with a warm knowing chuckle and a change in tactics. It continues to be hard, he feels he isn’t getting anywhere until his therapist hits a nerve so exposed and raw, that Hanbin breaks down in the room.
“Where do you see yourself one year from now?”
“Nowhere.”
“Nowhere? Okay. Well, tell me more about what this ‘Nowhere’ looks like.”
The tears surprise him. He’s not much of a crier but he does manage a hiccup and pause, if only to mutter, “Goddamn apple orchard.”
Because even when he hates Jiwon, he still loves him.
Hanbin drives to the BeatBox studios after that, sitting in his car to call Jiwon on his phone.
“You and your goddamn apples!”
“Hanbin? What the hell....”
“We need to talk. I’m in the car park.”
“What? Where?”
“The car park. Can you come down?”
“Hanbin, I’m literally looking at our car park and there’s only my car and Mr. Lee’s bike there.”
“You’re at home?”
“Yeah.....where are you?”
“At BeatBox.”
They’re a mess, both eagerly wanting to drive to the other’s location before Hanbin has to shout over it all again, “God! Stop! This is ridiculous. Let’s just meet at the cafe okay? It’s half way. If you’re ready to move on from this then come. If you’re not, well, I’ll order a coffee and tell my therapist that I tried.”
Hanbin gets there first. He waits anxiously.
And Jiwon. He does come.
This isn’t a romance novel. Their talk isn’t cute or full of mushy sentiments that dissolve into soft apologies and promises to be forgotten tomorrow. No, it’s raw, honest, realistic to the point where Hanbin is wondering, for the 100th time, why Jiwon is still even wanting to be a part of this whole Us thing.
“I’m....sorry I over-reacted to the photos.” Hanbin starts shakily but forces himself to look Jiwon in the eye. “I guess I still just....worry that you’re going to wake up one day and realise-”
“-that I’m straight?”
“I never said my thoughts were rational.” Hanbin says quietly and maybe a little defensively. “You always ask for honesty and my therapist threatened to increase our sessions if I didn’t man up and tell you all this.”
“So you’re doing this because your therapist told you to?”
“I’m doing it because my therapist is right. Even when I’m mad at you, I still want to be with you. Not always physically or in the same apartment but the dreams we talked about, I still want it but we really really need to communicate better.”
Their cups of tea go cold as Jiwon lets the words sink in.
“Did it ever occur to you that I worry about the same thing? I’m sorry for taking out my stress on you.”
“Technically you took it out on the coffee machine. And toaster.”
“I know.” Jiwon smiles apologetically. “I’m still sorry. I think....we just need time to adjust to all this. Too much shit has happened too fast. Give me time to process all this. I’m trying too, okay? You know how hard it is to read books about this? I’m still scarred from Life of Pi.”
“You read books on how to deal with me?”
“I read books to understand you and us.”
Hanbin tears up for the second time that day. “Why would you even do that?”
Jiwon rolls his eyes but smiles softly across the table. “Maybe you should get it in that thick pretty head of yours that maybe, just maybe, this guy wants to be with you for the long haul? Ever think of that?”
“No.” Hanbin says, just to be contrary and okay, because Jiwon is so cute when he’s pretending to be annoyed.
“Oh my god.”
It makes him laugh, how Jiwon can reach out to grab all their problems and squash them into the palm of his hand. Just like that, a million big problems reduced to a small one. Sometimes life is hard but sometimes it is that easy too.
