WHAT HAPPENS NEXT: CWAC PHASE II: 01
BeatBox is really beating Jiwon’s ass to the ground. He’s not on a light stroll into his music career, instead he finds himself sucked into a dizzying whirlpool of meeting schedules, training contracts, fitness appointments and recording the same lines until management arbitrarily deems them good enough. It’s hard but he’s no quitter, no complainer, no ungrateful diva, even when he’s exhausted and spread so thin, he ends up falling asleep in meetings.
He’s no complainer until one day, 2 months in, they push for a fall album release and then it’s double the meetings, double the training, triple the recording and all that leaves minus zero time for sleep, him mental health and spending any meaningful time with Hanbin. He complains then. He rants and fumes and internalises his frustrations until it explodes spectacularly onto inanimate objects.
Hanbin steps in when he finds Jiwon swearing at their coffee machine on more days then not. Jiwon snaps at him then regrets it immediately but is too tired to apologise. They argue and argue, over the most inconsequential of things (the brand of laundry detergent, how thick their toast slices are, how sweet the honey is) and Hanbin takes it on the chin because he knows this is HARD and Jiwon needs his understanding and support more than ever.
But he’s still human. And a human with anxiety problems that waxes and wanes. When Jiwon has to fly away for a company music festival, he felt fine, maybe even a little relieved somehow. The time apart might be good for them after weeks of being at each other’s throats in the confined space of their apartment. It was fine. Until photos emerge on the internet of Jiwon interacting with the female BeatBox trainee that Hanbin has been hearing about. He wasn’t worried until he sees what she looks like (hint: she’s gorgeous and nothing like Hanbin in any way). It should mean nothing but he’s still got trust issues and those things don’t just change overnight. His anxiety gets worse and worse and until one day, Yun comes to visit and realises: Hanbin’s relapsed.
The psychotherapy was a secret at first. Hanbin doesn’t feel the need to disclose that to anyone else yet. Yun keeps his secret and supports him unconditionally. Jiwon returns, happier and lighter and whatever tense frustrations he had before the festival had now seemed to disappear. Jiwon asks of course, he’s always been quietly perceptive, and after days of evading the question and lying, Hanbin gives in and tells him the truth. It’s deja vu. To that first argument they had over Jiwon’s girlfriend rumours. History repeats itself. The argument plays out exactly like it did the first time round until Hanbin pulls at his hair and yells at Jiwon to stop talking.
“I’m going to therapy for this, okay! I am TRYING!” Hanbin shouts defensively. “You knew I was like this so why are you even surprised?! How did you think I’d react to the photos?”
And because Jiwon takes two steps forward and one step back, the wrong thing comes out of his mouth again. “Like an adult in an adult relationship?! I don’t cheat! Just admit that you still don’t trust me!”
“I don’t trust you!” Hanbin snaps back. “And thanks for just ignoring the fact that I had to go back into therapy over this!”
Jiwon just stares at him for what seems like a whole minute before shaking his head in resignation. “Maybe this isn’t working.”
Well. Because history repeats itself again and again, they go on another break. They don’t exactly break up because neither even had the energy to say those words out loud. Jiwon spends more time at the studio and sometimes sleeps there. Hanbin goes home to his parents under the guise of being a good son who just wanted to reconnect with his family. His mother suspects something, of course, but she doesn’t bring it up.
Therapy is hard. Hanbin thinks about quitting and cancelling every single appointment. He tells his therapist that, which is met with a warm knowing chuckle and a change in tactics. It continues to be hard, he feels he isn’t getting anywhere until his therapist hits a nerve so exposed and raw, that Hanbin breaks down in the room.
“Where do you see yourself one year from now?”
“Nowhere.”
“Nowhere? Okay. Well, tell me more about what this ‘Nowhere’ looks like.”
The tears surprise him. He’s not much of a crier but he does manage a hiccup and pause, if only to mutter, “Goddamn apple orchard.”
Because even when he hates Jiwon, he still loves him.
Hanbin drives to the BeatBox studios after that, sitting in his car to call Jiwon on his phone.
“You and your goddamn apples!”
“Hanbin? What the hell....”
“We need to talk. I’m in the car park.”
“What? Where?”
“The car park. Can you come down?”
“Hanbin, I’m literally looking at our car park and there’s only my car and Mr. Lee’s bike there.”
“You’re at home?”
“Yeah.....where are you?”
“At BeatBox.”
They’re a mess, both eagerly wanting to drive to the other’s location before Hanbin has to shout over it all again, “God! Stop! This is ridiculous. Let’s just meet at the cafe okay? It’s half way. If you’re ready to move on from this then come. If you’re not, well, I’ll order a coffee and tell my therapist that I tried.”
Hanbin gets there first. He waits anxiously.
And Jiwon. He does come.
This isn’t a romance novel. Their talk isn’t cute or full of mushy sentiments that dissolve into soft apologies and promises to be forgotten tomorrow. No, it’s raw, honest, realistic to the point where Hanbin is wondering, for the 100th time, why Jiwon is still even wanting to be a part of this whole Us thing.
“I’m....sorry I over-reacted to the photos.” Hanbin starts shakily but forces himself to look Jiwon in the eye. “I guess I still just....worry that you’re going to wake up one day and realise-”
“-that I’m straight?”
“I never said my thoughts were rational.” Hanbin says quietly and maybe a little defensively. “You always ask for honesty and my therapist threatened to increase our sessions if I didn’t man up and tell you all this.”
“So you’re doing this because your therapist told you to?”
“I’m doing it because my therapist is right. Even when I’m mad at you, I still want to be with you. Not always physically or in the same apartment but the dreams we talked about, I still want it but we really really need to communicate better.”
Their cups of tea go cold as Jiwon lets the words sink in.
“Did it ever occur to you that I worry about the same thing? I’m sorry for taking out my stress on you.”
“Technically you took it out on the coffee machine. And toaster.”
“I know.” Jiwon smiles apologetically. “I’m still sorry. I think....we just need time to adjust to all this. Too much shit has happened too fast. Give me time to process all this. I’m trying too, okay? You know how hard it is to read books about this? I’m still scarred from Life of Pi.”
“You read books on how to deal with me?”
“I read books to understand you and us.”
Hanbin tears up for the second time that day. “Why would you even do that?”
Jiwon rolls his eyes but smiles softly across the table. “Maybe you should get it in that thick pretty head of yours that maybe, just maybe, this guy wants to be with you for the long haul? Ever think of that?”
“No.” Hanbin says, just to be contrary and okay, because Jiwon is so cute when he’s pretending to be annoyed.
“Oh my god.”
It makes him laugh, how Jiwon can reach out to grab all their problems and squash them into the palm of his hand. Just like that, a million big problems reduced to a small one. Sometimes life is hard but sometimes it is that easy too.