Renewal | Deanne & Professor X
Professor X was seated at his desk, reading through a novel for a short while. There were preparations for graduation that needed to be sorted out, but he decided to give himself the break in between them and continuing with other obligations he had to the school. Occasionally, as he’d gone from line to line of the text, he let his mind wander--or focus--on a general sift about the school for anything of note. When things seemed relatively calm about the school his eyes focused back on the page he’d left off on. The next time he had done this, he sensed someone approaching and quickly discovered ‘who’ but said nothing, continuing on with his reading while he waited for her to show up at his open door.
Deanne approached hesitantly, unconsciously chewing on a strand of blonde hair. Although she tried to reassure herself she had nothing to be worried about, her heart raced faster with each step towards Professor Xavier’s office. In the months since she arrived, Deanne managed to avoid talking to the headmaster one on one, but she couldn’t do it forever. She knew it was impractical and irresponsible, but it didn’t stop the emotional reaction, the fight or flight instinct that kept her alive through her life before the Xavier Institute. She couldn’t even pinpoint what it was that frightened her so much, only that he was the person in charge, and that made him dangerous. She considered turning around, running to Jubilee or Marie, and avoiding it for a while longer, but she made a deal with the Cuckoos, and she didn’t want to be a liar. She had to be brave. Deanne took a deep breath and feigned a polite smile as she reached the open door. “Hello, Professor.”
Professor X returned the greeting, "Hello, Ms. Pallas," and then closed his book while looking up. "Please, come in," he said. He sent the book aside while his mid started to recall their need to speak with one another. By now, he was well aware that Deanne hadn't had the smoothest transition to the school, but it was more than just the surface fact that she was somewhere that wasn't what she'd known as her home--not prior to coming here at least. He remembered his words to her, that he would remove the blocks on her mind and had every intention of doing so, were that the reason for her visit, but rather than seeing for himself, he asked, "To what do I owe the visit?"
Deanne Deanne stepped inside the office. “Uh…” she stammered. “I... after Jacen came, you said we needed to...speak in person in the coming weeks, but then…” Deanne expected it to be difficult, but this felt beyond that. “I’m sorry. I should have come sooner.” She thought of adding that she intended to, that she didn’t plan to put it off, but what difference did that make? She failed to do something she said she would, and the fact that she was frightened didn’t change it. How she felt about something was irrelevant to whether or not it needed to be done, and the guilt nearly outweighed the anxiety.
Professor X picked up on the tone of her voice and politely told her, " It's all right. I only assumed that you were here today because of the blocks put on your mind, but I didn't want to rely solely on my own assumption." His hand was resting on the joystick of his chair but he applied the proper amount of pressure and guidance to move himself from behind the desk. As he did so, he asked, "Tell me, are you still having trouble with them now?"
Deanne nodded. “Yes. I’m more used to it, though, and it doesn’t get unbearably bad. It’s not...it’s not really that important.” It felt wrong to ask for help, because in the moment, wrapped up in her guilt, she felt sure she deserved the pain. She knew it interfered with her learning, but for all she knew, she would fail even without the blocks. “Thank you for not telling me to go to the police and for letting me stay. I know...I shouldn’t have ran away, especially after you let me stay, but I really am grateful. I remembered what you said in the email, and I didn’t do anything illegal at all because I wanted to do what you said. Except...I took the algebra book with me, so that was stealing, but I returned it, and I’m very sorry for being selfish and stealing it. And even when I graduate, I won’t do anything illegal, even if someone threatens me or if I’m very hungry.”
While listening to her, Professor X held a stern but discerning expression. He privately recalled Deanne’s leave from the school and his own feelings surrounding it--mostly his concern for her wellbeing during her absence but also the frustration with himself that her departure had gone unnoticed for nearly a full day. “I assure you, you are not the first of my students to engage in something illegal, nor do I believe that you will be the last. Likewise, my not telling you to go to the police does not mean that I condone the engagement, so it is comforting to hear you acknowledge that by actively focusing on not doing it again. Your professors and I want you to take care of yourself while you’re here and after your time here, but know that we are all also here to help wherever possible.” He swept a hand toward the small couch beneath one of the room’s slightly curtained windows, inviting her to take a seat while positioning his chair just a couple of feet away from it. “It may take me some time to remove the blocks from your mind. I don’t wish to frighten you but I do want you to understand, placing such things on someone can be dangerous and damaging--particularly if the person doing so does not know what they are doing. There is equal potential for danger and damage in rearranging or lifting the changes made on someone’s mind if the one with that sort of ability is inexperienced.” After a short pause, he confirmed, “I’m not inexperienced. I will, however, have to do some searching through your mind in order to locate the disruption put in place to trigger the pain once I do find it, I must take care in removing it.” Resting his hands in his lap, Charles then asked, “Knowing these things, would you still like for me to remove them from your mind?”
Deanne still didn’t believe there would be an ‘after’ her time at the school, but she nodded along anyway. While not realistic, she thought it was a nice sentiment. Dee moved silently to the couch, mentally noting the window and view. The novelty of the presence of windows hadn’t quite worn off. “Yes, I know that,” she confirmed. “Jacen was inexperienced, but he didn’t work on my mind until he’d tested it on other people and the results were deemed acceptable, so...it might not be too bad.” Deanne was learning how to make small choices, like what to wear that day, but the professor’s question baffled her. Usually when she was asked a big question, it was a test of some sort, and she had no idea how to answer. “What would you like?”
Professor X gazed upon Deanne with a look of surprise at her question. He opened his mouth to answer, paused and then finally told her, “Ms. Pallas, this isn’t a decision that I’m to make for you. I would like your best interests to be sought after, but I will only do this today if it’s what you want.” He knew that there were times where he felt he had to intervene for someone else’s sake or for the wellbeing of others, but this was not necessarily one of those situations in his eyes. By no means had he wanted her in pain but he was also aware that she was in a position to choose what she wanted and did not want that taken away from her.
Deanne blinked, taking her time to process everything said. “It’s...not that I don’t want it, but...what I want usually isn’t the right choice, and it’s...something that only bothers me, so...I think it’s probably wrong to waste your time, because...I-I don’t like the pain, but I also know I deserve it, so it’s probably wrong to want it gone, isn’t it? I’m not--I’m not bad in that way. In other ways I am, but I don’t try to get out of things I deserve. But it does makes it harder to study, and I’m not supposed to get bad grades, but I don’t know if that’s an acceptable reason. I should be able to deal with both things, shouldn’t I?” She didn’t understand what the professor said when he told her the staff was there to help. She didn’t comprehend that she didn’t have to handle everything by herself. In Deanne’s experience, help meant punishments to teach her to be more disciplined. Help meant painful procedures to make her less inadequate. Help meant surrendering to the will of others and fighting to accept it as her own. If she could find a way to handle everything herself, she wouldn’t need help, but she was beginning to realize she couldn’t handle it all. She wanted to be successful at Xavier’s more than anything, so maybe that meant she needed to ask for help, whatever that would entail. It was frightening, but she had made dramatic sacrifices before for people who weren’t nearly so deserving of it. Deanne sat on her hands to keep herself from scratching at her arms and kept her legs planted firmly on the ground to keep herself from discreetly cutting herself with the blades so easily formed on her legs. Her embarrassment kept her from meeting the professor’s eyes. “It’s...I find it very challenging...impossible. I...I want to be better, though. I want help, no...no matter what it is. Anything.”
Professor X listened with an outward calm--pale blue eyes set on her face--though inside he was processing her response as each sentence left her lips. The struggle was clear in her features as well as her words, making his desire to help her swell a fraction but he was better disciplined than to impress that weight upon her. His hands gripped the armrests of his chair long enough for him to raise up slightly, adjusting his posture to sit more comfortably and as he settled his hands again, the Professor watched her movements--her new, unnatural seated position and as he was about to ask her a new question, she spoke up again so he quieted, sealing his lips until she was finished. His head dipped down once to let her know that he had listened to all she said. “All actions, however we may define them being good or bad, have their consequences. Doing something that you might be told or personally believe is bad does not mean that the consequence should be pain. You don’t deserve pain, Ms. Pallas. I understand that that is something you were conditioned to believe in the past, so my words may have little weight to you, but they are true here at this school, as well as most places beyond our grounds.” He guided his chair to the end of one of the office’s two couches so that his knees were nearly touching the armrest, and then he looked to Deanne. “I will help you and remove the blocks. Please, come lie down with your head here on the armrest and I will begin.”
Deanne nodded in acknowledgment, but Professor X was right; his words didn’t hold much weight. They held enough, though. She realized that there were different rules in different places, and while her pain seemed like a universal truth, she could understand that maybe here it didn’t need to be so. She idly wondered why the professors always seemed to mention life beyond the school grounds. She supposed it must be relevant, must be something they thought she needed to hear, but she couldn’t understand why. She was only worried about doing well at Xavier’s. It was the only thing that mattered. It was the same curiosity she felt when Marie talked about Dee’s need to get a hobby or learn to be a kid, the same curiosity she had when people talked about their dream careers, and the same curiosities she squashed because it wasn’t practical. Not only a waste of time, but things she wasn’t deserving of. Despite her conflicting emotions, Deanne forced a smile and got up from her chair. “Thank you,” she said as she laid down on the couch as instructed. “You’re--you’re sure it’s okay?” She had the sudden urge to call Jacen and ask him, but she ignored it, remembering that he wasn’t in charge anymore. Once these blocks were out of her mind, he wouldn’t be in charge of her ever again, nor the people he put the blocks in to serve. It was both exciting and terrifying.
Waiting patiently, Professor X rested his hands in his lap until she was settled on the couch. He looked down at her and kept his words even and certain, “Yes. All I need for you to do is close your eyes and try to relax. It will make it easier if you’re not tense or consciously scattering your thoughts.” Once he finished explaining this, he moved his hands to either side of her head, fingers steady and slightly parted from one another. He closed his own eyes to better concentrate, and kept them closed as he was permitted into her mind. There were innocent enough memories--the prom, spending time with friends at the school, admiring a new wardrobe she’d seen. There were less pleasant ones as well--the carvings into her skin; shivering terribly and wearily in the snow...The Professor pushed past the recent memories as though he was traveling around an intricate maze. It was a full two minutes, perhaps a little more, before he found the first block on her mind. It was as though someone had dropped a guillotine blade in the middle of a memory. Familiar with how to remove it, he was careful to guide his own mind through, wrapping tightly around like Arthur gripping the hilt of Excalibur. It was soon lifted free, and he continued through the maze of her mind, removing another block and a few more with minutes of intervals between each one. Some took longer than others out of his own conscious effort to preserve her memories without creating unintended alterations to them. Nearly twenty minutes had passed before he had finished.He sifted through her thoughts and memories once more for thoroughness before opening his eyes again. His hands relaxed from from beside her blonde tresses and he took a deep, noiseless breath. Letting it go with just as much silence, the Professor gently asked her, “Are you alright?”
Deanne nodded, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. She recalled the deep breathing Eva taught her for when she was having anxiety attacks or wanted to cut herself, and made conscious, calm breaths. It wasn’t without struggle, but she knew from past experience that being tense only made the process take longer. Some blocks caused her breaths to hitch, but each time she refocused and managed to stay calm. “Yes, I’m alright. That was...weird.” Professor Xavier was definitely better at that than Jacen, but that only made sense given their differences in age and experience. “It didn’t even hurt.”
Professor X was aware of when to stop because of someone’s reaction and when to only recognize that they were merely surprised from the sensation of his movement through their mind. After finishing up and getting an answer from Deanne on how she was doing, a small smile broke across his lips, not touching his eyes but genuine all the same. “I had hoped not, but you were very calm through it.” Previously leaning toward the armrest, he sat upright with his hand resting automatically on his chair’s joystick to slowly back it away from the couch. “You shouldn’t experience pains in your mind anymore--not from what Jacen implanted in your head.” Now positioned beside his desk, he asked, “Is there anything else that I can do for you while you’re here?”
Deanne sat up slowly and swung her legs around to the front of the couch. “Thank you.” She thought about his question. “No, except...I’m sorry about what I did, lying when I got here, and for running away and stealing the textbook, and that...I haven’t stopped hurting myself all the way or gotten better grades. I’m really sorry about that, and that I never talked to Professor Munroe like Professor Grey said I needed to. I meant to, but every time I was going to, I...I got scared, and since I wasn’t supposed to tell things...I just hoped everyone would forget about it. I used to be very good at following rules.” She smiled sadly. “Even made people proud. I was really good once. I want to be that way again, I really do, but nothing in my life has ever been harder,” she admitted. “And I don’t understand it. I mean, that didn’t even hurt. Help always hurts; isn’t that how it works? Everything’s so different and confusing. Thank you for letting me keep trying, though. I don’t understand it, but thank you.”
Listening to her, Professor X rested one hand over the other in his lap. the textbook, while not something he condoned was mundane compared to all else Deanne was apologizing for. “Professor Munroe or Doctor Grey are fairly thorough in remembering, or logging a note that someone who was meant to speak with them or vice versa. Your meeting with either of them, while it isn’t a rule, it is something that I would still encourage you to do. I believe that there are people here, friends of yours who are quite proud of you…” While he hadn’t spoken absolute words and merely stated his belief, he knew he didn’t necessarily need to given his recent sift through her mind. Casting her a measured gaze after she explained her difficulty with self-improvement and not understanding his patience, the Professor told her, “I’m not sure if you’re familiar with this saying or not...it is an old cliché that goals worth achieving do not come without some work--be acquiring a job, maintaining a relationship with somebody, a fitness goal, or something else entirely. In many ways, I do believe that saying, and I feel that it applies to you. You know what you want for yourself in terms of improving while you’re here, gaining a new understanding of the day-to-day. And you’re trying, as you have noted and we have noticed. So there is no reason for me to give up on you, Ms. Pallas.”
Deanne noticed herself scratching her arms as she listened, and took care to not let it become self-destructive as it often did. She nodded, hoping that now that she worked up the courage to talk to Professor X, she could bring herself to speak to Professor Munroe, too. The small smile of relief that the meeting wasn’t mandatory---meaning she could take her time if she needed to---turned into a grin when he mentioned her friends. “I’m...I’m really glad that I know them. Marie and Jubilee...they’re like family, like sisters, the first family I’ve had, and I never thought I could care about people as much as I care about them, and Eva...I love her so much; I think she’s probably the best friend that’s ever existed. And my other friends, too...I was really scared of Cole at first, but he’s really nice and gave me real school supplies and let me pick the color, and I thought the Cuckoos were terrifying, but they’re really not.” She realized she was rambling and cut herself short. “I’ve heard something similar. The bigger the goal is, the bigger the effort. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can reach it, that I was designed for the other things, and I’m wasting my time even wanting this. But...I still want it. Even if I can’t be like everyone else, I want to be close enough that...that I can enjoy the closeness. So thank you, Professor.”
Deanne’s own recognition of the relationships she’s made at the school and by extension, the growth she has had for herself, made Professor X lightly smile; it nearly touched his eyes. When she came to her own conclusion, he nodded once more and kindly reminded her, “You’re your own designer now, or free to be as such. Within reason, value your time however you wish for it to be spent from here, onward.” He sensed someone else approaching and looked to the barely ajar door where, seconds later, another student flounced up to it and knocked, “Professor? Can I come in?” asked a soft, feminine voice to which he replied, “Just a moment, Ms. Phillips.” Looking to Deanne, he lowered his voice again and concluded by telling her, “Feel free to come by anytime if you would like to talk again, yes?”
Deanne nodded enthusiastically. Speaking of the Cuckoos, she could go talk to them for the first time without pain and fear. She realized the fear might take some time to overcome since it had become habit, but she could start changing those now. She had the freedom to. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” With a burst of courage and gratitude, she hugged Professor Xavier quickly before scurrying out the door to experience life at the institute with new eyes.
