#cycle 30

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Cycle 30 cd 15

So my husband has decided to buy some supplements for me to try, so now I’m taking cod liver oil (yuck, lol), and vitamin C. My multivitamin already has B6. I’m curious to see whether it makes any difference whatsoever.

[taz-quotes]

Taako: [opens the door] Hey guys, I been gone a whole year. What did I miss? I can’t believe I spent an entire year weightlifting, that’s two years back to back. I’m getting pretty diesel, I guess. Woof.

Magnus: I’ve been studying magic. I’m super good at conjuration now!

Taako: And I’m good at fighting and we’re best friends.

[marriedandttc]

Like I mentioned, today has been an emotionally trying day. I was faced with a situation that I have been expecting to some extent, but I wasn’t prepared for just how badly it would hurt.

A “friend” came forward to tell me that they believe my fertility treatments are selfish. There are countless children deserving of good homes and if I want to be a mother that badly, I should be adopting. She went on to tell me that my talking about what we’re doing has left her very wary of my morals. She admitted that she is judging me and believes I am a selfish person at my core.

This person has since been unfriended and blocked so they will not have access to my page or messenger anymore. But unfortunately - the emotional damage had already been done.

I’d heard these opinions before. There’s an abundance of opinion pieces and rants online that say this, and sometimes more. I had just never had them directed at me. That I am selfish. My morals are corrupt. That I am a selfish human being.

I know in my heart that we don’t have to justify our choices to anyone but ourselves. I knew that this would happen... it’s a big part of why I put off talking about our struggles in certain outlets for so long. I just... it packed a punch. I’m so saddened and hurt.

[taz-quotes]

Griffin: I need help. I have no idea how to rectify this, because I think there needs to be a roll to determine whether or not they win the big game, because that feels important to me. But I don’t know if it’s you rolling plus Body to determine what kind of-

Travis: Griffin, look in your heart. Look in your heart. Do they win the big game, Griffin?

Griffin: Um, no. You’re gonna have to roll for this, dog.

Travis: Do you really wanna risk these 18 kids not winning the big game because of your stupid mechanic, Griffin?

Griffin: Yeah, I think I do.

[taz-quotes]

John: I’m sorry you feel that way. You’re the first person who I’ve sort of talked about this to who hasn’t listened. There were-- Everyone listened Merle, I’m not being hyperbolic, every person in the world was swayed. I don’t know why you’re different, but everyone else listened. Everything, everyone across our whole plane of existence. Our shared vexation with life covered the world like a blanket and soon every bird in the sky and every tree in every forest and every blade of grass and every grain of sand shared our fury and it wasn’t long before it changed us. 

We changed our entire plane into something new altogether. A single being fueled by discontentment, searching for something bigger than this existence regardless of the cost. 

You call us The Hunger. That’s not entirely inaccurate. We are hungry. But it would be more accurate to call us Dissatisfaction. But soon, you will call us Ascendant.

Merle: Well, we’ll see. John, thanks for the chess game and… kiss my ass, you sanctimonious bastard. 

Griffin: He frowns and says-

John: Huh. I feel sad.

Griffin: -And he kills you.

[taz-quotes]

John: I think there was probably a time where I had joy, where I experienced fleeting happiness or anger or fear, but God, it’s just been so long Merle. I used to spend my days considering the nature of time and existence, maybe that brought me joy once, but... unlike everybody else who ever thought about those questions, who ever pondered the meaning of it all, I - and you may find this hard to believe - I solved it, Merle. I saw the fullness of time. I pondered eternity and was the first person and only person to successfully visualize its treacherous arc.

You’re a man of the cloth, Merle, certainly you’ve wondered too about what- what awaits our consciousness after death or- [laughs] What am I saying? I’ve given you a first-hand experience a few times in this very room. Perhaps for some people who think about it, there’s nothing but infinite oblivion, the eternal erasure of your consciousness, or for some it’s eternal life and their God’s glorious kingdom or eternal cycling through all the inhabitants of their world. 

Any of these options, Merle, any of them are just-- erasure, or contentment or revival, any of them are fine as abstract concepts. But eternally, Merle, eternally? You can’t possibly conceive of the length of eternity, Merle. I have. It’s maddening and hopeless but it’s this burden we’re all saddled with from the moment of our creation. It’s a finish line that, by its definition, will never arrive. It stretches forever and ever, it’s too ambivalent to even taunt those trapped behind it. It is the cruel price of existence, Merle and it is too horrible to bear once you’ve seen it. Existence, Merle - life, Merle - is... horrible. To exist, to live is horrible. 

Merle: I... don’t think I wanna hang out with you anymore, John. I think I’m gonna take off. And you can continue wallowing in your sadness and your oblivion, seeing nothing but the negative and I’m gonna go on my way. And I’ll tell you what, if we ever meet each other somewhere in infinity, you can apologize to me and tell me you were wrong.

[taz-quotes]

John: Let’s have a conversation.

Merle: Okay, get your shirt off.

John: [laughs] No.

[taz-quotes]

Griffin: This is how Merle dies more than everybody else, because he keeps diving into this Parley with John to try and learn more. It’s tough.

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: I think you actually texted me a while ago saying you wanted Merle to have this heroic death? You have like, 50 some-odd ones at John’s hand alone.