#cynical thinking

[go-fuck-yourself-im-pacman]

Ladies, Gentlemen, and All Genders. Please bow down to the Gothic Queen @cynical-things . She tagged me to post what it looks a holiday selfie. So WHOOP THERE it is 🔽. I wore matching Grinch PJs with someone, but I put on my light up jumper.

Jumper says: OMG IT SANTA!!! I KNOW HIM! (I celebrate Christmas).

I tagged @fairy-mei because she a fashion queen. Anyone else that wanna pop off can do it.

[smoke-and-aurora]

I dont have enough thoughts about this to bring it to my therapist yet, and it's further irrelevant given that I am unpartnered still, but it's top of mind so... I saw someone in r/singleandhappy asking if they were a bad person for choosing singleness specifically to avoid the "in sickness" part of the vows. Ive been thinking about this question too, since I lost my partner to illness and my grandmother is currently pulling all-nighters sitting next to my grandpa in the ER, waiting for a room. He never took good care of himself: refused to see doctors, address pain/discomfort with more than vodka, or even eat vegetables. Now, he is constantly in the hospital or rehab and there she is right beside him. She is relatively healthy... except for the recent stress-induced chest pain. I can't imagine living that way without resentment. But I suspect it is how I would have lived if my previous partner wasn't gone already, since he was similar to my grandpa. So is it wrong to think that maybe I should never have a partner again, specifically so I don't become a nurse? If it means physically and emotionally disintegrating like she is, then perhaps love just isnt worth it to me?

[adorably-confused]

why am i so goddamn cynical. my thoughts keep going back to a theme of everyone is gonna leave me, friendships never last, just push them away it’ll be easier. what the hell man