#d personal

[xirae]

I hope once I feel better I can start putting effort into my outfits and appearance. I'm really lucky in that I remain very boyish looking and I'm comfortable with that - ignoring my gut atm, I'm a twink who could look like a butch lesbian with the right getup - but I'm also starting to feel kind of sick of it too. Unfortunately I'm not really losing weight in spite of my diet and daily steps, the women's clothes I thrifted early 2020s are not about to fit me.

Bright side, makeup knows no body shape - not even hooded eyes those naysayers are LIARS (I don't really have them but I have limited space to work with). I tried to get into it 2019-early 2020s, same time as my thrifting era, but my depression and poor executive function always kept me from trying anything or making progress. Those years were when my current crisis planted its seeds, benign enough to not notice, but I think my lack of drive to wear makeup in spite of my desire was a first symptom. Hopefully a good running routine will heal that

So I can really only continue trying to get in running shape rn, or hoping my meds magically start working. 4 weeks on wellbutrin coming up tomorrow. Running might take a few more weeks to get where I want, sadly. Yesterday was actually really rough, fatigue hits hard even though my body is actually doing really well as far as I can tell. It's my brain, I am so certain my brain is doing this and it's not my body revolting (I actually know how that feels, I did overtrain at times this winter).

[subbing-for-clones]

Hey lovelies so I'm going from a stay at home mom to a working and going to school while still momming. I know my updates are already irregular to say the least but they will probably only be updated when I have time.

Definetly keeping this account because it's the only thing that makes me feel human.

[divasaur]

My love for One Piece hasn’t changed in the past 10 years and I’m really getting back into it now hence my recent reblogs

I started off as a yaoi blog and feel so much better reblogging one piece content instead sorry not sorry

[xirae]

Just putting my finger on why I'll probably never be a full EC fan - she kind of sounds like a mix between Taylor and Halsey. Just very normal music voice. I'd say the parts of Perverts that were slowest to grow were songs like Punish and Amber Waves

[xirae]

I hope I get a good sleep soon bc things have been feeling pretty hopeless. "Heat" has been an issue - the transition between spring and summer is always rough. Not enough hot days yet to acclimate + the nights are still decently low so the AC feels a lot less cool at first. Too humid to open a window though, and summer cool still feels warm. Always end up in the room that's hotter than the living room :/ Had to wrap a bag of frozen broccoli in a towel and hold it like a stuffie. I bought ice packs and am freezing a water bottle for tonight

I'm kind of anti central-AC for this reason. It's a luxury, it's pricier, but always ends up being uneven in the apartment/house so someone suffers. then honestly you don't even need a 100% cool house, you just need a cool breeze on you. my fav apartment I had a window unit blow on me all night

[xirae]

Going to try to schedule a PCP appointment, an hopefully get online one bc they are cheaper. I desperately want to try adderall or vyanase. Nothing is fun and I hate living and I can't do anything, complete lack of dopamine. It's been months. I'm unemployed. I'm going to die. I tried to run but that's a long-term goal unfortunately, maybe by the end of summer I can be treating myself with miles and miles of running. Unfortunately, I need help NOW, I need to save myself NOW. What I hate is how hostile med industry is to navigate when I'm bad at doing things. Also costs money. I'm on medicaid and I doubt it covers much but we will see

[xirae]

I really acclimated to some cold cold weather this winter and spring. Sleeping in 67/19.444 degrees doesn’t feel comfortable LOL. That’s what I get for opening windows with lows in the 40s / ~5 degrees. I’m crazy. Also noticed I only have winter blankets, I am getting myself a summer “breathable” blanket nearby with very high reviews to see if that helps. Unfortunately, I need weight on my legs :/ weighted blankets are kinda pricey. I can also try wrapping something from the freezer in a towel and putting it between my thighs, apparently ppl really like that one. Or sleep on damp towel.