daddy update :)
My dear girls,
The months and years seem to be passing so fast during this period of our lives. So many things are happening with Mommy and Daddy, with ourselves as individuals but also as a couple.
The past year has been by far one of the toughest and most demanding years of our relationship, but we kept at it and pushed through. We’ve been doing this for the past 14 years together, and even though things have not become easier in any way, we’ve both always managed to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel and always come back to each other.
You should both know that human relationships are never easy. They are complicated, full of change and filled with expectations, stated or implied. Neither adults nor children manage to always do a great job at it, but I believe the most important thing is to keep trying. Doing the right thing is always more difficult than doing what feels easy, even if due to the fact that nobody can tell you what the “right” thing is.
So, even if the last months have been incredibly challenging, we are still here, still together, and we still love you both enormously.
We are happy, sad, tense, relaxed, learning, growing, crying, laughing. I’m not sure how other families are dealing with their own challenges and issues, but I can tell you that our own ways of coping and pushing through never feel straightforward or simple. We do try our best though, and more than anything both myself and your Mommy are working hard at understanding and developing ourselves as individuals; we believe this is the way to also become better partners, better parents and better human beings.
But it is not always easy, and we are far from ideal. Sometimes we falter, and sometimes we have less patience with you girls than we would like. Sometimes we treat you in a rash way, without really paying attention and without being mindful. And sometimes we doubt. Actually, most of the times we doubt. We doubt whether we’re doing the right things, whether this path that we have chosen as a family is right, whether the choices we’ve each made as individuals are right. We look at the past and romanticise it, and we are nostalgic about things that were and things that could have been. We each spent a lot of times on those thoughts actually in the last months.
What could have been…
From my point of view, what could have been is something that our human mind creates in order to keep us in an unsatisfied state of mind. That is, in my conception, an innate and built-in aspect of our humanity, evolved through thousands of generations with one main goal: to ensure that we survive as a species. Nobody directed this evolution, the same as nobody really directs anything. Leaving aside the entire discussion about God and creation, I believe that we’re all children of chaos; from chaos we are born and into chaos we will end. Therefore, we each must deal with the “demons” of our own minds, which tend to be surprisingly similar amongst all human beings.
And it's important to mention my belief that nature did not optimise for the individual's happiness but for our survival as a species. This is quite a tough thought to internalise, but I believe the sooner one does it, the sooner one can move past it.
What would our lives have been? What if we wouldn’t have kept together as a relationship? What if we wouldn’t have made the sacrifices that we made, in giving up our own “selves” for the amorphous and shapeless “we”? What if we would have each followed our “own” paths in life, fully embracing our individualism and traits, without trying to always “make it work “, to keep our relationship together going?
What if we didn’t have you both?
These questions are in my view normal, but I believe the answers we each give to them shape the very essence of our beings, directing not only our future but also permanently re-writing the past memories we have. The human mind is a very complex mechanism, whose inner workings are not yet apparent or understandable to us. And I also believe that each of us, as individuals, should spend a lot of effort in trying to figure out what is our best way of coming to our own versions of potential answers. All the while, keeping in mind that the flow of time never stops, that we change every day, and that the answers we each give ourselves today might be different from the answers we give tomorrow, or the day after that.
I do not have a solution for you girls to these challenges, and I don’t believe anyone has. As you grow, we grow, and I grow. With each passing year, with each new issue we fix or challenge we overcome, I try to become better at thinking about these questions, more honest in my answers and more open to understanding what the “reality” is like. Things are never the way they seem to each of us; we each live mostly inside our own minds, pretending that what we understand and perceive is “the” objective reality, the absolute truth and the way "things are". But there is no such thing as an objective reality, and it requires discipline and a lot of self-control to always remind yourself that things are not what they seem, that the others’ point of view might be more valid or more true than yours, and that you might be living in an illusion that you’ve created, fully removed from reality.
But I try, and we try. This is the best I think any of us can do, and I hope that we’ll manage to always keep trying, together.
Overall, in our relationship with you as our children we feel that we are doing a good job in being there for you when you need us. We also try to facilitate as many learning and fun experiences as we can for you girls, within the constraints of our time and available money. We try really hard to think ahead, and ensure to the best of our abilities that you girls are getting a great start in life.
From the way and the things we feed you with, to the books and toys we buy for you, to the outdoors experiences we try to share with you. Education is also very important for us, and we’ve done significant efforts to keep you Sofia in Cantaleum, for now and hopefully for the future as well. Even though that means a very significant financial, logistical and mental commitment from our side.
We try to also be mindful about modelling productive behaviours for you both, especially in what relates to the way we treat each other, to kindness, understanding and non-violence, but also to other important aspects such as perseverance, self-control, practice and perseverance. We do our best to first make sure that you see these behaviours embodied in the daily practice we do ourselves as your parents, and only then do we also talk to you about them as theoretical constructs. And we do our best to treat you like individuals, with the respect and thoughtfulness that we would give to any of our peers. We try hard not to lecture you. We hope that you feel a bit of our efforts in all the above, and that it will have a positive impact on your future development as human beings.
Now let me share a bit about how I perceive each of you at this point in your lives.
Ana, you are 3 and a half years old, and your personality feels a lot of the time like that of a charging bull!
You are incredibly strong-headed, strong-willed and strong-minded. You fight with ferocity for what you want, no matter what we or your sister try to tell you. Right now, as you’ve grown a bit more, we are able to reason with you a bit more, but when you were a bit younger it was virtually impossible to convince you to do things you didn't want to do.
So you my dear have therefore been one of the biggest tests of our patience and parenting values that we’ve had so far. Through your way of being you’ve challenged us continuously, making us become better as self-control, especially your Mommy. Sometimes she doesn't make it in the way she would want to, but that rarely happens and then she apologizes and talks to you about it.
And you are SO attached to her still. Whenever she is away, even if she is out running for half an hour, you tell me and Sofia that “I miss Mommy!”. You love being with your momma, on her, around her, and more than anything in her “imbratse”. She still has to be always close by for you to feel fully comfortable.
With me you have a funny relationship, more like that of an older brother. You generally listen to me if what i ask you is something you are ok doing, but you immediately oppose me if what I demand is not to your liking. So that's why I learned not to demand so much anymore, but to gently convince you; a valuable skill i've developed massively in the last years and for which i'll be always grateful to you.
With Sofia you have an amazing relationship, and you seem to love her a lot! You love playing with her, and you try to find ways in which you can share the same playing scenario. You like to be guided by her generally, but you also expect her to do what you want, when you want it. You also fight with her sometimes, especially when she doesn’t want to give you the things that you demand.
And, relating to your "charging bull" way of being, you sometimes hit her. You’re a little violent devil sometimes, throwing things on the floor whenever you don’t get your way. You’re also hitting Mommy and I when you get upset with us, and then we also hear your very funny way of voicing your frustrations: “Silly Mommy! Silly Daddy! Silly Sofia!”.
But in the past couple of months you’ve grown a lot, taken another major leap, and you are becoming more easy to talk to and reason than before. And also less and less hitting, which is something we're all very happy about.
You love being outside, especially being at playgrounds, and you like swings more than other things. You also like to make and build things with your hands, and your mind seems to be very explorative and inquisitive. You are very self-centered, and you can spend even one hour playing alone with your own things.
And you fall, quite a lot actually. You’re always bumping against things, and you don’t seem to have a natural inclination to paying attention to where you are going :)
You love it at Guxi, your kindergarden, and whenever I come to pick you up you seem to be happy and content there.
You also keep complaining that your tummy hurts, especially in the car. It might be because of the car seat becoming too small and tight for you and your large tummy, or because you need to make caca, or because you are using this expression of "my tummy hurts" to state that you are bored and want to get off from the car. No matter the reason, this has been a bit concerning for us, as it has been a common thing for you for the past couple of years. We’ll mention it to the paediatrician the next time we go there.
You are also massively lovable, with characteristic pouty faces and chubby tummy, and we love to hold you “imbratse” and ciupilate you! :)
Sofia, you will soon be 7 years old, and I can’t believe that you’ve grown into such a big little girl!!
You started 1st grade a couple of weeks back, and you’re doing great. You are a little geek, and you love to learn new things. You’re super inquisitive, asking “why” to almost everything, and you really go deep into trying to understand things. You are fascinated about the world, about geography and about the animal kingdom. You can already read quite well, and also write in uppercase. You love spending time with books, and you also like to sketch things with me.
With your sister you are generally kind and supportive. You love her deeply, and when we are out you always and unfailingly take care of her. You always make sure that she’s ok, jump to her help whenever she needs you, and with the other kids you always make sure that she’s included in the games and that she’s happy.
Sometimes you have challenges in sharing with her, mostly at home. You do your best though, even though sometimes it’s really really hard, also because of the way Ana naturally is. But I love the fact that you always try your best, and that no matter how upset you get, you always are willing to talk about it and discuss it with me and Mommy.
You are already able to understand "grown up" concepts such as consequences, attitude, future outcomes, delayed gratification, gentle manipulation, “selling” to the other either ideas or proposals. I love teaching them to you, and we try to exercise them as often as we can in different situations.
You’re doing great in playing the piano as well, and we love to listen to you. You’re also a natural at movement with your body, and we keep getting great feedback about your natural abilities to control and gracefully move your body from teachers, no matter if you’re doing ballet, swimming or just playing at the “ball schule”.
I personally love to spend time with you, as the bigger you get the more engaging and rich the experience of being with you is for me. We can now talk about a lot of things, and i love answering your many questions about many things. And I also love it that you think I'm a "funny Daddy!".
Because of the way you are, we sometimes forget that you’re still a small girl. That goes to say that you’re really acting and thinking much more maturely than your age, and I have to say that I see myself as a child in you, a tiny little bit.
Now, some general things that apply for you both: you are quite healthy, and for that we’re very grateful. You get sick relatively rarely, and then it’s usually a cold and nothing more serious. You rarely have high temperature or longer bouts of sickness.
You both love to watch Peppa Pig, Ben and Holly and a couple of other video series on YouTube. We try though to keep the screen time rare and far between, on average just a couple of times per week.
You both also love playing in the bathtub with your toys, as well as going to the “Badi” at the lake. You love water!
And you both love each other. You have tender moments with each other quite often, and it melts our hearts whenever we witness them. We hope you’ll keep and nurture this love for each other for the rest of your lives.
I also love the days when I get to take you to school and then pick you up. It's always very nice for me to talk to you about how your day went, to share mine, and to hear your conversations in the back of the car. I love especially Fridays, as we get to spend half of the day together going to Ballet. I even love to have to manage you gently in the days when you are both very tired and cranky; this used to be one of my biggest challenges, but I feel I've improved massively in the last months.
So, that’s about it for my update. I’m very excited for the coming year, as it will bring to your Mommy and to me a set of new challenges and obstacles that we’ll need to manage. Our lives have never been really simple or stable, but I’m more confident than I’ve ever been that we’ll manage, together.
With love, Daddy