My Dad needs to stop.

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My Dad needs to stop.
This kid came up to the door in a lugi costume about four or five years old im giving him a choice on what piece ofcandy when suddenly my dad comes behind and shouts over my shoulder "NO MATTER WHAT CANDY YOU PICK YOU'RE-UH GONNA WIN" and sounded exactly like luigi and the kid looked so confused
Dad: *in the next room over* There's a crack in the ceiling...
Me: *SCREAMS*
Me: SERIOUSLY?!
Me: ADFGHJKHGFD NO STAHP
Me: *runs to room*
Me: *looks up*
Dad: Yeah, it's like, in a straight line.
Me: ...oh. Okay.
Welcome to my family.
Mom: *Bursts out of her room in one of my dad's suits for no reason what-so-ever, cue really bad English singing* I WANNA WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS. I WANNA WISH YOU--
Me: Mom what are you doing.
Dad: ERIK.
Me: WHAT.
*phone rings, mom still singing in the background, I go and pick it up.*
Me: Hello?
Dad: *through phone* call 911 your mom has gone crazy.
All the awards for my father.
Me: *Trying to find a title for my genderbend!Spiderman fic* Dad, do female spiders have names?
Dad: What.
Me: Do female spiders have a name other than just spider.
Dad: ... I don't think so.
Me: Is there a way of telling them apart and a name for it?
Dad: If the spider is wearing lipstick, it's a female or a sexually ambiguous male.
Oh my God I have been sitting on the couch watching my dad look for me in the living room and he still hasn't seen that I am sitting right in front of his face. He's half-asleep. He has to be.
I WILL NEVER TALK TO MY PARENTS AGAIN.
Dad: *Trying to open the front door while holding several grocery bags*
Mom: I told you we should have taken the back door. This one is broken, I have no idea what's wrong with that damned lock. It will never ope--
Dad: *Opens door* B|
Me: You forgot that the house likes Dad better.
Mom: Well, your dad has always been good at putting things in holes.
Me: MOM.
Dad: And that son, is why you have two brothers and one sister.
Me: DAD.
My dad was falling asleep so he told me to tell him a story.
Me: Did you know Loki, the Norse God of mischief has a son that's an eight-legged horse?
Dad: Oh wow.
Me: It's kind of like a joke in the fandom, because in the Thor movie the horse is already there.
Dad: How does that even work?
Me: Oh, he turned into a mare.
Dad: Seriously? That's. sort of really gay.
Me: He has lots of other kids, a wolf, an anaconda and a shitload of human children. He is always a woman.
Dad: Okay, son. I am convinced he's gay. Will never look at him the same way. Cross-dressing was one thing, but that.