#daggerbind

[rikudevium]

I  KNOW  IT’S  OUT  THERE  SOMEWHERE   ------

the  strength  that  i  need. the  strength  for  what  ? to  protect  the  things  that  matter.   you  know,   like  my  friends.

he remembers terra.   he remembers the day he was passed the keyblade,  never really understood what it truly meant,  what power it held,  what exactly he’d need to keep his friends safe  from  ;   only that it possessed a power that  would  keep them safe.   he knows,  now,  where terra’s path led him  ---  to xehanort.   to darkness.   all because he wanted to keep his friends safe.

and,  then,  riku fell into the same path,  only ever wanted to protect sora and kairi.   he allowed darkness to consume him,  fell right into ansem’s hands  (  to  xehanort’s  ).   he got  lucky  that he fought his way back to the light,  that he’s learned how to allow his darkness and his light to coexist,  because few others have been so lucky.   not even  terra  ---  he’s still  trapped. 

i  told  you,   i  didn’t  want  to  be  found.   not  like  this.   i  ...   couldn’t.

you’re  coming  back  with  us,   right  ? i  had  given  in  to  the  darkness.   how  am  i  gonna  face  everyone  ?

noctis might not  need  their power.   but riku knows the organization will strike when he’s at his lowest,  catch him off guard,  and it will hardly matter if he  wanted  the power or not.

in this world,  darkness seems to equate to whatever plague has harmed many and brought about daemons.   it hardly seems like such a desirable thing to those who are seeking to restore light to the world,  to bring an end to longer nights.   and the organization cannot bring noctis’s father back,  cannot restore light to the world,  cannot help noctis answer his calling.   perhaps riku doesn’t  need  to worry about the prince and his friends.   still,  the heartless,  the nobodies,  the organization are all here for a  reason.

above all else,  when it comes to protecting the ones that  matter  ------  sometimes,  one loses all reason.   one will do whatever it takes.   riku sees the anguish in noctis’s heart,  sees that yet he still  fights  like hell to keep his friends alive  ------  and he might not sense darkness within him  yet,  he cannot discount it.   he looks at noctis,  and he can almost see himself.   or who he used to be.

above all else,  the organization can give noctis the false hope that they can protect everyone alive that matters.

he  doesn’t  need  me.

the words catch riku off guard,  just for a moment.   and he  can  hear how much it hurt to say them.   because it wasn’t so long ago that he had thought the same way  ;   except he thought he was no longer needed because he’d been  replaced.

while  you  toiled  away  trying  to  find  your  dear  friend,   he  quite  simply  replaced  you  with  some  new  companions.   evidently,   now  he  values  them  far  more  than  he  does  you.

he learned the hard way how  wrong  he was.

“  i know i haven’t been here long,  so sorry if i’m jumping to conclusions.   but from what i’ve seen  ------  i don’t think that’s true at all.   i’m not calling him  hopeless,  but it seems to me he needs you plenty.   i  think more than the others.  ”

what  would  you  have  us  do  ?

what follows is a long pause.   and riku seems  hesitant.   “  when it happens  ---  there may not be much you  can  do.   there’s nothing sora could have done to save me from the darkness,  although i know he likes to think otherwise.   but  ---  just make sure he knows he’s not alone.   and remind him who he has in his corner.   should he succumb to the darkness,  it will be your strong bond that pulls him back out.  ”      @daggerbind

[bioticiisms]

ignis has already invited himself into kaidan's rented room, prepared tea (two cups, he isn't *that* rude) and sat himself down upon the sofa. "errands", he told the others—although he suspects that noctis, at the very least, saw through him. (noctis understands his anxiety, but kaidan has always been better equipped to handle it. perhaps that is unfair.) ❝i'm sorry,❞ he says as soon as the door opens. ❝i-i just ... wanted to see you. i — gods, i can't do this anymore! i — i'm losing control!❞

HE  DOESN’T  EXPECT  TO  SEE  IGNIS   sitting  upon  the  sofa  in  his  rented  room  upon  entering,   but  that  doesn’t  mean  he’s  surprised.   he’s chosen to surround himself with people who seem to like to drop by at a moment’s notice  ------  not that he particularly  minds.   now more than ever,  he needs the company every now and again.   now more than ever,  now that kaeden has chosen to embark on this perilous journey with the prince,  and ignis,  and their friends,  he needs that peace of mind,  to know that they’re all  okay.

his door is always open to those that need it most.

i’m  sorry.

he’s quite tired when he steps into his room  ;   he and kaeden help make up some of the  few  members of the glaive who had remained faithful to the king to the very end,  and things have been  hard  since then.   he’s off on his own,  felling magitek troops,  protecting civilians.   he doesn’t often get to see kaeden,  worries for his safety  constantly  ---  because he knows that kaeden will give his life for noctis in an instant,  and he doesn’t  blame  him  !   their duty as kingsglaive aside,  kaidan knows he would do the same for ignis and kaeden both.   but he’s terrified of losing kaeden  ---  and not even  knowing  when it happens.

he enters,  and he hears ignis’s voice before he even has the chance to process his presence  ---  spots him upon the sofa,  two cups of tea set out upon the table,  looking positively  distraught.

“  i - ignis  ?  ”   he shuts the door behind him,  takes long strides to join ignis immediately upon the sofa.   he grabs ignis’s wrists,  takes his hands in his own.   “  what’s the matter,  hijo  ?  ”

i  just  ...   wanted  to  see  you.   gods,   i  can’t  do  this  anymore  !   i’m  losing  control  !

“  h - hey,  hey  ---  ”   he takes a breath.   it  crushes  him to see ignis like this,  will never forgive regis for putting such a burden upon the boy’s shoulders at such a  young  age   (  he was  six  when he was entrusted to noctis’s care  !   no boy ought to have to grow up so fast  ---  not like  him  ).   “  i - it’s  okay,  hijo  ---  take a  deep  breath.   with me,  yes  ?  ”   one,  deep inhale,  slow exhale,  two,  rinse,  repeat,  only lets go of ignis for the briefest moment to settle his hands on his shoulders,  grounding,  firm.

“  look at me,  ignis.   you have done  brilliantly.   and i know his majesty would have agreed.   you can’t hold yourself responsible for everyone anymore.   the prince’s fate,  everyone’s fate  ---  it’s out of your control.   and that’s  okay.   i - i know it’s  scary,  and bigger than anyone could have possibly imagined.   but none of this all rests on your shoulders.   it was never fair to expect otherwise.  ”

it was never fair to expect ignis to carry the burden of caring for a charge only two years younger than he at the age of six.   it was never fair to take his childhood away from him so quickly.   he remembers the day the marilith attacked the prince,  remembers kaeden coming home to him near - death,  face cut up  badly,  remembers ignis,  traumatized,  remembers how the incident completely changed the way he acted.   none of it was fair.

“  keep,  ah,  keep breathing with me,  okay  ?   take as much time as you need.   stay as long as you need.   i’m not going anywhere.   try to loosen your shoulders.   relax.   you are  allowed.  ”

[caelumdevium-blog]

this time, ignis can't stop himself. his breathing comes in crashing waves, and it takes everything in him to stumble toward the regalia before gladio and prompto ask him questions (—or, worse, before noctis turns around.) they've just defeated the manilith, in spite of his protestations, and noctis has just emerged from the sea like a savior. he ought to be relieved. (instead, he just knows now that he could never have been cut out for this. he knows that he can't do this anymore.)

NOCTIS  CAN’T  REMEMBER  THE  LAST  TIME  HE  CRIED  SO  MUCH.   or,  rather,  cried in front of other people.   even when he’d first heard of his father’s murder,  he’d tried too hard to hold it in,  was barely even given a moment alone to grieve.   he’d turned his grief into anger instead,  took it out on the magitek troops,  the creatures and the daemons  ---  took it out on ignis and prompto and gladio,  was short with them and snapped at them until he was too tired to be angry.

he can’t channel his sorrow into anger this time,  not when he’s got nothing to be so angry about.   they’d just vanquished the very thing that nearly killed him twelve years ago,  they all  survived.   but all he can think about is his father,  the way he stood tall in the face of the daemon,  silent rage.   all he can think about is waking up in tenebrae,  his father holding his hand,  i  will  never  let  anything  hurt  you  again.

all he can think about is the last moment he had with him before setting off for this journey,  walk  tall,   my  son.   cor’s voice in the back of his mind  ---  he  wanted  his  last  moment  with  you  to  be  as  your  father,   not  as  your  king.   his father sent him away so that the empire wouldn’t harm him.   his father died to ensure he was safe,  to ensure he would in time receive the ring and do as he was prophesied to do.

not once had he been bitter about how little time he had to spend with his father  ---  not after the daemon attack,  anyway.   but he certainly wished he hadn’t taken his time with him for granted.   there’s too much he wants to tell him now.   too much he never got to do.

he finally lets himself cry,  here,  kneeling at the edge of the cliff overlooking the water,  the sun preparing to set,  and he doesn’t look back for a while,  shifts the rest of his surroundings out of focus  ------

until he hears footsteps stumbling toward the regalia,  too faint.   if it weren’t for his poor hearing,  he might hear the heavy breathing,  but the footsteps are enough to catch his attention  ---  his  gut  telling him he needs to pay attention.

because,  it’s  ignis,  stumbling toward the car,  and noctis knows the telltale signs by now of when ignis is in the midst of an anxiety attack,  and he is quick to wipe his tears away so that he may focus on the more important thing at hand.   and he point - warps to the car   (  close enough that it wasn’t  entirely  necessary,  but,  well,  whatever gets him there  faster  ).   grabs ignis’s hand.   squeezes carefully.

he has to try not to start crying again.   he can never stand to see ignis like this,  but he’s far more vulnerable than usual.

“  back seat,  ”   he says to him first,  opens the car door so he might climb in  ---  and noctis gets into the front,  if only so that he can replace the car’s roof,  allow them a little more privacy   (  for he knows,  at this point,  that gladio and prompto will understand what it means  ).

he climbs into the back soon after,  immediately has his arms around ignis’s shaking frame and pulls him into a tight embrace.   taps his back,  three times.

“  ------  talk to me,  ignis,  ”   he says,  all soft.   “  i - i’m right here.   okay  ?   we’re both  okay.   i - i’m sorry,  if i scared you earlier  ---  ”   he pauses for a second,  swallows hard.   “  i’ve  got  you.   i promise.  ”