#dailylog;

[hhanseung]

[hhanseung]

What if, the fact that I can't be drunk is because I am always drunk and I just have no idea how the sober me would look like or be because I pretty much chug down two bottles of scotch a day— does this makes any sense?

[hhanseung]

April 15, 2017 📍 서울대학교병원

Be that as it may, Seunghyun rarely dreamed about anything, at least not recurringly. Most often than not his dream would just consist of scraps of old memories, ghosts of his tragic past that sometimes decided to knock on his door. Never once that he had anything worse as this. However, being pressured by the guilt that still haunted him and persistently followed the man from Mokpo making nightmares easy to swing by lately. It is almost like witnessing an old eerie documentary of vicious scene with nothing but of course, blood. A loud scream of agony and torture, a vague memory of him brutally taking his opponent down with his bare hands, that small yet audible sound of his worn out shoes skidding on hardwood floor-- everything was presented vividly in his sleep.

For all that, something was wrong. Gun..Why is there a gun in my hand-- This was not it, this was not how it ended. Something in him spoke. This was not how I took him down. No. One, two, three, four. For each number that  continuously echoed in his brain, one body came into sight. Seven, if he counted right, laid down on the floor, helpless, all covered in blood with a bullet hole in between their dead opened eyes.

"Mother...hyung-- no. No-- I didn’t-- " desolated and depressed as he was, discovering the bodies to belong to his loved ones crushed him even more that it gaped a massive hole in his chest. Everything just went dark, his mind spiraling into an endless loop of terror and remorse until he found himself kneeling on a trench of blood with a blurry figure standing in front of him, holding the same gun that he once held-- pointed right toward his face.

"Merciless..." Such a faint, trembling, whisper that the figure uttered, on and on and on until it pulled the trigger, creating a loud bang-- loud enough that it soon woke Seunghyun up in a flinching motion, desperately gasping for air. Beads of sweat covering his creased forehead as his heart racing faster each passing second.

...Seven.. There were seven....

[hhanseung]

April 6, 2017 — 10:42 p.m. 📍 Yonsei University

Anger, a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. An expression that often correlates to a violent explosion, harsh sounds, loud banging of a door, the sound of knuckles landing strongly on a hard wooden surface, one’s racing heart, flames burning that engulfs oneself– but then why do I feel calm?

A melodious whistling sound echoes throughout Yonsei University’s hall, accompanied by light footsteps and the jingling sound of keys crashing against each other. It’s a quiet evening, almost 11 p.m. even, and Seunghyun has been walking around the halls of one of the top three universities in South Korea looking for a certain somebody, whistling When The Man Comes Around along the way. Despite the small amount of time he has in Seoul, and the fact that he is needed in another city that’s approximately 193 miles away from where he is in 3 hours, he’s not rushing his steps. He wants to remember this moment, he wants his mind to take notes of everything that will happen today so he can play it again in his head, and rushing will get him nothing but dissatisfaction. “Lee Sejun-ssi?” asks the firefighter in such an unperturbed tone despite the anger that boils in him. God, even saying the name makes his hands tremble in rage. However, he decides not to show it. Instead, he leans the side of his body against the doorway of an empty class with only one person sitting on the lecture table. He figures the man’s probably in his 50’s, not so much of a family or father figure, and clearly hates working out for his slightly bloated stomach is the first thing that Seunghyun notices the moment he sees him. “Sir, I need a moment with you, I promise it won’t be long.” with that, he deliberately steps inside the class and closes the door behind him, making sure that no one sees him before he does so by peeking through the small window attached to the door. “I heard you’re quite the ladies man here in Yonsei– if you know what I mean?” he sits on his table and offers the professor a trivial smile. Before he can say anything, Seunghyun presses a pen he finds on the table against the elder’s lips, preventing him from speaking. “Shh. Shh. Don’t deny it. I’ve heard a lot of stories, I even spoke to some girls before I came here– they were very eager to tell me everything. You see, I’m not much of a ladies man myself but with a face like mine, girls tend to give up everything they got just to see a little smile peeking from it.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about. If you don’t get out–” “What?” Seunghyun cuts him off right away. He somehow knows Sejun is going to play this card. But Seunghyun didn’t come here unprepared, and knowing him, he always has something up his sleeve. “You’re gonna call the police? Ah, please do, if anything, Sir. They’re gonna love everything I’ve taped on my phone.” he went on giddily, reaching out for the mobile device in his pocket and plays the audio recording he took earlier.

“He only offers money to the pretty girls only, oppa. If they reject him, he will not be pleased and threaten them with low grades” “He asked me to come to a hotel one day. He said he has money and if I…go to bed…with him…he can pay more.” “Scholarship. He offers me a scholarship if I’m willing to sleep with him. He asks this to so many girls, not just me.”

One confession after another fills the lecture hall, resonating throughout every corner of the room. The smug expression that was once perched on the professor’s face has worn off. He’s as pale as the moon now, sweating like a pregnant nun with fear clearly drawn in his eyes– and this exact sight alone brings Seunghyun a certain rush of satisfaction. “I would really love to play more but, man, believe me, you don’t want to hear the rest. Girls are so mean these days– I swear to God, the things that came out of their mouth.” he pauses to create a dramatic effect before he sarcastically heaves out a sigh of despair, “Mean stuffs….” “What do you want? If you want money I can give it to you now. Cash.” begs the professor. His trembled voice almost gives away Seunghyun’s laughter. “What? No– dude– I’m gonna have a bag full of cash in 6 hours anyway you have no fucking idea– although I do have one request, though.” he says, index finger drumming on his chin as he pretends to ponder. “Anything. I’ll give you anything.” answers the older man almost at an instant. With a swift move and a change of expression, Seunghyun grabs Sejun’s collar and slams him against the nearest wall, so hard he can hear a loud thud when his back hits the wall. “I need you to get the fuck out of these girls’ lives and any other girl you ever lay your eyes on because I swear to God, if you ever–” he tightens his grip on the collar that it lifts the other off the floor. “–if you ever so much of thinking about touching them, I will make sure spending your boring ass life in prison would be the least thing you should worry about, am I being clear enough, Prof?” fumes Seunghyun, at this point the man is blinded by anger that the only thing he can hear is his heart pounding in his ear. He means the other harm. He wants it so bad for him to hurt and suffer for what he had done to the person he loves with every fiber of his being. If it isn’t for the very same reason why he’s here, he would’ve had lost it and turned the entire class into a bloodbath. “I want you to know that the reason why you can still work tomorrow is because I have your pathetic sad life in my hands and I can crush it whenever I fucking want to– and please, oh please dear God try me because I would love it so much to see you burn and rot both here and in hell because there is nothing I hate more than a fucking lowlife molester.” there is no need for him to yell to appear intimidating, his face on its own already takes the credit– combined with the anger that burns inside him, no one would even dare to look at him for a split second.

There’s no answer, only a frantic nod that comes along with an anxious gulp.

“That’s my boy.” as if nothing happened, Seunghyun flashes the other a contented smile, his hands busy fixing the shirt that is now rather disheveled from the violent gripping. “Now you remember your promise. You don’t want me coming back here again now, do you?” he pats the elder’s face lightly, still keeping his smile as he turns around and heads toward the door.

“And oh– professor,” he stops and turns on his heels to see the other man for one last time before he heads out, “It’s called deodorant. Try it.”

[hhanseung]

March 20, 2017. 📍 배산공동묘지

How long has it been since Seunghyun found himself to be in peace? How long has it been since he learned that it is alright to feel joy without having to be afraid that it will be taken away? How long has it been since he was honest to himself? September 24, 1999. The day he was left with nothing but anger and resentment that spewed within him. The beginning and the end of everything.

His childhood was robbed. He grew up going from one job to another instead of being involved in sports or indulging himself in games, hobbies, or girls like most normal teenagers. He grew up skeptical of life, enraged of the world and how unfair it had treated him– he grew up cynical. But if there was one place where he could finally be himself, the happy, untroubled, and content boy that he was, it was here; his father’s final resting place.

“It’s been a while, dad.” the words that came out of his mouth were soft yet full of remorse. He had been sitting in front of his father’s gravestone with his legs crossed, unbothered by the drizzling raindrops that fell on a cloudy afternoon; damping his hair and the black leather jacket he loved so dearly. “I’m sorry for not visiting. A month– I know. I have no excuse. I just don’t know how to face you when I know I’ve disappointed mom…and myself along the way, I think. I guess the ‘I will do everything to keep this family running and happy’ has its own cost.” he chuckled weakly, letting his eyes to leave the gravestone for a moment. “But I’ll fix everything. I’m not losing her, I promise. After everything mom and I had been through, I will not let myself give up just like that– and between us Hans men, we know we always keep our promises, right, dad?” a warm smile made its way to his feature, brighten up his somewhat dreary aura. “Aside from that, how are you? I hope everything’s cool up there. With me, well….I got promoted. That’s right, your son is now in charge of every engine running in Yeonje-gu. You didn’t think I’d come here without any good news, did you? I hope you’re proud of me. You and mom. And oh– I want you to meet Sueji–” he fumbled through his jeans pocket to grab his wallet, fishing out a polaroid picture of his girlfriend that he took not too long ago. He laid it down beside the bouquet of sunflowers he brought earlier. The flowers that had been the symbol of their family. “Pretty, huh? She’s also smart. She’s a med student from SNU so you don’t need to worry about anything anymore, dad, I no longer need any health care program– I got her. I also made a lot of new friends. All of them in Seoul, though. Which leads me to think would it be wise if I move out of the city?”

There was a moment of silence, mostly because Seunghyun thought whatever that came out of his mouth afterward would somewhat hurt his father, if that was possible. “I don’t find myself at home in Busan anymore, dad. Truth be told I lost it when I lost you. I don’t want to leave mom alone but at the same time I’m not happy here. This city has been nothing but a bitter reminder of my traumatic past and I don’t want to hold on to that– these people can help me. They make me happy. I want to be happy. I really want to, for once.” he confessed. There was a single tear that fell down his cold cheek, leaving a wet trace like rain on a dusty pane which he soon wiped dry with his thumb. It was probably the first time he let himself cry in years considering he was not the type to let his emotions get in his way. But to his surprise, it felt good.

“Anyway–” he shook his head to brush off the unnecessary thoughts that were clouding his mind and leaned over, fetching the polaroid photo he took out earlier before slipping it back into his wallet. “I’m gonna stop before someone thinks I’m crazy.” he stifled a brief chuckle and stood up, his hands slipped inside his jeans’ pockets as always. “I just want to say I miss you, dad. I hope you’re not bored of hearing that since it’s pretty much what I say everytime I come here– not that I don’t have anything else to say.” the firefighter lifted his shoulders into a small shrug, smiling. “I’ll see you around, Captain. Take care. Don’t worry much about mom, Seunghwan hyung, and me. We’re good.” There was a wave of relief rushing throughout his body and mind the second he left the spot to the pathway that led him toward the front gate of the cemetery. He had even forgotten about all his sorrow for a while. It was all well.

“We’re good.”