Sawamura Daichi. captain of Karasuno High's boys' volleyball club, a responsible student, and a reliable friend.
a friend.
that's all I am to him.
some might even say we're best friends, since we're in the same class and club, live close by, and spend a lot of time together.
he is my closest friend.
he's always been there for me throughout high school. whenever I needed comfort, he'd come running, regardless of the situation. ..how could I not love him?
I'm in love with my best friend.
it's not necessarily a problem on its own...
the problem is the lively ex-captain of the girls' volleyball team; Michimiya Yui. also known as Daichi's girlfriend.
I can't stand her. she's perfect in every way. unsurprisingly good at many different sports, but somehow she's also at the top of her class.
they're a good match, obviously. perfect on paper; a text book example of a compatible couple in theory.
they'll both grow up to achieve something great in their lives, like having stable careers and a beautiful family.
and I have to sit in silence, watching them from the sidelines. I have to see the smile on her face whenever he kisses her cheek. I have to see his tense shoulders relax every single time she hugs him.
I have to watch the love of my life loving someone else.
I've tried everything to get rid of these feelings.
I tried taking space. I really did try staying away from Daichi, but it's impossible when we see each constantly in school. the moment he'd look at me and say my name, all of the love I was trying to conceal deep inside, came bubbling back to the surface.
all it took was one "Suga!" from him...
I even tried going on blind dates.
I still remember this one light brunette boy. he had very faint freckles on his cheeks. they even spread over his nose. if I'm being honest, he was quite cute.
his eyes sparkled with excitement when he looked into mine. so very different from Daichi's determined, serious gaze.
we hit it off, actually. he was really sweet and easy to talk to, clearly a good listener.
he's boyfriend material, I thought, but something felt wrong.
at the end of the date I told him: "I can't do this."
he smiled and nodded sadly.
"I knew something was off."
"I'm sorry..."
"don't be. I hope it works out with the one your heart belongs to."
hah, I wish.
I'm not sure how much longer I can take it.
but then, Daichi asked me to help him with shopping.
"your gifts are always so appropriate and fitting, no matter who you're giving it to", he reasoned.
that's because my love language is gift giving.
so there I was, walking around Sendai, helping Daichi find a present.
"I can't help you if I don't know who this gift is for", I told him.
"it's for Michimiya", he replied, unwavered.
of course it's for the girlfriend. is their one year anniversary coming up? or maybe her birthday..?
why should I care...
because I just want to do the right thing and help Daichi.
"what's the occasion?"
"um. I'm actually breaking up with her..."
it felt like time, along with my heart, stopped.
what could drive him to break the heart of a girl like her?
it seemed like Daichi read my mind, since he answered the question: "I think I'm in love with someone else."
of course his heart was set on someone else already. when would my turn be? after I've finally moved on and am getting married to someone else? is that when he's going to realize he could've been with me all these years?
"who could be better than Michimiya?" I asked without thinking about what came out of my mouth.
only afterwards did I think about how much nicer I could've sounded.
Daichi was silent and stopped walking.
"I'm sorry, but I can't tell you", he whispered, "not like this."
it hurt. he wouldn't even tell me the whole story. I thought he considered me someone he trusts, but I guess I was wrong.
"okay, I'll help you find a gift... for breaking up", I chuckled bittersweetly.
we ended up getting her a generic self-care gift basket with lotions and candles.
"this is very traditional, but I don't think you need anything exceptional for... a breakup", I said, a little uncertain.
I've never thought of getting a gift for someone I'm breaking up with.
Daichi was even going to take her out to eat something before doing it. it sounded bizarre to me, but I guess that's what he thought a considerate partner would do.
I wished him luck on the day of the break up.
I was confused. I wasn't sure what I was feeling exactly. I'd always despised Michimiya, eventhough she'd never been nothing but nice towards me. but now, hearing that Daichi was going to leave her out of the blue, I started feeling bad.
at first I was happy to hear that Daichi would be single, but after hearing the reason, it turned into guilt.
it was as if I'd taken a step forward, towards the possibility of a romantic relationship with Daichi, and immediately got knocked down, stumbling two steps backwards.
I hadn't heard of Daichi for a couple hours. I was a little worried, in all honesty. did it go badly?
suddenly I heard the doorbell.
"Kōshi! go open the door", my dad yelled.
I groaned as I got up. they're closer to the door, so why can't they get it?
I opened the door to see none other than Sawamura Daichi, standing at the front porch.
"Daichi? why are you here?"
he looked like he'd run here, with his cheeks red and puffed.
"can we.. can we talk?" he breathed out.
"sure", I said, worry lacing my tone before I grabbed a hoodie to pull on and slipped outside.
"is everything alright?" I had to ask.
"yeah, everything's fine. I did it. I'm no longer together with Michimiya", he announced proudly, as if it was something to gloat over.
"good for you", I sounded harsher than I meant to, "are you going to go after that new crush, then?"
"I wouldn't say new... I feel like it's always been there, I just now realized it..."
I just sat on the stairs without saying a word. my chest hurt, and I knew if I opened my mouth, Daichi would be able to hear the heartbreak from my voice.
"I feel like I took too long. I've been completely blind", he kept rambling, "I've made you wait for so long."
... what..?
"me?"
"yes, Suga", his tone turned softer as he took my hands into his, holding them firmly.
his hands were cold, but I didn't mind. I looked into the fierce brown eyes, so full of certainty.
Summary: Daichi wants commitment. Suga wants casual. How long until one of them breaks?
Pairing: Daichi x Sugawara
Work Count: 6496
Warnings: Angst. Suggestive themes. Adult language. Mentions of alcohol. Toxic relationship tropes. Mentions of getting sick
Rating: 16+
A/N: The lyrics used are from The Cut That Always Bleed by Conan Gray.
I don’t love you anymore
A pretty line that I adore
Five words that I’ve heard before
March 2016— 6 years ago
The strong breeze made an almost whistling sound as it whipped through and around the nearby trees. Daichi stood on the corner, a slight shiver going up his spine as the wind twirled around him as he waited as he looked down at his watch – 3:10PM.
Five more minutes until the school day ended and he could already hear the various shouts the students would make as they all tried to tell him about their days. It was the highlight of his day, his favorite part of his job as a crossing guard for the local elementary school. When he was first given the assignment, he wasn’t too keen on it, he had dealt with enough childish antics in high school to last him a while. But slowly the position grew on him, he took pride in making sure the children were safe and enjoying the level of excitement they showed when they saw him each day.
The bell rang and shortly after a stampede of small children ran through the school’s gate and down the sidewalk towards Daichi. Daichi’s face lit up when he heard his name being called accompanied by several waves. He greeted a few parents who had walked over to get their children as others told him about test scores, recess games and new friends made as he helped them all safely get to the other side of the street.
Daichi glanced around to make sure all the children had crossed the street when a certain silver-haired man caught his eye. He walked by Daichi completely before he stopped, the wind blowing, making a mess of his hair. He looked back towards Daichi, tucking a loose strand behind his ear as he smiled, tossing a wink towards Daichi, “it’s Sugawara.”
* *
June 2022
Daichi lets out a deep breath as he walks up the stairs to his apartment, the long hours of his shift finally settling down on his shoulders. The elevator has been out of commission for several months now, but that didn’t lessen the irritation he felt as he climbed up each step.
His keys jingle as he takes them out of his pocket, fingers sorting through the keys to find the one he needs as he finally reaches his floor, the fourth floor. He didn’t mind living so far up, in his opinion it was better than the ground floor, having to hear everyone above him, but after days like today he hated that it takes him so long to just get home.
He’s engulfed in his thoughts as his shoes tap against the tile, slowly getting closer to his door when a dark brown sweater catches his eye, a figure sitting against the wall by his door. Daichi huffs a bit before running his fingers through his hair, clutching the keys in his hands, hoping that the pounding in his chest would calm before he got to his door. Daichi slips the key into the lock, having walked by the figure without so much as looking down at him as he pushed open the door. He finally glances down and his eyes are met with ones that are rimmed red and puffy with dark circles under them, blotchy red cheeks and a reddened nose, a sight that shatters Daichi’s heart.
He drops his bag in the doorway, leaning down and helping him up, walking them both into the apartment. He helps him to the couch, walking into the kitchen to get a glass of apple juice, the kind with the black lid, not the red because that brand isn’t sweet enough to him. Daichi doesn’t even know why he still keeps apple juice, he hates it, but he bought it for nearly two years and something like that doesn’t just leave one’s memory.
As he looks back into the living room, he notices a few more details about the man on his couch. His gray hair which is usually soft and fluffy looks dull and flat, he’s hunched over rather than his typical straight posture and he’s not radiating that sunshine aura that he normally does, instead he just looks gloomy.
The light thumping sound the glass makes while being sat on the wooden table seems to echo through the room, both men awkwardly sitting there, neither sure what to say. It had been years since the last time they’d seen each other and even then, it hadn’t been on the best of terms.
Suga’s hands shook a bit as he picked up the glass, sipping slowly, trying to figure out what to say, how to explain why he just simply turned up at his doorstep. He looks down at the juice in the glass, a bit too afraid to look at Daichi. “I didn’t have anywhere else to go and you said…”
“You were always welcome here.” Daichi finishes, pushing himself off the edge of the table, walking into the kitchen, the air suddenly feels suffocating. He turns on the sink, using the sound on the running water to drown out the rush of thoughts that are all demanding his attention. He is exhausted, work today had kicked his butt, he didn’t have the energy to deal with this.
Oh I can’t be
Your lover on a leash
Every other week
When you please
* *
September 2016— 6 years ago
Daichi still hadn’t gotten used to the comfortable way Suga’s hand fit into his even though they’d been together for a few months now. The cool sensation Suga’s hand brought to his was something that Daichi missed the instant it was removed. He looked over at Suga, who was just a few steps from him, a gentle smile on his lips.
Hazel-brown eyes met dark brown ones and a deep blush covered Daichi’s face. Suga teased the man, running his fingers through Daichi’s hair, tucking a bit behind his ear, smirking when the blush grew deeper, trailing down his neck. Daichi went to speak but the mixture of Suga’s fingers trailing his skin and the closeness of their bodies made his words stammer out, causing Suga to chuckle.
“Do I make you nervous?”
Daichi coughed nervously, looking away from the elementary school teacher. Suga tossed one final wink before walking away, leaving Daichi to finally be able to catch his breath.
The two had decided to explore a few nearby shops, Suga wanted to buy a couple things to keep at Daichi’s since he’d been spending most of his weekends there and it wasn’t a great look for a teacher to show up on Monday in Friday’s outfit.
Something casual.
That was how Suga described not only the clothing he was looking for but also what he wanted from Daichi. It wasn’t something Daichi was used to, he tended to go for committed relationships, relationships with title, but when it came to Suga he found himself willing to try things. He watched as Suga looked through a few different clothing racks and displays, fingers gently brushed over the fabric like he’d brush them across Daichi’s bare chest. He loved just watching Suga doing simple things, there was just something about him that made everything seem more magical.
Suga looked over, a small smile appeared when Daichi quickly looked away. The gray-haired man enjoyed teasing Daichi, it was easy but also had a way of making their arrangement feel more comfortable.
**
“I didn’t know you bought something.” Suga sat down beside Daichi, a glass of apple juice in one hand as he laid his head on Daichi’s shoulder, “let me see!”
A dark blush appeared on Daichi’s cheeks, clearing his throat, “actually it’s for you.”
There was a twinkle in Suga’s eye as he took the bag from Daichi, an overwhelming feeling washed over him, no one had ever just bought something for him before. Not without something being wanted in return.
He gave Daichi one last glance, scrunching up his nose making Daichi laugh before he pulled the dark brown fabric out of the bag.
“You mentioned that you tend to get cold.” Daichi rubbed the back of his neck, “and a button-up sweater is easier to take off than a hoodie.”
Suga smirked as Daichi began to ramble, it’s something he did often when he felt awkward but Suga found it completely adorable. Gently, Suga cupped Daichi’s chin, pulling him to face him before kissing him, rendering the brunette speechless.
“I love it!” He pulled away, undoing the one button that was done before he slipped it on, his smaller frame being engulfed in the brown fabric.
“Oh, I can take it back and exchange it.” Daichi felt stupid with how big the sweater was, at least a size too big, he should’ve checked the tag instead of assuming the sizes were in order on the display.
“No way, it’s mine!” Suga tightly wrapped the right side of the sweater over himself, preventing Daichi from continuing to reach for it. “I’m never giving it back.”
* *
June 2022
Daichi’s seen various sides to this man, he’s seen him excited, worried, sad, hell he had even seen him angry, but he’d never seen him like this. Like some empty shell of a person who didn’t have much left going for them and it cracked Daichi’s heart just a bit more than it had been when he first saw him outside the apartment.
Suga’s sitting awkwardly on one side of the couch, wearing a pair of Daichi’s sweats and t-shirt with a semi damp towel draped around the back of his neck. Daichi had told him to feel free to wash up and after the rollercoaster of a day he had, Suga gladly took him up on his offer. He kept his eyes down however, surprised to see such a friendly warmth in the dark brown eyes that were looking down at him, he couldn’t help but wonder just how he deserves such kindness.
The both of them had tried talking, but conversations ended after just a couple sentences and with long awkward pauses. Suga managed to tell him that the reason he just showed up was because he’d been broken up with and the place belonged to the other guy and Daichi had just nodded. Daichi had assured Suga he didn’t have any plans for the night, just some grocery shopping and maybe a quick work-out at his gym.
On the opposite ends of the couch, Daichi had flipped through the channels, leaving the TV on some random movie that was just adding background noise to the room since neither were playing attention. Daichi’s mind was stuck on the fact Suga had been broken up with and that, to Daichi at least, meant that particular relationship had a title, something Daichi never got with Suga and that weighed on his mind like a ton of bricks. Just what did that person have that he lacked?
A small and sudden weight is added to Daichi’s shoulder and he finds himself smiling at the poof of gray-hair that’s on his shoulder, but it turns into a seemingly disappointing feeling the more he dwells on it. Truly this day was becoming more and more exhausting.
He lets out a sigh, reaching across Suga to get the throw blanket he kept on the couch, to cover Suga up. His fingers just barely grip the smooth fabric when he feels Suga move slightly, his lips pressing against Daichi’s neck. He can hear Suga mumble something as he tries to move back to his seat, but Suga just follows his motions, straddling a flustered Daichi who can’t seem to collect his thoughts.
Suga trails kisses down his neck and just barely under the neckline of his t-shirt, watching as Daichi’s skin turns a dark red. Smirking to himself, he toys with the hem of his shirt, his hands sliding up Daichi’s toned abs and he swears he can hear the brunette’s breath hitch.
“S-S-Suga,” Daichi barely manages to get out, each gentle touch and wet kiss further impairs his rational thoughts, everything just starts to blur. It wasn’t just the fact that he was tired or that it had been longer than he’d care to admit since he was intimate with someone, it was Suga. The man always made Daichi melt, could easier mold him into whatever he wanted, he would just go along with it
Suga’s lips crash into Daichi’s and he’s surprised when he feels strong arms pull him closer into his chest. Daichi’s hands rests on Suga’s hips as he grinds into Daichi’s lap, deepening their kiss. A sense of clarity washes over Daichi when he feels Suga’s fingers fumbling with his zipper and that’s when he pushes Suga off his lap, standing up and backing away from the couch to give needed space.
“Daichi!” He frowns, quickly closing the space, grabbing Daichi’s hips as he presses his lips to his neck, “let’s make each other feel good, we always were good together.”
Daichi puts his hands on Suga’s shoulders, taking a step back, “it’s been a pretty long day. Let’s just talk in the morning.”
Say you love somebody new
And beat my heart, to black and blue
Then they leave, and it’s me
You come back to
* *
November 2018 – 4 years ago
“Suga! Suga!” Daichi called out repeatedly, watching as Suga walked back and forth from their shared bedroom to the living and back. He had been calling out to him for almost an hour trying to get him to stop and just talk to him.
His mind was racing, trying to figure out what was happening and why. There had been no big fight, no harsh words thrown at the other, but here Suga was, snatching up his things, throwing them in poorly constructed cardboard boxes.
“Koshi!” He yelled, grabbing his arm, pulling him back to stop him from once against leaving the room.
“Daichi, let me go.” He tried snatching his arm away but Daichi was just a bit stronger than he was.
“You wanted casual, I gave you that. You wanted to move in, I let you. I deserve to know what’s going on.” He let go of Suga’s arm, embarrassed of his actions.
Suga knew Daichi was right, whatever he asked for he got from him, even when it wasn’t something Daichi wanted. Suga knew asking him for a casual relationship, to not give them any title to label their emotions and now here he was, about to ask him for something else he wouldn’t want.
“I want to end whatever this is.”
Daichi flinched or at least that’s what he thought he did. Of everything he thought Suga would say, that hadn’t been one of them. But his words rang loudly in his ears.
End whatever this is.
Whatever this is.
Daichi wanted to laugh, how pathetic had he been this whole time, these two years spent together didn’t even have a title, a name. ‘Whatever this is’ was what you called an object that’s name you couldn’t remember, it wasn’t what you should call time spent between people, especially two people who acted as lovers.
“I don’t want to end this.” Daichi words caused Suga to freeze, dropping whatever was in his hand. “I’m half of this, I get a say too.”
Suga’s heart was racing in his chest, this wasn’t what he signed up for, it was supposed to be casual, not domestic. Things were getting too overwhelming, too suffocating for the wild and free spirit that Suga was.
“There’s someone else, someone I actually want to be serious with.”
Daichi just stood there as Suga brushed by him, leaving him alone to digest those words that held such malice. It felt like his whole world slowly started to crumble around him, he felt as if he was starting to lose his footing as the ground beneath him caved in and he wished it would swallow him up.
All of his insecurities started to weigh him down, his mind quickly trying to analyze each memory, every emotion, every touch the two shared to figure out why this was happening, why things were turning out the way they were.
Daichi had always known, somewhere deep down, that something like this could happen, that something like this would happen. He just thought that maybe since they’d spent so much time together that it might slowly cease to be an option for Suga. Maybe the memories, the emotions, the gentle caresses would deepen their bond to one day them being able to label what they shared, for their relationship to be something deeper than casual.
He stood there as Suga shoved his brown sweater into his messenger bag before he slung it over his shoulder. Daichi was frozen in place, just watching as Suga carried box after box out of the apartment, two years’ worth of togetherness condensed into six cardboard boxes , a messenger bag and a small plastic bag.
“I—”
Suga stopped just before he pulled the door shut, turning back towards Daichi.
Daichi swallowed the lump in his throat, clutching his fists together. “If…I…you’re always welcome back…the door’s always open.”
Suga nodded, which Daichi hoped meant he might have another chance, but instead it felt like a permanent goodbye, the way the door clicked shut behind him.
* *
July 2022
The tapping of Asahi’s foot is the only sound that fills the almost empty café that’s near Daichi’s work. When he called to talk to his best friend, he didn’t imagine that he would take a weekend off and come in from Tokyo.
Asahi runs his fingers through his hair, gently tugging on the tangle that forms closer to the end as he tries to carefully word his sentence. If Nishinoya was there, he’d have slammed his hands on the table, demanding to know where the smart man that was his former captain went, how could he let the person who destroyed him back in his life? But Asahi wasn’t as bold or loud as Nishinoya, he knew he needed to be his somewhat level-headed self.
Daichi grows increasingly worried about what Asahi will say to him, he feels the way that someone does when a parent says they aren’t mad, they are simply disappointed.
Asahi sighs, “I just really don’t want to see you like last time.”
“I don’t think that’ll happen this time. Things feel different.” He tears at the napkin his coffee is sitting on.
You said that last time too. “I know, but aren’t things moving a bit fast? He’s going to move in and it’s only been a month since he came back into your life.”
He rubs the back of his neck, “that’s true, but he didn’t have anywhere else to go.”
“I might not like the decision, but as your friend I’ll be here for you.” Asahi partially regrets the words as they come out, already feeling that he and the rest of the former team would have to put him back together again. Because when it came to Suga, he and Daichi went together like fire and gasoline.
To say you’ve loved me alone
And kissed the bruises till they’re gone
Bittersweet, ‘cause I can’t breathe
Inside your arms
* *
May 2020 – 2 years ago
“Daichi?”
He stopped, turning around at the sound of a familiar voice, eyes widened when he landed on silver hair. It had been close to 18 months since they’d last saw each other, Suga shutting the door on whatever they were and his apartment without much more than that.
If he had taken an extra second to think, he would’ve acted like he didn’t hear and just continued walking, even if he struggled between wanting to see him again and never seeing him again. But in this moment, he wanted to disappear. He didn’t look like someone who could confidently say he’d been doing great after a break-up, he had dark circles under his eyes from his new position at work, hell he had even grown a bit of a beard though it was mainly stubble now since he shaved a few days ago.
“Oh, Ko—Sugawara.”
Suga chuckled a bit, Daichi could always be formal at the most random times but to be fair, he wasn’t expecting it now.
“Almost didn’t notice you.” Suga pointed to his own cheek and Daichi rubbed his own, the stubble pricking at his skin, “looks good though.”
“Thank you.” He cleared his throat as he looked everywhere but at the man in front of him, “you look well yourself.”
“Oh really? Surprised you noticed since you haven’t even looked at me once.”
Daichi finally looked at Suga, the latter giving him his signature soft smile, the one that made him melt.
“Can I buy you a drink?” Suga asked, biting nervously on his lower lip, was that asking too much? He glanced around Daichi, “unless you’re here with someone else?”
Daichi quickly shook his head, “I’m not.”
**
“How have you been?” Suga asked, finishing off his second drink while Daichi nursed his first. “I haven’t seen you around the school.”
“Oh, I got a new position. Street patrols.” He took the last sip, making a face at the warm temperature of the beer, “you?”
Looking around the small bar, Daichi still couldn’t picture himself in there. It had a certain ambience to it, one that he couldn’t seem to blend into, but Suga could, clearly, he did or he wouldn’t have brought him here. It felt a bit stiff though, nice enough to take a business client but not relaxed enough to waste time dilly dallying around.
“Really good, don’t tell but this class might be my favorite.”
The two engaged in shallow meaningless small talk, nothing scratched beneath the surface, both carefully dancing around anything that might be painful. But after a few drinks, Daichi’s caution was gone, especially when Suga’s knee brushed against his own.
“We should call it a night, you must have someone waiting.”
Suga slid closer to Daichi, purposefully brushing his shoulder against the brunette’s. “Nope. I don’t have anyone like that.”
Daichi’s face reddened, “Oh, I shouldn’t—” His words stopped as Suga’s hand ran up the inside of his thigh, fear filled his eyes as he searched the hazel ones that were full of mischief.
Suga leaned his face closer, voice low and surprisingly husky, “want to head to your place?”
**
Suga’s back slammed into the apartment door, Daichi tried to open the door while Suga kissed and nipped at his neck. Daichi took a deep breath as he finally got the door opened, Suga stumbled backwards before he’s quickly pulled into a broad and toned chest. Daichi leaned down, capturing Suga’s lip with his as Suga walked backwards through the room, the layout of the apartment still burned in his memory.
Their shoes, shirts, belts trailed the hallways, both impatient about getting to the bedroom and soon Suga pulled away, grabbing Daichi’s hand dragging him into the bedroom, shoving him onto the bed before he kicked the door shut.
**
Daichi barely opened his eyes, the harsh morning sun burning them as he reached over to the right side of his bed.
Cool. The sheets were cool.
He squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a deep sigh, laying an arm over his forehead. Daichi knew what to expect, knew what he had unspokenly agreed to even with the drinks he had, but it didn’t ease the ache in his chest.
He pushed himself up, scanning the floor for his boxers when he noticed that everything was as if Suga hadn’t showed up. The magazines that had been knocked off his dresser were picked up, the lamp Suga bumped into was readjusted, even the glass that Daichi gave water to Suga in had been washed and placed in the drying rack.
Daichi leaned against the kitchen counter, shaking his head, Suga sure did have a way of coming into his life and leaving no trace of him when he left.
* *
August 2022
“This is the last of them.” Daichi places a small stack of boxes on the coffee table, wiping his hands together as he takes a look around the living room that’s now full of Suga’s stuff. “You brought more than you left with.”
Daichi’s comment is completely off-hand, he meant nothing malicious by it but immediately starts tripping over his words trying to explain that he didn’t mean anything by it. Suga looks at Daichi before he starts laughing, covering his mouth as he tries to tell him that it’s fine.
“I really didn’t mean it like that.”
“Even if you had, it wouldn’t have bothered me.” Suga walks over to Daichi, loosely wrapping his arms around Daichi, resting his head on his shoulder.
Daichi rests his chin on top of silver hair, gently pulling Suga into him, trying to calm his racing heart. He missed this, missed Suga and everything that he brought into his life, and even though he told Asahi that he knew this time would be different, in this moment, he’s not so sure.
**
“Daichi! Daichi!” Suga comes running into the kitchen, a frantic and desperate expression on his face.
“W-what’s wrong?” He turns the burner off, looking around Suga to see if he can see why he’s so worked up.
“My sweater, I can’t find it.”
Daichi’s heart breaks, this was one of the first times Suga’s worn such a pained expression, even when they ended things, he didn’t look this torn up. “We can get you a new one, it’s fine.”
“No! I want that one, it was from you.”
Half an hour later, the two of them are standing at Suga’s ex-boyfriend’s apartment and Daichi wants to just fall through the floor. Earlier when they were moving boxes, his ex-boyfriend wasn’t home, so Daichi could avoid seeing him, but now he couldn’t and he wasn’t sure if he could handle seeing who Suga picked over him. Though he didn’t know for sure if this was the person who Suga left him for four years ago, but it could be and that didn’t leave a good feeling in his chest.
The door quickly opened and Daichi couldn’t deny that the man on the other side was handsome, he could have been mistaken, but he looked like a player from Johzenji back when Daichi was a third year. He had the sides of his hair shaved but the top was dyed a yellow blonde and when he spoke, Daichi caught a glimpse of a small metal ball.
Suga pushes by the man, mumbling something and then Daichi is left with the one person he didn’t want to be. He thought about just texting Suga saying he went back to the car, but he also didn’t know how things ended (obviously not great if he went to Daichi’s crying) and didn’t want to leave Suga alone.
The man leans against the doorframe, giving Daichi a once over before making a ‘tsk’ sound, “it won’t last long.”
“Excuse me?”
“Whatever you have with Suga, it won’t last long.”
Daichi clenches his fists when he sees the cocky smirk on the other man’s lips, he knew he was trying to get under his skin, but Daichi didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
“I know it feels great to be his white knight, but we both know his interest never last long.” He steps closer to Daichi, tilting his head close to his ear, speaking low enough for only him to hear, “he always comes back to me.”
“Got it, let’s go.” Suga grabs Daichi’s arm, pulling him away.
“It was lovely to see you again, Suga.” The blonde winks which Suga ignores.
“The sentiment isn’t mutual.” Suga turns to Daichi who is still rattled by his ex’s words, “don’t listen to him, he just likes picking with people.”
But nothing he said was a lie. Daichi thinks, wondering how long he’d have Suga this time and just how many times had Suga ran back to this guy.
But even though you’re killing me
I, I need you like the air I breathe
I need, I need you more than me
I need you more than anything
Please, please
* *
August 2021 – 1 year ago
While it had been over a year since he saw Suga for the first time since the breakup, it had only been months since his last run-in with Suga. It seemed that whenever the two ran into each other, it would end up with them hooking up and Daichi was fine with that, at least that’s what he told himself.
This time didn’t end with a break-up, with Suga telling him there was someone else, but somehow, he was doing worse and maybe that had to do with him seeing Suga lip-locked with someone else and when he made eye contact with Daichi, he just acted like he didn’t know him, giving him a smug smirk. Silently telling Daichi whatever they had was over.
Against his protests, his boss insisted that he took some time off to recoup, not wanting to lose one of his best officers. Which is why Daichi was laying on his bedroom floor, looking up at the ceiling, trying to figure out how he had fallen so hard, so low. How someone who had become reliable enough to be captain years ago was doing no better than a lovestruck high schooler.
This wasn’t his first break-up, he dated Michimiya Yui after graduation and for two years of college, but ultimately things just didn’t work out. He had been heartbroken back then, but this was something worse, this felt like the world was ending.
He rolled on to his stomach before pushing himself off the ground, grabbing a jacket and his wallet before leaving his apartment, no real destination in mind.
**
Asahi stopped, trying to get a better grip on the drunken Daichi, who by some stroke of luck managed to call him before face planting the bar. As he pushed him up on his shoulder he wondered if Daichi had always felt this light or maybe he had lost weight, wondering just how hard this breakup was hitting his friend.
Since Asahi was only visiting Miyagi, they ended up at Tanaka’s place, taking both Asahi and Tanaka to get Daichi up the stairs and into the small apartment. Kiyoko was quick to make tea and bring some crackers for Daichi to try to eat, hoping to absorb some of the alcohol. The three of them all share a look, all understanding what or rather who pushed Daichi to this point and Kiyoko doesn’t try to hide the distaste on her face.
It’s after both Tanaka and Asahi had fallen asleep that Kiyoko, waking from her own sleep, noticed that Daichi wasn’t on the futon they had laid out in the living room for him. The sound of broken sobs pulled Kiyoko’s attention to the hall bathroom, where she found Daichi, desperately clinging to the toilet as he got sick, puking up a mixture of alcohol, sorrow and regret. His eyes are red, tears streaked down his cheeks when he met her sympathetic expression.
She dropped to her knees beside him when fresh tears started to fall, pathetic rambles coming from the brunette begging her to tell him why he wasn’t good enough, why Suga could just leave him as though he meant nothing. Pleading with her, as she ran gentle fingers through his hair, to tell him what he could do to be someone worthy of Suga, not realizing that it was Suga who wasn’t worthy of him.
* *
November 2022
It has been several months since Suga plowed back into Daichi’s life, randomly showing up at his apartment and then not too long after moving back into their once shared apartment. When he first moved back in, Daichi had a pit in his stomach, just waiting to come home and find Suga packing like last time. But to not just his surprise but also delight, everything was entirely different this time around.
Before Suga was secretive, his phone was either tightly in his hand or shoved in his pocket, now Daichi often finds it laying around the apartment, Suga nowhere to be found. Before Suga would walk either two steps before Daichi or at least arms width apart, but now Suga clung to his arm, the two walking hand-in-hand like college sweethearts. Before what they had was ‘whatever this is’ and then just a few weeks ago while on the phone, Daichi had heard Suga tell whoever was on the other end that he was spending the evening with his boyfriend.
While Asahi and Kiyoko weren’t completely sold on this changed Suga, both weary that it was some ploy or something but Daichi continuously argued in favor of Suga’s change, telling them that they both changed through the years.
Daichi knows that it’s premature to be thinking too far into the future, that despite his excitement for the change of behavior, a wise man would be more cautious and keep themselves a little guarded. He knows that three months or twelve weeks isn’t that long in the grand scheme of life, but he’s not a wise man, at least not now, and why he’s standing in front of a counter he has no business being at.
“Anything catch your eye?”
He looks up, a smiling cashier meets his eyes and he suddenly feels self-conscious about being in the store, “oh, uhm, I’m not sure.”
“Do you want rings or necklaces?”
Daichi, if he was honest, hadn’t given much thought to this. He was simply walking through town on his lunch hour when he spotted the small jewelry store and stepped in. But since the cashier asked, he was giving it much thought. Necklaces weren’t as popular and to Daichi not as obvious, but then again at work, neither could afford to be too obvious. But there was just something about matching rings that gave Daichi this giddy feeling in his stomach and he loved it.
“Rings.” He says confidently before hesitating a bit, realizing that necklaces would be easier to hide.
“We could do rings, but also chains for when you want to wear it discreetly.”
He perks back up, that would be perfect. He nods before the cashier starts to show him several different sets and he finally decides on a white gold set of rings, opting to have their initials engraved on the inside.
Cause I could be
Your lover on a leash
Every other week
When you please
* *
May 2022 – 7 months ago
She sat his cup of tea on the table before picking hers up, blowing on it to cool it. Daichi had offered to come and help her with a furniture delivery to their new apartment while Tanaka was at work.
“Thank you for helping today.”
Daichi gave her a nod, smiling as he took a sip of tea. He enjoyed watching his friends move to new chapters in their life, just a small part of him wished that he was there too instead of stuck on some guy that he hadn’t seen in months.
He noticed that she was looking down at her lap, a look of concentration on her face. “Are you okay?”
She looked up, Daichi always knew when people were upset, always wanted to help others just never bothered to help himself.
“Daichi…I’m worried about you.” Kiyoko fidgeted with her hands, unsure of how to bring up what she wanted to. It had been easy to go over it with Tanaka, but different when the subject of their discussion was in front of her.
“Worried? But I’m fine.”
She let out a deep breath, deciding to just bite the bullet, “Tanaka was in Tokyo the other day and ran into Yamamoto, he played for Nekoma, remember?”
He raised an eyebrow but gave her a confirming nod, how could anyone forget someone that was so similar to Tanaka? Though he was a bit confused when she stood up, walking over to where her purse was, digging through it like someone on a mission.
“Well Yamamoto mentioned Kuroo, he was captain when you were, and wanted this passed on to you.” She handed him a business card.
It took him a minute to realize what was being said, his eyes scanned the card noticing that it was Kuroo’s card from the Japan Volleyball Association. “Kiyoko…”
“Before you say what I know you are, just think about it.” She reached over the table, squeezing her hands over his. “Meeting for coffee never hurt anyone, right?”
He knew she was right; how long could he stay hung up on someone who effortlessly walked out of his life multiple times? And from what he could remember Kuroo was handsome and deep down it felt nice that after all these years someone was still interested.
“I’ll think about it.”
* *
December 2022
The light it off when Daichi pushes open the door, he had gotten off work a bit early since tomorrow was Christmas Eve and was eager to get home to Suga. There was this bubbliness in him as he thought about watching Suga open his gift because Daichi couldn’t wait until tomorrow, three weeks had been long enough to keep the secret.
He drops his bag by the door, slipping out of his shoes before he flicks on the light and when he did, something felt off. “Koshi?”
There’s no response, no sound in reply, nothing. He starts looking through the apartment, noticing the apartment feel cold, even with the heat on. That there was an emptiness in each room that he walks into. Then it hits him, he starts running through the rooms again, realizing that Suga’s stuff is all missing.
His toothbrush and skin care items are missing from the bathroom, his teacher theme mugs aren’t in the kitchen and the dresser and closet, both left open, are now half full, only Daichi’s stuff remaining. He tries to calm himself, fingers running through his hair as he tries several times to call Suga.
“We’re sorry you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again.”
He looks at the coffee table, noticing brown fabric and a yellow square. It’s Suga’s sweater, the one he claimed he’d never give Daichi back and a post-it that simply said ‘I’m sorry”. He pulls the sweater to his chest, tears blurring his eyes, the ring box in his pocket suddenly feeling heavier than it had all day.
Oh I could be
Anything you need
As long as you don’t leave
The cut that always
m.list | likes, comments, reblogs are always appreciated!
This is a DaiSuga angst drabble and I am so sorry. I just had to get the idea out.
It had worked out so well for Asahi. Suga held his tears as he clenched the button tighter in his palm. It was supposed to work out well for him.
The team joked about Sugamama and Dadchi. Asahi and Noya used the two's communication and relationship to help build their own. Even Ukai and Takeda had mentioned it seemed like Daichi and Suga had been married for decades.
So why?
Why was Michimiya beaming in delight as Daichi handed her his second button?
Why was Suga left trying to crush the useless button of his own?
The two both blushing heavily, the happy couple of Karasuno.
A warm, heavy hand sat on his shoulder. A small pair of arms wrapped around his waist as he felt a head nuzzle into his chest.
'He's an idiot, Suga-san.'
It didn't matter much. His heart was splitting in two. But he had Asahi. He had Nishinoya.
Synopsis: High school sweethearts turned sour due to broken promises dipped in sugar.
Contains: Angst, self-doubt, implied infidelity
Posted: 12/30/2020
Word count: 1,309
Haikyuu Angst Week Prompt List here.
Since his high school years, Koshi Sugawara had come to terms with the fact that he would never be special enough to become a priority. This started during the year he thought he would finally be a starter for the Karasuno volleyball club—his third year.
He did everything right. He practiced hard for three years. He perfected the motions. He waited for his time, but when it came it was handed to—no, stolen— by his junior. Little useless number two—the only third year warming the bench on a team with four first year starters. Suga, naive as he was, didn't see it like that though. His fellow teammates knew as well as he did: while he was a reliable, efficient, and passionate player, he simply just didn’t have that spark running through his bones.
Although there was one person in particular who seemed to have been blindsided by the simple fact. Daichi Sawamura was probably the only person in the whole world that disregarded Suga’s inferiority and loved him all the same. Daichi was the one person who, in spite of the world turning its back on Suga, promised him he’d always be his first choice.
Suga seemed to forget that telling lies was just as easy as telling the truth.
“Hello?” he spoke into the phone.
No reply.
It was strange. Suga should have hung up the phone—he knew this—but he stayed on the line nonetheless.
“Is anyone there?” he persisted.
“Daichi?” was what the person on the other line said. It was a feminine voice, light and breathy tones were heard in the single word that was uttered.
“He can’t come to the phone right now. Can I pass on a message?”
One. Three. Five. Seven seconds pass before another sound is spoken.
Not even a single syllable is made before the beginning hum of the dial tone is heard.
Confused, Suga returned the phone to where he picked it up from.
“Who was that?” Daichi said while walking out of the bathroom, hair wet and a towel wrapped snug around his waist.
“Not sure. They didn’t say their name,” the silver haired boy sheepishly smiled at him.
“Hm? Thats odd,” he walked over to the night stand where his phone lay atop and checked the person that called. For a split second, as his pupils grazed over the numbers, he went pale in the warm lighting of the room and his eyes widened ever so slightly, but just enough to insight a pang of panic in Sugawara’s chest.
“What’s wrong?” Suga had always been naturally attentive so it shouldn't have surprised Daichi as much as it did when he inquired about his peculiar expression.
“N-nothing!” he absentmindedly stuttered.
“Are you sure?” Suga reassuringly rest his hand upon Daichi’s bare shoulder, who shivered at his lover’s touch. The smaller boy instinctively retracted his hand in shock, “You’re acting weird, Daichi.”
“Sorry, babe, I just need to go make a call real quick,” he said while hurriedly throwing on sweatpants and a random t-shirt picked up from the floor.
That was the first time Suga’s heart beat just a little bit faster than usual in all the wrong ways.
Daichi’s absurd behavior began erratic—mood unpredictable—until a time came where Suga could hardly remember what being loved felt like anymore.
It started with him making excuses to leave the room, stolen glances as he left no longer having the same effect. Sugawara simply figured he had a lot to do at work—the late homecomings left him unbothered for that exact reason.
The distance between them grew at a slow, grueling, and consistent pace, the type that in the moment feels like nothing has changed at all, until you look in retrospect. The thing about Daichi was that it was almost professional—the way he held Suga with a loose tether wrapped around his finger; an illusion of freedom under the guise of protection. Suga wasn’t an idiot; he wasn’t the submissive little naive boy he was in high school. He simply loved the other so much that he continuously gave him the undeserved benefit of the doubt.
It was unsatisfying—the way Suga was given a mere taste of affection that left him pining for more. He didn’t want to be selfish though, since after all, it was Daichi doing him a favor by staying at his side.
Sugawara had always been a patient man. He very rarely lashed out in anger, and was infamously the most level-headed person one could come across, but after all these years of subordination, he was slowly reaching the breaking point.
It was a quiet Thursday afternoon on the fateful day that Daichi had accidentally left his phone at home. The sun shone warmly outside, covered in the thinnest veil of clouds—about twenty four degrees celsius. Some might have even called this a perfect day.
The clock read “3:45” when Sugawara opened the front door of his home—coming straight from work. He removed his shoes, put them in their place, and hung his keys up on the hook by the door. When he was walking towards the kitchen to get a glass of water, he noticed the device on the counter. He paused in his wake, about to take a half-step towards it, when he mentally slapped himself for even thinking about looking through it.
There was a gravitational pull boring into the back of his head—the feeling of the cold metal burning against his fingertips. This was his chance to put the voices in his head to rest. This was the chance to prove to himself that he should’ve never underestimated Daichi. He wanted his mind to be at ease. One little peak wouldn’t hurt, right?
As he set his glass down on the granite countertop, the ding of a text tone emitted from the phone. His heart stopped and his eyes darted towards the lit up glass. Dozens of messages littered the screen from an unknown number.
“What are you doing later tonight?”
“You’re not busy with work again are you?”
“Hey. I miss you.”
“Give me a call when you see this, baby.”
Hazel eyes glossed over as the pet name became the only thing he could see. He didn't even need to unlock the phone to get the gist of the situation.
Warm tears raced down his cheeks as he read more of the messages that were constructed only for his lover’s eyes.
“W-why?” a mere skeleton of a sound escaped his trembling lips.
The screen became increasingly blurry with the rivers streaming down his face and welling up on his lash line. He couldn’t help the insolent thoughts penetrating his skull—insecurity was second nature to him.
Head in a daze, time passed quicker than he thought. Sitting on the kitchen floor, the tile no longer stone cold, with his knees to his chest and his back against the wall, the door swung open.
Hm. That’s weird. Daichi’s home earlier than usual. Is what he thought. Maybe Daichi was afraid of Suga finding out the truth in his absence. Whatever his motive was didn't matter—the damage had already been done.
“Suga? What are you doing on the floor?” he said putting his things down.
All the silver haired boy could do was look up at him with red rimmed eyes.
“Hey, what’s wro—” Daichi cut himself off when his gaze fell upon his phone in Suga’s slender hands.
He had the same look about him as he did the first time he almost got caught. Pale skin, even in the moonlight, eyes the size of the moon.
Seeing his reaction was the last bit of confirmation Suga needed to snap. His expression was unreadable, emotion drained from his face, and piercing eye contact unwavering. A single tear fell from his left eye before he made another movement.
Pairing: DaiSuga, hint of TeruDai towards the end(?)
Words: 4236
Wattpad link: [X]
(A/N: Over Christmas break I found a YouTube video where someone made a list of all the Haikyuu!! characters and what their personal theme songs would be, and Suga’s happened to be “If Today Was Your Last Day” by Nickelback… so sit back and enjoy some DaiSuga angst. Sorry for all the song fics lately, but I’ve been listening to so many that I write scenarios on. Also, I’ll be calling Suga by his first name instead of his last in this story because I feel like it would fit the mood better.
I didn’t realize I would make this one-shot this long… oops.)
Daichi walked slowly and solemnly into the Miyagi Prefecture Hospital, a place he’s come to know too well over the last few months. He walked slowly, knowing that this would be the last place that he would have to come to this same place, for the exact same reason. He was scared to see this day come, and everyone had hope that it would never have to come down to this.
A light drizzle fell as soon as he exited his car, and while rain used to mean good things for the former volleyball captain, he had grown to hate it. At first, it had such a sweet meaning: every time it rained, something good was supposed to happen. Time had a way of changing that meaning for him. It rained the same day that the Karasuno Volleyball Club won the Spring High tournament; it rained the day he asked his high school sweetheart Koushi to marry him; it rained the same day they brought their baby girl into their family; it rained the same day they got the dreaded test results back; and now it’s raining on the day he says goodbye to the one who he made the sacred marriage vows with four years ago.
He remembered that day all too well. Daichi was finishing putting up the Christmas tree and Koushi was rocking baby Azumi (a name they chose because it rhymed with her godfather Asahi’s) to sleep in the rocking chair that Daichi’s grandmother gave to them as a baby shower present. They were having a lovely afternoon at home, well, as lovely as they could make it. Koushi knew something was wrong with him when he made a doctor’s appointment days before, and they were still waiting for the results of the test he took to come back. They weren’t too focused on that, though, because Christmas was coming up and both of them wanted to focus on being great parents to their daughter.
Then the phone rang. Daichi was right beside it so he was the first to answer, ignoring the caller ID and thinking it was one of their friends from their volleyball days. “Hello?” he answered, expecting to hear an over-excited Hinata or maybe even Tanaka calling about dinner plans. It was the doctor, presenting the tragic news. Koushi’s tests were worse than expected. He had cancer that was too far advanced to be stopped. He was given a maximum of six months left to live.
“Daichi? What’s wrong?” Koushi asked when Daichi finally hung up the phone silently.
“Suga-bear,” he barely muttered through growing tears, calling his husband by his favorite nickname. “I’m so sorry.” Daichi scooped up both Koushi and Azumi in his arms, the grey-haired man still confused. Hearing the news that Koushi was dying broke Daichi’s heart. Having to tell him was an even worse feeling.
And now here he was, on his way to say goodbye to his husband with their one-year-old daughter in his arms. While both of them were at peace with the situation, neither one of them could accept that that she was going to grow up without one of her fathers. Daichi spent nights lying awake, wondering how he would explain to her why she only had one parent. He had no intentions of remarrying and was worried about how he would handle being a single father. Koushi thought the same thing, almost feeling guilty for leaving his family behind.
Daichi walked up to the familiar door with his husband’s name on it and knocked once. He didn’t even know why he needed to knock, because all the nurses on this floor already knew who he was. “Hey, Suga-bear,” he greeted, walking into the room without waiting for an answer.
Koushi smiled and held out his hand. He was so calm and still smiling for a man who was almost at the end of his life. It’s just never been in his nature to show his sadness. “Hi, Dai-chan,” he responded weakly. Everything he said was a strain on his voice and he was hit with a coughing fit.
Daichi calmly walked to his side. “Shh, don’t hurt yourself, darling. What time did the doctor say he was coming back?”
“It’s 1:30 now, and he’ll be coming back at 4. So, I only have two and a half hours left.” Koushi had spent the last week or so in the hospital because his weakening health was too much for Daichi to take care of by himself, and he didn’t want to be a burden on him. He would have preferred to spend his last days at home with his family and friends, but the pain was too much to deal with and, with Daichi’s support, he made the decision to die on his own terms. His skin was pale and dry, his body was thin to the breaking point, and his hands were frail in Daichi’s firm ones. His hair became dry and patchy so he kept it shaved like Tanaka’s. He couldn’t walk without help and even talking was hard to do. The cancer had taken such a toll on him that he felt like he couldn’t even recognize himself.
Tears slipped down his cheeks at the thought of leaving Daichi, Azumi, and all of their friends on their way to say goodbye. He was dreading this day the most, and he didn’t even want to begin wondering what his loved ones were feeling. Daichi held Azumi on his lap while he wiped away Koushi’s tears with his free hand.
“Don’t cry, Suga-bear,” he begged, beginning to cry too. “I know you’re scared but we both know this is for the best. It would be selfish of me to keep you here like this anymore.”
“I know, Dai-chan, I just… I’m so sorry for doing this to you, and Azumi, and all of our friends too. Yeah, I’m scared, but I’m worried about you two and what’s going to happen to you.”
“Koushi, you know you don’t have to apologize for anything. This was something you couldn’t stop and we know that. Don’t worry about us, we’ve had their support for years and nothing’s gonna change that.”
Koushi stopped crying coughed again. “Daichi, can I… h-have some water?”
“Of course, anything. Do you want to hold Azumi?”
Koushi smiled and his face barely lit up. He held the little girl in his arms while Daichi poured some bottled water in a small cup. When he turned around, Koushi was crying again and holding Azumi close to him.
“A-Azu-mi,” he stuttered. “Papa loves you. N-never forget that, okay?”
Daichi could barely move forward as he watched what was going on in front of him. His mind went back to thinking about the future, when Azumi would be old enough to notice that something was wrong in their family. “Your papa Koushi was a fighter,” he thought to himself. “He was never a soldier but he had his own battles. And sadly, sometimes in life you don’t always win.”
“H-h-here’s your water, Suga-bear,” he said, handing Koushi the cup. Koushi nodded his head slowly in thanks and raised the cup up to his lips.
“So, I know I probably shouldn’t talk about this because of how short our time is now, but are you sure everything’s settled? You know, with the funeral and all?”
Daichi nodded. “Please, don’t worry yourself about that. We have everything taken care of. Let’s think about some of the good times, okay?”
Koushi smiled and nodded. He did that little thing he always did when he smiled, where he closed his eyes and even showed a little bit of his teeth. The cancer had taken everything except for that special little gleam in his eye. That was probably the thing Daichi loved about him the most, and definitely one of the things he would miss when he was gone.
So they talked, about everything except for the present. They talked about their high school dates, the little and big victories they had on the volleyball team, the way they were basically the parents to their younger teammates, and their all-time favorite memories of everything in between. For a few minutes, they forgot about everything around them. For that time, they weren’t in a lonely hospital room; they were cuddled in their bed while snow fell outside their window; they were at dinner with their friends, laughing and having a good time; they were in high school again, having weekend sleepovers and falling asleep during what they planned to be their “Netflix and chill” sessions that eventually turned into aggressive tickling. As far as they knew, they were anywhere but here.
Around 3:30, Daichi realized the time. “Should I go outside and tell everyone they can come in?”
Koushi nodded, still holding Azumi who fell asleep a long time ago. “Where did the time go, Daichi?”
Daichi smiled at Koushi’s attempt to brighten their mood, but more tears slipped down his cheeks as he legitimately started asking that question to himself. He left the room and walked down to the silent waiting room, where everyone was there. Daichi’s parents, Koushi’s parents, Coach Ukai, Takeda-sensei, Hinata, Kageyama, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Nishinoya, Asahi, Tanaka, Ennoshita, Narita, Kinoshita, and all of their senpais from the volleyball club were there. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room; even Tsukishima was tearing up.
“Hey everyone, we only have half an hour left and Koushi is ready to say his goodbyes.” The entire group followed him down the hall to Koushi’s room. Of course, his parents went in first, followed by Daichi’s parents. Everyone went in pairs: Coach and Sensei, Hinata and Kageyama, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, Nishinoya and Asahi, Tanaka and Ennoshita, Narita and Kinoshita, and the senpais. They each had great things to say to the dying setter.
Once the last person left the room, they only had five minutes until the doctor came back in and Koushi would take his last breath. Daichi got one last look at all of the faces around him, each showing a different degree of grief, before he went back in the room to comfort his husband.
“Thank you for coming out today. I know it means a lot to Koushi.”
“No problem, Daichi-san,” Asahi answered, holding Azumi in one arm and hugging Noya tighter than they’ve ever seen. “We’re a family, remember?”
Daichi smiled slightly. “Thank you. It’s almost time, so I’m going in now. I’ll see you all later.” Daichi left their family and friends in the hall while he went back to Koushi’s bedside. It was almost time for him to go.
“Are you ready?” Daichi asked, sighing and taking Koushi’s frail hand.
Koushi nodded and smiled. “I think I am now. Still doesn’t make this whole situation better though.” A single tear slipped down the side of his pale face. “I’m so sorry that it had to end this way, Daichi. ‘Til death do us part’ came a lot sooner than we were hoping, huh?”
Daichi chuckled lowly, but it was a hollow laugh as more tears flowed down his cheeks. When they took their wedding vows four years ago, they had their entire future planned out. They had their dream home already waiting for them and wanted to have at least two children there. They wanted to retire to a small mountain cabin and grow old together, on a big porch swing and watching the rest of their eventful life fade slowly. They made the agreement to be with each other in sickness and in health, and Daichi did his best to hold up to that vow.
“You know, Suga-bear. I was looking forward to the day that I would see your hair get even greyer than before. Now I have to do that alone.”
“No, no, you don’t,” Koushi interrupted. “I know you’re going to miss me but my death shouldn’t mean that you have to live the rest of your life alone. If someone comes along and you really like them, you should be happy with them. You deserve it Daichi. You’re a great man, a loving father, and an amazing husband, and someone else deserves the opportunity to see that in you. It would be selfish of me to have you all to myself even when I’m not around.” Koushi looked at the time and realize there was only one minute left. “Daichi, can you do me one last favor?”
“Of course, anything.”
“C-can you open the window for me? I want to see the sky one more time.”
“Of course. But be warned, it was raining when I came in earlier.” Daichi remembered the rain and how it used to make both of them feel. Now it’s only a reflection of the current situation. But when he opened the heavy curtains, he was surprised at what he saw. The rain had stopped a while ago and now the sun was poking through the clouds. Rays of sunlight hit the ground and a few strayed into the dark room. “Well, I didn’t expect that.”
Koushi chuckled quietly. “That’s where I’m going, Daichi. If you need anything from me, just look up and I’ll be there.”
Daichi hurried back to Koushi’s side right as the doctor walked in. “Are you ready, Mr. Sawamura?”
“Can I have one more minute? I haven’t said goodbye to my husband yet.”
“Sure, I still have to get ready myself.”
Koushi took Daichi’s hand again and looked him in the eye. “This is goodbye, Daichi, but I’ll see you again someday.” Koushi was the stronger of the two in this moment; he was the one wiping away Daichi’s tears.
“Will you wait for me over there, wherever it is?”
“Every day. Thank you for making this life worth living, Daichi. I would tell you that I owe you one but it’s a little too late for that.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Suga-bear. But can I at least have one more kiss?”
“Even with my face looking like this?”
“Of course, this is the face I fell in love with.” Koushi nodded with that little smile that everyone loved and closed his eyes, feeling Daichi press their lips together in the most tender kiss that they’ve ever shared. They’ve had plenty of kisses over the course of their relationship but this one held a different kind of meaning. It would be their last, and neither one of them was ready to let it go. “I love you, Sawamura Koushi, in all of your glory. No one will forget about you.”
The doctor started making his way over to the machines that were keeping Koushi alive as he returned the “I love you” to Daichi. “Goodbye, Daichi. Don’t let Azumi forget about me either.” The couple stared deeply into each other eyes as the doctor unplugged the machines that were keeping Koushi alive.
Then, in one second, Koushi closed his eyes and his hand went limp in Daichi’s. He had stopped breathing and there was still a smile on his face. He looked like he was finally peaceful, something he hadn’t felt in months.
“Goodbye, Suga-bear,” Daichi muttered to his husband’s lifeless body as he finally let him go. This was the end of their life together, and the start of his alone.
~~~
Daichi fastened the black tie on his matching suit in front of the mirror in the bedroom that he used to share with Koushi. It was silent these last few days, no laughter, no late-night pillow talks, not even the sound of Azumi crying in the other room. Hinata and Kageyama offered to take care of her while Daichi finished the funeral arrangements, so he hadn’t seen their daughter in almost three days.
It was raining again outside, like it was when Daichi went to the hospital for the last time three days ago. It had been three days since Koushi left and each day felt like a struggle to keep himself alive. He felt hollow and cold, like a part of himself was missing. And, in reality, it pretty much was. His husband was so much a part of his life for almost ten years that his absence felt like a part of Daichi’s existence had been taken from him.
Today, they were finally saying their goodbyes at a funeral fit for someone with as beautiful of a soul as Koushi. The ride to the chapel was quiet, with Daichi riding in the same car as his parents, his in-laws, and their siblings. Their team was meeting them there and he hadn’t seen any of them since he came out of Koushi’s room and announced his death. Daichi felt changed, like he wouldn’t be recognized as the same person in front of them. After all, he was a widower before the age of 30.
Daichi spoke softly and only said a few words when he greeted the visitors. They understood why and never questioned it. When Hinata gave him Azumi, Daichi burst into tears again. He was happy to see his little girl again, but heartbroken that she was at her parent’s funeral so young in her life. It’s not fair, he thought to himself, that such an innocent child should go through this. She would never meet or even have a memory of Koushi, and he would never get to watch her grow up. This wasn’t the way their life was supposed to go.
The service went by like a blur. Takeda-sensei gave the introduction and said a few words on Koushi’s behalf, then gave the floor to anyone who wanted to say a few words themselves. His family and a few of the teammates spoke and gave their favorite memories of him, then towards the end everyone’s undivided attention was given to Daichi.
“For the last three days, I’ve been struggling to find the right words to say that would do justice to how Koushi made me feel. He was my soulmate, and when he died I felt a piece of me go with him. When I first laid eyes on him our first-year of high school, I knew that I needed him in my life. I was scared because I didn’t know how he would react, but from the first moment that I scooped him up in my arms as my boyfriend, I knew we were going to have a beautiful life together. And we did, for as long as we could. On his dying day, he still had that loving gleam in his eye that comforted everyone around him, the same gleam that I fell in love with over ten years ago. Lately, I’ve thinking about how I would explain who he was as a person to our little girl when she grows up, and I have so many things to say on his behalf to keep his memory alive. His last wish was for me to let her know how much he loved her, and of course I plan on making that happen. I’m still having a hard time myself with coming to terms with his passing, but when I wonder why the good ones always die young, I remember a saying that my grandmother told me as a child. ‘When you walk through a flower garden, you always pick the most beautiful ones, don’t you?’ He was my angel on this earth, and now he’s an angel for the rest of eternity. Thank you all for coming out today. Koushi knew how much he was loved, so thank you for helping keep his spirit alive today.”
Daichi finished his speech and took his seat back in his spot as the last song played and Koushi was carried out of the chapel by the pallbearers, Asahi, Kageyama, Tanaka, and his older brother Teijo. It was one of his favorites, and also extremely appropriate for the day: “If Today Was Your Last Day”. He played it several times in the hospital on the day he died, and Daichi didn’t even object because he knew how much this song meant to him.
The rain stopped as soon as the funeral procession reached the graveyard near their house and Koushi was buried. The headstone was placed over the freshly-dug soil, and as everyone walked away Daichi took a seat on the ground beside it. He didn’t even care that he was still in his suit. He needed this moment.
Despite Kageyama trying to hold him back, Hinata walked up beside the mourning Daichi with Azumi. “Daichi-san, do you want me and Kageyama to take Azu home with us while you stay here?”
Daichi turned to the redhead with puffy eyes and shook his head slowly. “I’ll take her with me, Hinata. You guys have already done so much for me and I don’t want to burden you too much.”
“Daichi, you and Azu are far from being burdens, you know. We’re happy to help you out any time you need, okay?”
“Okay.” Daichi took his daughter back from Hinata and sat her on his lap, tracing the name carved in stone. “How did we get here so fast?” he mumbled to himself.
(Four years later)
“Are you ready to go visit your papa?” Daichi asked as he laced up his shoes. Azumi, now five-years-old, came running into the room with her hair in the braid that Asahi made for her. Even though she wasn’t related to either Daichi or Koushi, she still had the same grey hair, same wide-open smile, and even the same mole that her papa had.
Exactly four years after Koushi lost his fight to cancer, Daichi and Azumi were taking one of their three annual trips to visit his grave. Azumi knew from the moment she could speak that she was missing one of her parents, then she started asking the questions. She knew from then all about her papa, she’d seen all the pictures that Daichi had in a giant album, and the rest of the team told her their favorite stories of him.
Daichi tried living on his own after Koushi’s death but being a single father was harder than he thought. When Daichi reached his lowest point, Asahi and Noya offered to take them in to live with them and their children. The couple didn’t mind making the space for them; Asahi is a business man and Noya is a lawyer, and their house had more than enough for two more people. Daichi was thankful for the help, and Azumi loved playing with her cousins.
Time had a way of healing Daichi’s heart. The emptiness he felt faded after a while but he still thought about Koushi every day. A few months earlier, he finally decided to date again when he met a man named Terushima Yuuji, another ex-volleyball captain who’s a little bit of a rebel on the outside but loved Azumi like his own daughter and understood what Daichi had gone through. Like Daichi, Terushima was the single father of a son about the same age as Azumi, whose first wife died in a car accident when the boy was two. Of course he always believed that a piece of his older boyfriend’s heart belonged to his first husband, like a piece of his belonged to his wife. And that type of understanding was what made their relationship as strong as it was.
The car pulled up to the graveyard and Daichi helped Azumi out of her car seat. Unlike every other time when they came to visit, the sun was out and the day was hotter than usual. After a short walk into the open field, they reached the stone that bore the name Sawamura Koushi. Daichi sat down in the grass and Azumi sat on his lap.
“Hey there, Suga-bear, we’re back,” he started, talking as if Suga could respond to him. Azumi started talking to him too, she was so used to this tradition of theirs that sometimes they both forgot that she had no real memory of him.
Daichi and Azumi only visit this spot three days out of the year: June 13, Koushi’s birthday, October 28, their wedding anniversary, and May 20, the day that Koushi died at 28 years old. These days are the most special ones of the year, but after watching his husband lose his life at such a young age Daichi understood that any day could be his last. So he adopted the lyrics of Koushi’s favorite song to help him understand this crazy thing called life:
Daisuga and 7? About the angst... brING IT ON(ง'̀-'́)ง
Daisuga Fake relationship AU – angsty
(Sorry it’s so late! Also very unedited… I hope you have a great day!)
“So, I just pretend to be your boyfriend for the week and then we go home and everything is back to normal?” Suga asked, a little concerned about what he had agreed to. He took a sip of his coffee, hoping it would wake him up. The coffeeshop was pretty empty so the usual cheerful bustle wasn’t there to wake him up at all.
“Yeah, pretty simple. I’m sorry about dragging you into this, but since me and Kuroo broke up like a week before I’m supposed to take a boy home to meet my family… I don’t know I just don’t want them to spend the whole week fussing and worrying.” Daichi smiled easily, not showing any of the conflicting emotions that were wrestling in Suga’s own heart.
“It’s no big deal, what are best friends for after all?” Suga said with a too-wide grin.
He wanted to puke. This seemed like it could be fun at first, like a chance to win his best friends heart but as it drew closer the more awful it seemed. Like all he would get is confirmation that Daichi would never care about him as anyone more than a friend.
Not to say that Suga didn’t value their friendship as it was, because he did. It was the only thing that kept him bottling everything up over the past three years. He would not ruin the closest friendship he’d ever had. He wouldn’t dare let this stupid crush ruin it.
Though, admittedly, it had been three years and this crush didn’t seem to be fading at all. Three years with not so much as a hint that Daichi might feel the same way.
It shouldn’t bother him this much. People had unrequited crushes all the time, everyone else managed to get over them and live their damn lives without agreeing to pretend to be their unrequited crushes boyfriend for a weekend. Suga was pretty sure no one else was that stupid.
Daichi grinned and replied earnestly, “You’re the best. I’ve gotta run though, I’ll see you at the airport tomorrow?”
“Yep, bright and early.” Naturally, what could be the worst week of his life would start bright and fucking early.
Daichi left and Suga stayed at the coffee shop awhile longer.
They met at the airport and Suga’s dread was at an all time high. The second they landed, they would pretend to be dating. That means stuff like holding hands, and hugging and kissing and sharing a room with Daichi. Which would be a literal dream come true if it were real but now just seems like getting a taste of something completely unattainable, and inevitably having it be ripped away.
They got off the plane after an uneventful flight and Daichi spotted his family pretty easily and Suga was barely resisting running away.
“Ooh! Sugawara! I didn’t realize it was you who was the mysterious boyfriend!” Daichi’s mom giggled, she turned to Daichi and scowled, “You could have just told me it was Suga, I’m not the kind to forget the person who was your best friend all through high school you know.”
Daichi smiled sheepishly, “Yeah, yeah, I know. We haven’t been dating for very long so..”
“..So you were still unsure if it would go well? I mean, I always figured you two might end up together so I’m not sure why you were so silly about it.” She laughed.
Suga’s mouth went dry. Great. Daichi’s mom thought we would have been a cute couple even back in high school. If her son shared the same feelings I’d be much happier right now.
Suga’s chest felt tight as he muddled through greetings. Suga just put on a brilliant smile and no one seemed to notice the way his smile was just a little forced.
“Hey, are you alight?” Daichi asked him softly.
Suga nearly jumped out of his skin he was so surprised, “What? Yeah, of course. Just tired from the flight I guess.”
“Mmhm. You seem a little off, when we get back to the house you can take a nap before dinner if you want.” Daichi suggested.
“Yeah, that sounds pretty nice.”
Daichi did notice things, and he did care about Suga a lot. It would be easier to fall out of love with him if he wasn’t so kind, if he didn’t care so much about Suga. He cared, but not in the way Suga wanted him to, and it was tearing Suga’s heart to shreds.
It was strange. All of it was very strange.
Because his heart fluttered when Daichi would take his hand even though he tried to convince it to calm. You don’t have a chance.
Stranger still was the casual contact of an arm on his back when they walked to a restaurant with Daichi’s family. You don’t even have a chance with Daichi, it’s not real. The quick peck on the lips in the kitchen so his mom would stop eying them after she said “Don’t you two ever do anything like a couple?” the night before. It’s not real, this isn’t real. Daichi’s hands are calloused. Suga didn’t notice that until his fingers held his face as he kissed him. It’s not real. You don’t really have a chance. Suga’s face burned bright red, Daichi barely seemed flustered. See? It’s not real.
Most bizarre was waking up next to Daichi, even though they were on different mats. This will never happen again, he will never wake up next to you after this week ends. It was strange and heartbreaking to wake up a few minutes before Daichi did and see his sleeping face just a few inches away from where Suga himself had just woken up. For this week only, never again. It’s not real. Daichi’s eyelashes were longer than Suga had realized.
Suga called it strange because keeping it foreign meant he wouldn’t get used to it. So he wouldn’t go home and wake up alone, his sleepy mind wondering where Daichi was. He didn’t dare get used to it. Not waking up beside him, not holding hands or quick morning kisses or teasing from Daichi’s mom. Suga acted the part, though it seemed his face was red for most of the week. Every time Daichi kissed him, elation flowered in his chest, quickly followed by the ache of dread. It’s not real. In private, Daichi acted the same as he always did. He even apologized for kissing him. See? He didn’t want to kiss you, this isn’t real.
None of this is real.
And they went to the airport on Monday, Daichi’s mom ruffled Suga’s hair fondly and sent them back off to Tokyo. They sat next to each other on the plane, claimed their luggage and then went home to their separate houses.
Suga went home and left his luggage on his bedroom floor and went to sleep.
When he woke up, his eyes bleary and his mind barely awake, he wondered if Daichi had gotten up earlier than him for once.
And then a cold, dark feeling settled under his ribs.
