#damndepression

[foolishwreck]

Gimme attention

For once my urgent need to make my current depressive episode the center of everything has been overshadowed by my want to be there for others. Maybe I am recovering. Maybe it's because I'm a mom now.

For days my intrusive thoughts (Jessica) get louder and clearer and I don't feel like my medical professional team is really behind me. Maybe I'm a pathetic excuse for a human and that's why I feel they just don't understand. This thought is constant: Maybe I'm not trying my hardest and everyone thinks I'm useless and wasting time and space.

With PPD I got an actual diagnosis of 'moderate' anxiety. It's months later andwhat do I do now with the fact I break down anytime I try to take a class? What about the nearly constant threat my brain keeps telling me is a panic attack around the corner? Because it's only 'moderate', I suppose I need to self manage. I feel I'm supposed to do it all on my own if I want any dignity or self pride in my life.

[notawordtome]

**These Spirals Are Getting Me Down**

Church was hard this morning. I spent half the time lost in thought and the other half trying not to cry. I'm better now, but it was tough getting through... Florizel sat with me after service and talked to me. The look in his eyes..he looked so sad. He worries about me and it's so hard to explain what's going on in my head. He told me "I wish you could see what I see. It's not as crazy as you make it out to be." I wish it was easier to explain how I felt...but you actively try. It pains me when you look so sad...you love me so much and I love you just as much. I just hate being this big a burden...you claim I'm not one so...okay. What I hate the most is going through a time like that, only for my brain to flip a switch and say "Okay! All better!" As if none of what I cried and obsessed over just a minute or two before didn't matter anymore. I hate my brain when it does that. It makes it look like I just seek attention. I don't. I hate crying, I hate being at the mercy of my own brain, the brain I have the rest of my life and have to tame and control in order to keep it from making me crazy. I hate it so much. But for now, I will try to relax and enjoy the evening. I have the best family, church family and friends and that will help see me through (yes, Florizel counts as family). I love you all to the moon and back. You all...are amazing. Off I go. Hopefully a better post next time.

[aubreykathryn]

The countdown: 9 more days

Sensory overload is probably one of the worst PTSD symptoms I experience. I've seldom felt crazier than when too many things are making noise at once and I have to go sit in a quite room just so I can breath again. It's especially fun when you're in a environment where no one knows/can know you have PTSD. *9 more days at home* I'm not sure I can do this.

[aubreykathryn]

Wilby

This week I got a puppy. Started studying for the GRE. Had a decent amount of social interaction. Life was relatively normal for this college kid...and now I have to remember my shitty past in two days. Why.

[aubreykathryn]

I have a prophets exam tomorrow I just sat through a performance that triggered me to dissociate and I was gone for a while. Immediately following, I then tried to navigate a crowd of people to get free food. I flipped my shit and am now in bed underneath my covers trying to convince myself that I haven't lost my mind and that I am actually here. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I do anything normal anymore? I'm supposed to be feeling, but screw feeling if it means I actually can't function. College doesn't permit me to have emotions, which means I have to get rid of them.

[aubreykathryn]

PTSD

We had a speaker in crisis intervention counseling. She spoke about her symptoms and her experience overcoming it. She talked about how God freed her. These kind of conversations are the worst for me to hear.

[aubreykathryn]

No matter how much I reason with myself to change the distorted thought, the distorted emotion leaves it's ugly residue all over me. My moods really need to get with the fucking program already.

[aubreykathryn]

I am so sick of myself

I am literally nauseous. What the fuck. Why can I just be normal?