#danara.txt

[damagaratsa]

lil doodle from today. was journaling in the library bc i was skipping class and the alternative was hurting myself more :l

[damagaratsa]

these days i really just want to disappear. not in a kms sense but a ghost sense. i wanna see what people do when i’m not around.

edit: ohhhh i wanna be a witness that’s the word that popped up in my head

[damagaratsa]

when i accidentally stained or tore my clothes at school as a kid, my reaction would range from bawling to almost completely unresponsive.

mami will be mad she’s going to be so mad

i wonder what my teachers thought about that. honestly. i just want to know.

[damagaratsa]

oh boy what a day. it’s quite the day today. this day really is something today huh? what a day to be having today. can’t wait for tomorrow to be another today, a day like any other day, just like every other day.

[damagaratsa]

keeping up with my hygiene is hard for me. when i was little my mom always told me i was disgusting but she never taught me how to take care of myself. just another one of her power plays that has followed me into adulthood.

i feel like i can’t wash away the filth no matter how hard i try. i’m always scared that i smell bad and i need a couple feet of space at all times to feel okay. physical contact is hard and it takes a long time to be comfortable with a specific person touching me.

i dont think i’ll ever accept my body. i’m sorry.

[damagaratsa]

everything about me is wrong. i’m dirty and manipulative and i lie all the time. my face doesn’t match my heart. looking into the mirror, i don’t recognize the face as mine. it’s too big. or too small. too much.

will anything i say have any meaning?

she should’ve killed me a long time ago. i don’t care about her but the world? it should be safe

my friend says she recently prayed her uncle wouldn’t be deported and that she’s glad it worked, because he’s a good man and God takes care of His children

if you have prayed for me back then, would i be any different? would He have noticed me then? or was it just me

i find the answers i’m looking for but i don’t believe them at all so what’s the point

did i bleed? i see scars i don’t recall getting and i need to know where they’re from

anyone can write what i’m writing. i don’t exist in the words anymore than i exist at all

[damagaratsa]

earlier i had a realization out of nowhere that i think about hurting myself every day. like i've gotten so used to the thought that i forgot that it's. not normal. concerning. probably not good. anyway last week i told my psychiatrist that i've never felt better—

[damagaratsa]

we talked a lot about our abuser today. N's mother died and she just got back from the funeral so i guess she was feeling. bad. about us not liking ours for once i didn't dominate the conversation. i just kinda stared at my plate. my dad called my name several times and i had to fake nonchalance ever single time.... the last time i saw her kept getting in the way of the present today was a Bad day