Let's talk about identity for a bit; I saw this tweet that made me think--
Over the past decade and a half, I've been consistently creating, writing, and having commissions done for wlw and mlm relationships. For most of my life, I had never done enough introspection as to why I always seem to think about these fictional scenarios as often as I did. The first real catalyst for me starting my journey into deciphering my own identity started when I figured out I was bi about a decade ago...
When I (a male) first realized that I had fallen in love with another man, I did not feel shame. I did not feel fear. I only felt what I could only describe to be "euphoria." It was an entire eureka moment for my life. This peeled back so many inconsistencies that I had learned from religious institutions and cyclic familial biases. This made me want to build more bridges with other folk, understand where others were coming from, and I became such a dramatically different person from my teens as a result. That was a decade ago.
Since then, I've continued to create and write about queer people, queer relationships, queer aspirations and ideals. Heading into the 2020s, the concept of being trans became more and more visible in and around my life. And it's been even more recently that I've started to articulate my queer preferences with my own identity. To say that being trans 'crossed my mind' would be an understatement.
I've done the research, I've chatted with trans friends, I've sat and listened to various stories from other individuals, and I would even attempt at great lengths to envision myself as a woman. Yet, I still didn't feel a eureka moment--not a 'click' that made sense. If anything, there was an absence of feeling. This was a strong contrast to when I found out that I was bi so long ago.
What most transfolk have told me was that "body dysphoria" was a key part of the trans experience (and any of y'all can speak up on your experiences as well). It's been described as distress, unease, and a complete unhappiness with how one looks--when they look into the mirror and what they see. It's something much more innate, more intrinsic to a person's being, than many who aren't trans may realize. And yet, I don't think I've felt this. At least, what I have felt is something I haven't quite found the right words for yet.
A trans friend put it into perspective when they talked about "body euphoria" or finding a certain look or identity that gives you validation/confidence/pride in oneself.
In fact, many years ago, a childhood friend drew a female version of my entire friend group, and it got me thinking--
"Wow! I look cute!" I thought.
"Wait... do I want to be cute?" And suddenly, silence.
The more I contemplate this silence in my head, the more a growing part of me wants to rip out the--sometimes literal, sometimes abstract--constraints that bind down gender identity by its roots. That, or fully leave them behind to find something *else*. Something *other*.
Because, see, I've felt this 'euphoria' some days; letting my hair grow out long, then getting my hair cut, sometimes with facial hair, sometimes fully shaved, I like putting on a suit and being sleek and slim, and other times I might wear nothing at all and simply absorb what I was, skin and all. I compare what I look like, what feels good to me, to what broader society or culture might idealize--perpetuate--in a man and in a woman, and something doesn't connect. Let me clarify, there are things about both genders that excite me, get my blood pumping (this is the bisexual talking), but the qualities that I might like and adore in 'others' are still not quite 'me.' As it stands, that 'euphoria' is a mysterious beast that has continued to elude me.
But who knows. One day, it might all make sense to me, and you will see me as a fully realized man or woman or something else. Something *other*. Until then--
Is this what it feels to be "nonbinary?" If so, this is where I will stay. For now.