#danhengkin

[fictionkinfessions]

Please post tonight if you can, MPC. I apologize for the late notice (and a happy new years to you as well).

Happy New Year to all those I met on my travels, and especially to the Astral Express crew. I hope the next year brings you all unimaginable joy and prosperity. I am excited to see where our adventures lead us, and more so to see my companions once more. Don’t forget to eat your grape at midnight! — Dan Heng (#💉🔱)

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[fictionkinfessions]

recently found a certain roleplay blog of myself. or, specifically, my past self. and. i. didn't expect to feel so called out by it.

although i'm sure they're doing their best and just having fun, the overwhelming majority of fandom creations about me are so inaccurate it makes me wonder if their creators even played the same game. but the posts from this blog felt like they just reached into my mind and brought out thoughts and experiences i hadn't even realized i'd had until i saw them described.

it's interesting how they could do that with nothing but part of a nation's lore, a few readables, and some specific people's vague memories. how they just managed to... guess all these things that in source were erased and lost to time, that it took me a long time to remember myself.

but i'm wondering more about why they even wanted and tried to, if that makes sense? that part of my existence was meant to be just backstory, the "before", while the "after", how i ended up, was clearly what players were supposed to prioritize. one of the main points of that narrative was even not to stay bound to the past, and how the future you choose is more important. and i chose not to define myself as that anymore.

but someone, multiple people, still cared. they still thought "i want to tell that story, even if there isn't a lot, even if it already ended." even if they usually don't get it right.

i don't... really know where i'm going with this, or what emotion i'm trying to express here. it's not like i'm deeply eternally grateful to them for even daring to care, or anything– those parts of me could have stayed forever only for myself to know or think about, and it would've been fine. even better in some ways. i guess i'm just. surprised that they didn't? that people still see me as a person, after everything?

- dan feng / dan heng from honkai star rail

(i guess. i personally don't think i would even put the former name there; it's just my old one, then i changed it, so it simply doesn't refer to me anymore. but if i'm talking about the time i was a high elder, that's what people refer to that "me" as–)

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[fictionkinfessions]

Thinking back on parts of the Xianzhou quest is funny to me because at some point I say something along the lines of “Baiheng…? Why is that name so familiar?” despite my current name being Dan HENG. I know it’s like a choice by the game to show Bailu and I are two halves of Baiheng’s legacy (well, her reincarnation in Bailu’s case), but unless the game explains the name was chosen for me rather than by myself, that scene makes me look so dumb. “Who’s this lady I named myself after?” Be so real. — Dan Heng (#💉🔱)

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[fictionkinfessions]

Having extremely detailed memories about the specifications of the anatomy and general biology of my species is fun and cool and nice, but realistically what am I going to do with this knowledge? I can’t try to find sourcemates by asking them if they want to hear about vidyadhara genitalia now can I? — Dan Heng (#💉🔱)

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[fictionkinfessions]

welcome aboard the express, sunday. i hope you find what you're looking for on your journey.

but also, i'm not trying to sound pushy or make a choice for you or anything, but let it be known that "i'll stay temporarily, just for a while until i figure out where i want to go next" that's how it always starts out. and you Think you've decided that for certain. but then that's how they Get you.

so all this to say, i won't be surprised if you never end up leaving, as long as you know we'll all accept you. good luck with march and caelus (or stelle), you will Need It lol.

- dan heng (honkai star rail)

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[fictionkinfessions]

a lot of people characterize me as the "babysitter" or "responsible one" of the Astral Express trio and while that isn't necessarily wrong I want it to be known that I was absolutely just as unhinged as everyone else on that ship - Dan Heng (Honkai Star Rail)

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[fictionkinfessions]

When Bailu and I would spend time together, she would beg me to teach her cloudhymn and general combat skills, insisting in return she taught me Vidyadhara healing practices. It felt silly to try knowing what I did, and the concepts with hard for us both to fully grasp, but we both made… some progress in our respective fields eventually. She was never going to be General Jing Yuan’s replacement by any means, but I became significantly less paranoid that if she was ambushed, she’d stand no chance. I was likely never going to heal wounds at the capacity she could, nor have any natural calling towards medicine, but I learned how to repair my own smaller wounds (with cloudhymn, I knew how to do so otherwise) and gained more general medicine knowledge. She was so persistent, working herself into exhaustion to be better than she was the day before, which meant most of our “lessons” ended with lunch and a nap.

At some point, her moves would get sloppy, her chances of even channeling cloudhymn dwindled greatly, and she became snippy, and I’d knew she needed a break. It’d take some time to convince her, but eventually she’d cave and join me at the edge of Dragonvista Rain Hall for lunch— usually we grabbed something from Aurum Alley beforehand, but sometimes I’d bring something I’d made on the express for her. Sometimes she’d poke fun at me for wanting to eat in front of the statue, but the view from the top of the stairs was unbeatable. After our first session, I brought a blanket to put on the ground and a pillow, as she’d eat, the exhaustion would fully catch up to her, and she’d fall asleep right there on the ground (reminds me of someone else). I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable, hence the pillow.

She always looked so peaceful.. Sometimes, she’d curl up so tight into herself, hold her tail and snore so loud it was hard to believe she was a child, haha. I always wondered what it was like for her while she slept, since she didn’t have the traditional Vidyadhara dreams, but never bothered to ask. I was worried she’d tell me about something and it would be a snippet of Baiheng’s memories. I never fully knew if Bailu realized who she had been, or even if she cared, but I’d like to think she had some inkling of it. If she ever got ahold of the full story, I’d hope she’d understand, maybe forgive me, but I was too cowardly to bring it up to her myself and knew better than anyone that the past could be a burden more than a blessing at times.

I wonder if it would make her happy to know she hadn’t changed much personality wise (and appearance really. If I had known Baiheng as a child, I would assume Bailu would just be child Baiheng as a Vidyadhar). I miss her. I hope wherever she is, she’s happy and knows her sort-of-dad-sort-of-older-brother loves her. — Dan Heng (#💉🔱)

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[fictionkinfessions]

I knew it was coming, but seeing Cloud Piercer broken is making me feel a lot of ways— vulnerable, overwhelmed with grief and loss. People keep talking about how much “Dan Feng” wouldn’t like it, but I think they forget I am Dan Feng. I remember the importance of the weapon and it’s never lessened for me, watching it snap was the worst feeling in the world. Mourning for a weapon is silly, but for a while it’s all I had of him. — Dan Heng (#💉🔱)

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