Frenchie’s Bachelor Recap: Week 5
The episode begins with the latest installment in the Corinne and Taylor show, because the producers know Taylor is going home this week and they’re trying to milk this for ALL it’s worth before that. I imagine the other women are off camera somewhere taking shots every time one of these drunk 23 year-olds says the word “mature”. The argument is intercut with clips of Corinne violently swishing around a flute of champagne like some kind of drunk socialite in the midst of her talking head. She’s so ridiculous, I love it.
After the fight, Corinne immediately goes to Nick to tell him what happened, showcasing behavior similar to that of a 7 year-old who just fought with a sibling. Nick, bastion of maturity that he is, listens for about 30 seconds before tuning her out and just staring at her boobs instead. At one point he actually says “that’s really mature of you” before sticking his tongue in Corinne’s mouth. These two deserve each other, honestly.
At the rose ceremony, Astrid and Sarah get sent home. Not really surprised about Astrid, but Sarah was cute. Whitney is still there despite not having spoken a word to anyone since arriving on the show, as is Josephine who at this point I think is just there for the free booze. I’m waiting for her to trip out on Xanax and start talking to a plant or something, a la Ashley S.
Their next stop is New Orleans, which seems like a good place to exploit local cultural traditions for ratings. The first date is a one-on-one with Rachel, who is so hot and chill and wayyy too good for Nick, although they do seem to have a real thing going. They participate in a second line parade in which Rachel demonstrates some pretty sweet dance moves and Nick awkwardly bobs behind her and tries not to get a boner. The other women spot them from the window of their hotel room and take turns crying between sips of wine.
Nick describes his chemistry with Rachel as “the most of explosive of all the women on the show”, which feels like something he’s probably said about every woman he’s ever met. What vibe does Nick give off in person that makes women want to sleep with him? He has the diction and sex drive of a 15 year-old discovering porn for the first time.
The group date is next, and the only people left off are Rachel and – surprise! – Corinne and Taylor, which means they will be going on a 2-on-1 date later in the episode. I wonder if the producers were involved in making this decision at all?
For the group date, they spend the night in a haunted mansion. It is apparently haunted by a little girl who has lost her doll, which is fitting for a group of people who have lost their dignity. Fortunately for the group, Raven is there and is able to enlist the help of Jesus Christ himself in keeping the ghosts at bay. I mostly am just curious about how the spirits reacted to the presence of a full camera crew in their home.
In the midst of being stalked by a child ghost and screaming whenever the lights flicker, Nick finds time to have some really deep and meaningful conversations with the women. He and Danielle L keep up their streak of smiling and saying “yeah” to each other in lieu of talking about actual topics. He also chats with Danielle M, although they mostly just scratch each other’s arms in what seems like some sort of weird mating ritual. Meanwhile, Raven very casually reveals the moment she “fell in love” with Nick – I actually missed what she said but I did not miss that it’s approximately day 15 and she needs to chill.
Nick ends up giving the group date rose to Danielle M, which is a bold move considering Raven’s history with assaulting men who scorn her. I sort of feel like whenever Nick gives the rose to one of the Danielles, he just picks a random initial to tack on to the end and then hopes for the best.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Taylor and Corinne are preparing for the sudden death match that will be there 2-on-1 date. Predictably, Taylor can be found meditating in a sports bra surrounded by a bunch of candles like the pretentious asshole she is. Corinne, on the other hand, puts on a fluffy robe and orders $500 worth of room service, probably because they didn’t have cheese pasta and cucumber slices on the menu. But who am I kidding, I would 1000% be Corinne in this situation.
The 2-on-1 date begins, and it turns out they are going to the bayou for a fun day of alligator sightings and eating in the middle of a swamp. They also participate in some sort of voodoo ritual that undoubtedly obliterates everything that is sacred about voodoo traditions. In her one-on-one with Nick, Corinne plays the “Taylor bullied me” card while probably giving him a hand job off camera. Taylor tries to stand up for herself but it’s a lost cause – Nick and his penis are more interested in bouncy castles than psychotherapy.
Not surprisingly, Corinne gets the rose and she and Nick cruise off into the sunset while Taylor is left behind to wander the swampland and probably be eaten by alligators. Corinne manages to hold herself back from squealing with glee at having defeated her arch nemesis Taylor, but judging by the look on her face while she’s on the boat, it’s a near thing. Make America Corinne again.
Taylor finds her way back to the voodoo ceremony, which evidently has been going on this whole time, and is imbued with the determination to go find Nick and try to win him back from Corinne (or maybe she just wants to get back to dry land and take a shower). Good luck girl – unless you pick up a boob job and a sex addiction on the way, I think you’re gonna take the L on this one.
