#darius-ism

[pansyofaman]

I'm standing in a corner just like when you tried to ride me and it was one of the best days of my life

[pansyofaman]

I calmed down when mommy got home and i hate it

[pansyofaman]

Plurality horror was 2 years ago when i couldn t remember an entire month of speaking to one guy or even who had feelings for him first NOR who is having feelings for him currently and i think it was so overwhelming that i just forgot about it in a week and that s it

[pansyofaman]

Someone s having a theory and they don t know if to share it and that someone is me

[pansyofaman]

I've never felt more violated than when i read comments like this (and i have been sexually harrassed too!)

It just reads like some type of conversion therapy shit, you can t trust your feelings. If you make me imagine being into sth that i m not into, constantly, then i m just gonna feel like puking and ripping apart my insides.

There s no worse feeling that someone telling you what you should be attracted to, and telling you that your enjoyment (attraction) is not actual enjoyment.

[pansyofaman]

Trying to use those artificial tears like the doctor told me but i m yet again proved that it may not be a good idea - my eyes do feel worse.

I told a doctor this and he told me to push thru for 2 weeks or sth, that artificial tears can t hurt your eyes - and me not wanting my eye condition to get worse, i pushed through

But i don t think it s gonna work pff

I m gonna try compresses more cuz before, i feel like maybe they were too hot or too cold to work appropiately, and also i did not keep them on my eyes enough

And i m gonna go back to the doctor who actually prescribed me the artifical tears and the compresses - she s genuinely the only one who gave me a diagnosis for the treatment - it s appaling to me how so many doctors gave me a supposed treatment without telling me what it s for - she was also the one who told me that i should monitor my glicemia to see if i there s a spike when i m having more bluriness or otherwise uncomfortable eye symptoms

Good news is: i had a health crisis (they re quite common unfortunately, and greatly impair my functioning) on friday. I went to family doctor and it did feel humiliating arriving there

She is a mean woman

But i did tell her why i don t visit her and what i think and while she did believe that it s just my wrong opinion that she s disgusted/dislikes me (it s not really like that; this woman would ask me about jobs or comment on my weight everytime i went there - not only it wasn t her business at some point, after she gave me said advice once, but she did quite literally shame me and said i should “take responsibility/believe it s my fault for being fat and not having a job yet”), just the thought that she knows how i feel changed sth - it made me feel like it s safer now to go there

I told her about the health hazard at home and she said she d talk to my parents

I also said that i do have health crisis quite often and idk what to do, cuz google says everything i have is a crisis, and she said that i should go to her

I also managed to ask her to not make fun of me if she sees sth as a minor issues, but i didn t know

[pansyofaman]

Ughhh i m so filled with RAGE

But at least i got my blood tests done

[pansyofaman]

I feel like i may have created my own hellish landscape altho idk how reliable this evidence is

(i don t mean that i created all my problems, but some)