The Darkness
Today was a bad day, not because anything major happened or I had bad news or for any other rational reason. Today was just bad. Call it what you like, the black dog, the dark cloud, SAD, but today I could not get away from it. No matter what I did, I was carrying around the urge to punch just about everyone in the face, the anxiety eating away at my tummy and that voice telling me that I can’t cope. Today sucked.
I am a fairly logical person so I try to decipher my feelings, in order to overcome them. I’ve come to the conclusion that being a single Mum in a relationship, is actually harder for me than just being a single Mum. I can’t help but have these unfair expectations of my partner, but I will not ask for help, instead I just expect him to know that I just need him to watch Ivy for 30 minutes while I shower alone for once. I expect him to know that despite my saying ‘yes stay home and watch the football’, I actually want him to come out for a walk with us or better yet, just take Ivy out for an hour so I can breathe!!!! I expect! I expect a lot of unfair things and often they lead to me then not appreciating the things I don’t expect, like the little lie in I had this morning when my partner got up with Ivy or the ice cream he went and bought to cheer me up. Expectations are often a bad thing.
As a totally single Mum, I know it’s all on me and I can deal with that. My hate to be reliant on anyone else is not a problem then, but having someone there for me actually makes my anxiety worse, I think. I really need to stop fighting myself, being determined to always be so fiercely independent.
To be fair, on days like today, it could have been anyone that I was depositing my darkness onto, he was just the one here in the firing line. On days like today I know better than to have company, I know to be alone, well, alone with Ivy at least. Ivy never gets my darkness, somehow her innocence makes it impossible to give her anything but light. Even on days like today when her bedtime can’t come soon enough, I still adore her. She still makes me smile, she is the light that never goes out for me.
I know tomorrow won’t be as dark, and I know no matter what storms I throw at him, my partner will still be here tomorrow waiting for the sunshine to come back out and Ivy, my light, will still be as bright as ever tomorrow, but sometimes, some days, why is it just so hard?
