Simul Justus Et Peccator
I suppose this might be a strange post, considering I haven't posted in a while, but this is a subject matter close to my heart. In reading this prayer I was brought to tears. The openness and honesty displayed in this heartfelt prayer, by the French priest Michael Quoist, is something so inspiring I had to post about it. ---------------------------------------------- The prayer: I have fallen, Lord, once more. I can't go on and I'll never succeed. I'm ashamed and I don't dare look at you. And yet I've struggled Lord, for I knew you were right near me bending over me, watching. But temptation blew in like a hurricane and, instead of looking at you, I turned my head away and stepped aside while you stood silent and sorrowful, like the squirmed fiancée who sees his loved one carried off by his rival. When the wind had died down as suddenly as it had arisen, when the lightening ceased after proudly streaking the darkness, all of a sudden I found myself alone, ashamed, disgusted with my sin in my hands. This sin that I selected, as a customer selects his purchase. This sin that I paid for but cannot return, for the store keeper is no longer there. This tasteless sin, this odious sin, this sin that now sickens me, which I once wanted, but I want no more. That I imagined, sought, played with, fondled for a long time, that I finally embraced by passing you. My arms outstretched, my eyes and heart irresistibly drawn, this sin that I've grasped and consumed with a gluttony. It's mine now, Lord, but it possesses me as a spider web holds captive the fly. It's mine and sticks to me. It flows in my veins and fills my heart. It has slipped in everywhere, as darkness slips into the forest at dusk and fills all the patches of light. Lord, I can't seem to get rid of it. I run from it like the master of an unwanted and mangy dog. But it catches up with me and rubs joyfully against my legs. Everyone must notice it. I'm so ashamed that I feel like crawling to avoid being seen. I'm ashamed of being seen by my friends, Lord. I'm ashamed of being seen by you, for you loved me and I forgot you. I forgot you because I was thinking only of myself, and one can't think of several persons at once; one must choose and I chose. And now, Lord, your voice, your look, and your love hurt me. They weigh me down more than my sin. Lord, please don't look at me like that, I'm naked and dirty, down and shattered with no strength left, and I dare not make any more promises. I can only stand bowed before you, Lord. The answer: Come on, son, look up. Isn't it mainly your vanity that has ruined it? If you loved me you would grieve, but you would trust. Do you think there's a limit to God's love? Do you think for a moment I have stopped loving you? But you still rely on yourself, son, you must rely on me. Ask my pardon and get up quickly. You see, it's not falling in the mud that is the worst, but staying on the ground. ---------------------------------------------- How many of us can relate to these words? But the question remains, how many of us would ever admit it? As C.S. Lewis wrote, "surely what a man [or woman] does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on the disguise is the truth?" Whether religious or irreligious, we've spent most of our lives in disguise. We camouflage the true intentions of our hearts, we bury our darkness, hiding it down in the deepest recesses of our souls until we can convince ourselves, and others it's not there. We're like a kid who has been told to clean their room but instead of cleaning it, they stuff all there toys in the closet and kick their dirty clothes under the bed. All who enter the room see little signs of mess upon first glance. However, we all know the mess is truly there. How long until it is exposed, how long can we pretend the mess isn't there, and how long must we keep up the exhausting charade? You see, we have built our lives like this, and the exhausting task of keep friends, family, and partners away from the bed and the closet is hurting everyone involved. We remain prideful and delusional, acting as if we were not the messy ones. Acting as, if only the world could rid of the "mess-makers" we would all be better off. This is the type of prideful self-serving behavior that puts us at enmity with others, and ultimately with God. This pride is divisive. It has ruined countless numbers communities, families , relationships, countries, and churches. Our disguises our built on this type of pride, and we are able to justify our mess because there is always someone messier. Someone else's closet is much fuller and nothing gives us such a rush of identity. What joy we find in being "better than" others! The only problem is, we too have quite the mess on our hands and no matter how hard we try, it still remains. No amount of money, accolades, comparison to others, masterful disguises, or inventive hiding acts will rid of the mess. In moments of wrong doing, we tend to blame others, as if it were they who made the mess, all in hopes of keeping our disguise in tact. But what if the child's mother were to give a probing look? What would she find? If she were to stroll up to the closet and open the door would she not be greeted by an avalanche of toys and clothes and whatever countless other things were stuffed inside. The mess is exposed, the disguise is ruined, the veil lifted. Let us, take not that the mother did not created the mess but only exposed it with a sifting study of the room. This is what C.S. Lewis was getting at when he was talking about the true intentions of a person's heart, and this is why the honesty of Quoist's words are so striking. I've said it once and I will say it again "we are all broken people, living in a broken world, doing broken things with other broken people." Until, we can come to terms with this we will see every mess with honesty and clarity except our own. You see, the Gospel is the great equalizer. Jesus fought against our prideful nature and through his finished has his has relieved us of having to where a disguise or clean our mess. God only saves bad people because bad people are all that there is, "lest no man should boast;" (Ephsians 2). And what we find in God's answer to Quoist's prayer is, in a way he announces "the jig is up!" I know you're a mess now let us clean this mess together." Whether Christian or not I hope this revelation helps you in your life! I long for the day I can have a truly honest conversation with those that I love. No more disguises, no more pride, just love and grace; acceptance. I urge you to all examine the motives of your hearts, as I continue to do, a quit our divisive behaviors and come together to embrace one another at our lowest, darkest, messiest mile-markers on the road of life! Let us not waste our sin! Rather, let us own it! Let us testify of our struggles, who knows maybe it will change a life. Maybe just maybe, someone you know is struggling to keep the mess in the closet. Help them let theirs out, help them to clean it up, and maybe just maybe you'll find your mess is starting to be cleaned as well. If you're a sinner and you know it, your life should really show it, own it; it's paid for. CLAP YOUR HANDS!!! "It is finished!!!"