So Morgoth and Sauron walk into a bar...
Wrote this for some writing prompt some person posted somewhere on the internet. WARNING: It does have massive Númenóreans spoilers from the Silmarillion, if that is something you are looking to avoid. .
“So what have you been up to this age?” Morgoth slurred upon hearing the bar door creaked open, slouching in the direction of his good friend Sauron.
“Idle –hic- hands are the Melkor’s workshop, or however the saying goes.”
“I see for the 10,00th time you have gotten started without me” Sauron sneered as he whispered up to the bar.
“Didn’t you have a more… corporeal.. form last time we met?” Morgoth tried to reply dryly, but ended up hiccupping the question out.
“Yeahh kinda ran into a ‘minor’ setback…” Sauron sighed, “But guess what I got the Big Man to do?”
“Oh shut up! We are here to have a good time! I don’t even want to think about ‘Daddy’ ” A disgruntled Morgoth picked up a recently summoned flagon of beer and began to stalk off to a table.
“Wait, wait, wait, old friend! This story is Hi-larious!” Sauron cried “Just let me catch up to you.”
Sauron turned to the bartender. “Sir, be a good chap and give me the Power RIng Flight.” Sauron then proceeded to quickly down 3 shots of a dry red, 6 shots of a stout almost too alcoholic to be called beer, 9 shots of straight moonshine, and one shot of something on fire, before hurrying after Morgoth, knocking over a chair and giggling.
Morgoth sat down and began “You even mentioned that bastard one more ti-“
“I tricked him into cutting his perfect world in half!” Sauron bursted, joining him at the table.
“What?!”
“Like a hot knife through a Middle Earth sized stick of butter!”
“No Valardamned way!” Morgoth bellowed, and proceeded to let laughter that sounded like a goblin massacre bubble out of his beer filled maw. “You are always the tricky one, aren’t you? There must be quite the tale behind this one, my good chum.”
Sauron grabbed the flagon and drank deeply. “Oh friend too bad you didn’t have enough time to play with Men. They are far more gullible than elves.”
“Oh? I was quite fine with corruption and killing, much more simple and direct”
“Well, since you have been gone, this clan of stuck up Jocks established themselves on a pleasant enough island off the coast of Middle Earth. Normally they just hung out throwing beach parties and bro’ing out. But one day, they got into their heads to get all up in my business and starting invading my little kingdom!”
“How excruciatingly rude” Morgoth drawled
“Exactly! So I decided to have a little fun with them… I let them beat me up a couple of times.. and then surrendered to them!” Sauron began to giggle so hard that he fell out of his chair.
“Bah Hahaha! Like some mortals could ever dream of beating a Maiar!” Morgoth boomed and leaned over to pick up Sauron and plopped him back into his chair.
Gracious of the assistance in becoming vertical again, Sauron decided to show his thanks by emptying more of Morgoth’s flagon.
“This of course led to some extremely not exciting imprisonment. But… I was able to convince those bozos to give me a slightly better deal…” Sauron now had a grin most snakes would be highly jealous of.
“As the advisor to the Idiot King!” Sauron managed to take two chairs to the floor with him this time, adding a judicious number of hiccups to his giggle fit.
Morgoth blinked at his prone friend. Paused. Blinked again. And then he let out a bellowing laugh that was so fearsome that it caused the bartender to decide that leaving to see his family and telling them how much he loved them was far more important than any amount of tip he would get that night.
The clarion laughter of dread seemed to cure Sauron of his current state of affairs as well. He managed to stagger to his feet and look owlishly around. When he saw that the bar was now undefended, he tottered over and liberated two bottle of whiskey off the top shelf. He then proceeded to wander back over to Morgoth, adding another chair to the floor cult in the process. Sauron handed one of the bottles to Morgoth and then took a remarkably long drink from his.
“So it took very little for these bumpkins to realize my immeasurable intellect, and once that was cleared up I was able convince them that being jealous of elven immortality should be their one and only concern in life. This of course leads to only one logical conclusion; they should go crash the party they got going over in the Undying Lands.”
Morgoth clapped a hand on what was left of Sauron’s shoulder, a smile on his face and disbelief in his eyes. “You got the feeble mortals to attack the holiest land of Valinor?”
“I got the mortals to attack Valinor!” Sauron gasped, and then let out a squeal of glee comparable to that of a baby Balrog that has gotten a toy axe for his birthday. Morgoth let loose a bloodcurdling howl of joy and punched Sauron in the remains of his chest, sending him flying into the next table.
“Oh ho ho! Daddy must have been so pissed!” He roared.
Sauron let fly a smile as sharp as a blade, “Yeah, he kinda slapped the invasion fleet so hard he broke the planet. Now he has two mediocre realms instead of one perfect one!”
Morgoth broke into burning tears. “My friend, this is the greatest news I have heard in ages, by far the best gift you have given me.”
The duo then proceeded to stumble through songs of world domination, and three rather pretty rocks, until the wee hours of the morning.